Best humor blog for everyday life
Posts tagged The Taite Guide to Everything
The Taite Guide to Banks
Banks are perhaps the world’s most popular institutions.
Where would we be without the smiling faces of the bank tellers, the courteous bank managers, always there to give us advice and help make our lives more fruitful.
Proof of the popularity of banks is everywhere.
There are almost as many bank branches as there are McDonalds. Proof is in the numbers.
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Ten Reasons Why I Love Banks
Nine Reasons Why I Love Banks
Eight Reasons Why I Love Banks
Seven Reasons Why I Love Banks
Six Reasons Why I Love Banks
Five Reasons Why I Love Banks
Four Reasons Why I Love Banks
Three Reasons Why I Love Banks
1. They have great air-conditioning
2. More >
The Taite Guide to Managers
So you think you are cut out to be a MANAGER.
Well you may be right and then again you may be wrong.
The following short quiz consists of 4 questions and will tell you whether you are qualified to be a professional manager. The questions are not difficult but require your complete concentration.
Are you ready? Great, here we go.
Question number 1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?
The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.
Question More >
Stress Management
Project Management, as some of you out there might know, is a job for masochists. Basically you volunteer to be a punching bag for every senior manager in the firm and, to boot, you, must smile through it all and try and motivate the poor bastards working under you who bash it out for 18 hours a day.
To help reduce the everyday stress, and make my life more livable, I have adopted several stress management routines that I have learned to perform over the years at seminars.
To help start my day in a serene fashion, I perform the following routine More >
The Taite Guide to Prisons for the Rich and Famous
Some Inmates have all the luck!
“Gentlemen, I am warden Walter W. Felon III and I would like to welcome you all to the Beverly Hills Confinement Facility for the Rich and Famous. We don’t like to think of it as a prison, more a home away from home with bars. We hope that your stay with us will be a happy and fulfilling one and promise to make every effort to meet your demands. To help do this I have recently installed a suggestion box which you will find immediately adjacent to the W.W.F. charity box. So as to avoid embarrasment More >
The Taite Guide to Superstitions
Mary and Marie lived in small semi-detached houses on the opposite sides of town. They both worked at the salt factory.
Mary woke with a start. Had she dreamed the big crash? Leaving her husband of 15 years, Matt, still fast asleep, she tiptoed towards the bathroom. As she turned on the light she immediately noticed a small sparrow with a broken wing, sitting on the window sill. Matt must have left the window open, typical. On the floor were the remnants of the make-up mirror she had purchased only a week earlier. Damn!
Outside, the next door neighbor’s dog was howling More >
The Taite Guide to Airports
We arrived at the airport three hours before departure time. My wife wasn’t very happy about that fact but our previous holiday was all but ruined by the fact that the plane took off without us. This was the only time I can remember when my flight actually left when they said it would. We were late due to a traffic jam resulting from the collision between a truck full of boxes of adult Pampers and a semi-trailer transporting live turkeys (soon to be dead anyway). The fact that Friendly Airlines decided to make history by leaving on time was More >
The Taite Guide to Chocolate
Chocolate was first invented my the distinguished Roman theologist and inventor Dr. Chocko Lette almost 2000 years ago. Dr Lette was searching for an original birthday present for his first wife Vanilla Flake. Lette was concerned that Vanilla was gaining too much weight from all the food she devoured at the all night parties she attended and produced a healthy well balanced diet based entirely on the produce of the cocoa bean. The concept was brilliant in its simplicity. Chocolate is made of cocoa beans. Beans are vegetables. Everyone knows that vegetables are good for your health. Vanilla Flake Lette More >
The Taite Guide to Michelangelo’s David
Michelangelo’s David is one of the best known and respected art pieces in the world. His marble sculpture of the young Israelite who slew Goliath and became king has been the #1 tourist attraction in Florence for centuries. If Michelangelo sculptured the young David today, entirely in the buff, who would probably immediately be arrested as a suspect pedophile. Such is the way of the world.
Here’s what the Internet has done to innocent David.
The result of centuries of pasta
Even a king needs to pick his nose sometimes
Dressed for the kill
Dressed for school
The thinking man's David
Reality Show David
David at Halloween party
David More >
The Taite Guide to Gift Shops
Museums were first invented in Paris, France by Jean Paul Yurr Hedoff in 1789. Jean was employed by Doctor Joseph-Ignace Guillotin as a cleaner upper or as they called it in those days a nettoyeur de têtes. It was Jean’s job to clean up the mess after a Guillotine. The poor man found that after a few weeks he had quite a collection of disembodied heads and blood stained clothing and a growing crowd of visitors who wanted to see the artifacts for themselves. So it happened that Jean, behind the back of his employer and the authorities, opened his house to paying vistors and aptly named More >
The Taite Guide to Guerilla Knitting
A New Jersey town is being terrorized by ‘The Midnight Knitter’ – someone covering public property with knitting. Around the world there have been numerous reports testifying to similar tree terrorism . A source close to the President has stated that secret meetings between the CIA, MI5 and the Mossad have concluded that the assault origins from Bin Laden. Before you call the bomb squad and check out the present situation of Osama, you might want, first, to check out the latest movements of Grannie Bin Laden pictured here. Rumor has it that Osama’s grandmother is behind the defacement of trees More >
The Taite Guide to Extreme Sports
According to a new survey published recently in the sport supplement of the Vanity Fair, here is a guide to the world’s most challenging extreme sports.
Riding a bus in India
Driving a tuktuk in Thailand blindfolded
Driving a tuktuk in Thailand without a blindfold (only for real adventurers!)
Sunburnng in the Costa Brava without sunscreen
Participating in Jaws the Reality ShowPlaying primetime football against a team of killer dogs
Watching 32 episodes of The Bold and the Beautiful back to back
Job Interview Nightmare
It was recruiting time at the office again. Larry had conveniently come down with some kind of rare nameless virus and the chore was again left to me – for the fourth year running. We were in the market for a Java programmer and an Analyst but judging from the resumes and interview minutes, we could easily have been recruiting for a 3 ring circus. Here are some of the feedback I got.
General Marital status: often. Children: various.” Sex: occasionally Emergency Contact Number: “911 Email Address: pornstardelight@*****.com Experience 1990 – 1997: Stewardess with Air force Troops in Iraq 2001 Voluntary summer More >
The Taite Guide to Celebrity Trash Cans
Celebrity Trash Cans
We sent the Tate Gallery roving reporter around the globe to delve into the trash cans of the rich and famous. Here is what he found.
Madonna – Unread paperback copy of Sex in the City
Sharon Stone - Bestselling novel How to become rich and famous without getting out of Bed
Jennifer Aniston – Angelina Jolie voodoo doll with detached head. Jay Leno – Conan O’ Brian voodoo doll with detached hair Conan O’Brian – live Jay Leno complete with damaged sportscar
Leonardo Di Caprio – first edition copy of 100 Excuses for not Taking your Girlfriend to the Oscars.
Tom Cruise – Mad Men seasons 1 and 2 plus 92 More >
The Taite Guide to English Phrases
The English language is full of historic phrases that you use every day without knowing where their came from. Want to know the origins of One Last Drink, One for the Road, On the Wagon, It’s Raining Cats and Dogs, Saved by the Bell and Dead Ringer? Do you know why the Irish hold a Wake? Why June is the favorite month to get married in? Read on.
There is an old Hotel/Pub in Marble Arch, London which used to have gallows adjacent. Prisoners were taken to the gallows (after a fair trial of course) to be hung. The horse drawn dray, carting the More >
The Taite Guide to Project Management
Project Management
Life as a project manager is comparable to a mountain climber’s. The big difference being that when you get to the peak you find there is no safe way down. Whenever I get really down, my wife reminds me that it takes one women nine months to have a baby and no matter how you try it is impossible to perform the same feat in one month by impregnating nine women. It was a beautiful morning, the sun was shining, the train was on time, the coffee tasted great for a change and Larry was smiling when I reached More >
The Taite Guide to Easy Jobs
Easy Jobs
The nine easiest jobs on the planet.Originally I meant to list ten but it was too much like work.
9. Lifeguard at the baby pool. z z z z z z
8. The holy water fountain filler in a Catholic Church.
7. Robin of Batman and Robin Fame: everyone knows Batman does all the work.
6. The Weatherman in Dubai: It will be hot today. It will be hot tomorrow. It will be hot the day after tomorrow. It will be…
5. Fast food restaurant critic: The fries were OK but the coke could have done with more zest.
4. Experienced bra fitter. I saw More >
The Taite Guide to English Greetings
English Greetings
The form of greeting used in the Anglo Saxon world has been the cause of great embarrassment for foreigners for generations. To help avoid future diplomatic incidents here, free of charge, is my foreigner’s guide to English greetings.
1. How’s it hanging? When you are accosted with this common greeting answering “Well thank you” is not the right response. Nor is it necessary to show your host how it is hanging, as this is considered to be in very bad taste, especially in a room full of people at a cocktail party. This tip can be ignored, of course by dark More >
The Taite Guide to Toilets
Every time my wife and I go to a restaurant the first thing I do is order, the second thing is to seek out the men’s room. It is one of the mysteries of life how men immediately see food and need to go whereas women can hold out for most of the day. It’s almost as if they took private lessons on a camel farm. I won’t elaborate on that subject for fear of being called a chauvinist. The advantage of having to go so regularly is that you get exposed (no pun intended) to some of the most More >
