Best humor blog for everyday life
Posts tagged people
Falling to Pieces
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I’m falling to pieces I’m falling apart My brain’s gone out trekking Without taking my heart. My eyes just won’t focus On anything but soap I’m no longer brave or beautiful And finding it hard just to cope. - My toenails are a disaster And my hair is almost gone. My eyebrows rebel righteously And by left leg is quite numb. My hearing is embarrassing I need glasses just to pee. And don’t ask me with whom I went last night Ain’t got the faintest idea who that could be. - I’m breaking up, limb by limb Like a More >
10 Reasons Why Getting Old is Fun
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1. You no longer have to brush your hair (what hair?)
2. You no longer have to brush your teeth (what teeth?)
3. Your wife no longer drives you crazy about your pot belly (what wife? I have a wife?)
4. You get to travel cheaply on public transport (but it’s such a hassle to use that you’d prefer to stay at home and watch T.V.)
5. You now have time to watch all those T.V. programs always wanted to see but missed, but now you can’t remember what they were.
6. You can finally act your age – well actually More >
Chess Boxing, Cricket Monopoly and other New Sports
Chess boxing is a hybrid sport which combines boxing with chess in alternating rounds. The sport began when Dutch artist Iepe Rubingh, inspired by fictional depictions by French comic book artist and filmmaker Enki Bilal, organized actual bouts. Chess boxing is now growing in popularity. Participants must be both skilled boxers and chess players, as a match may be won either way.
A match consists of up to eleven alternating rounds of boxing and chess. The match begins with a four-minute chess round. This is followed by three minutes of boxing, with rounds of chess and boxing alternating until the end.[1] There More >
For the Walking Man
Mr. White spend almost forty minutes in the waiting room before the doctor could see him. When shown into the surgery and asked to sit down he first walked over to the doctor and punched him in the stomach.
“What did you do that for?” asked the surprised doctor.
“Do you know who I am? I’m Melvin White? Doesn’t ring a bell? I’m the son of Albert White.”
“Albert White? Albert White? I seem to recall a Mr. White at the home?
“Correct.”
“But what has that got to do with you punching me in the stomach?”
“You told him he should start walking, walking will More >
Seminars for the Rich Modern Executive
Part of being successful is knowing how to correctly educate yourself with the skills needed for your profession.
Here are ten new seminars specifically targeted at the young rich modern executive.
- The twits guide to Twitter ~
- Strategic Business Communication in the Rest Room ~
- Business Writing Essentials for the Illiterate and other upper class brats. ~
- Effective Conflict Management during Business Lunches – Which hors d’oeuvres are right for your career. ~
- The Meaning of Money – What actually happens when you pass over your platinum card at Saxs Fifth Ave. ~
- How to insult a waiter in 12 languages. ~
- The net worth of a network. ~
- How to dig your own moat and be the More >
Half the world
Half the world make ridiculous faces while riding the elevator
The other half are too busy mining in their pockets
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Half the world are patient enough to wait for the hand dryer to completely dry their hands.
The other half live the wet look.
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Half the world wouldn’t be caught dead in an Asian restaurant without chopsticks
The other half don’t give a damn and manage with a spoon.
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Half the world still think Paul McCartney’s dead
The other half are still looking for Elvis.
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Half the world have tried the watch The Wizard of Oz backed with the soundtrack of The Dark Side of the Moon
The other half have no idea at all More >
Yesterday and Today
Yesterday
Dianna woke up to the alarm clock and got out of bed slowly. After showering she went down stairs where she partook of a small healthy breakfast of orange juice, ham and eggs on toast and freshly brewed coffee. She took the 8:10 train to work which as usual was late. Dianna worked at a midtown office along with thirty other girls in the typing pool. Her day was made up of taking dictations and typing letters on her new electric Remington typewriter. After work she took the train home, late again, picked up her mail from her mailbox, three More >
National coming out days for non gays
National coming out day was recently celebrated worldwide. Because of all the press coverage many other minority groups decided on similar events. Here are some of those scheduled for the upcoming months:
- National Coming Out Day for closet Darth Vaders. Why wait for Halloween.
Darkest Vadar
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National Coming Out Day for bad dressers and members of the league of I couldn’t care less.
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National Coming Out Day for Smurfs
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National Coming Out Day for superheros’ mums. Why should their offspring get all the glory.
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National Coming Out Day for dress alike twins. O.K> so you are twins,, if your surname isn’t Olsen isn’t it time you got a life?
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National Coming Out More >
If we all lived in a James Bond movie
I woke up early for a change, before ten. The two models at my side were still fast asleep. My in suite breakfast was already set out, caviar flavored Cornflakes, toasted brioche and a newly poured Latte, shaken not stirred. It only took one bullet to dispense of the two assassins who had yet to learn their before noon manners. Tut Tut! The maid came in to see if I needed any more towels, I declined but she had sex with me anyway. News travels fast. Getting dressed I remembered to take care not to accidentally release the poison dagger hidden the More >
The History of Conversation
As is common knowledge, conversation first started way back in the era of the cavemen when Bog, a medium height, bearded, long haired, overweight man with a pot belly, accidentally stood on the blistered toe of Gog, a medium height, bearded, long haired, skinny man with an attitude.
“Yoh,” exclaimed Gog, “You just stood on my bad toe?”
“Yoh, your mother-in-law,” replied Bog, “And what you gonna do about it?”
Needless to say this conversation was very short as Gog, knowing his place, ran out of the cave, swearing all the way and was eaten alive by an extinct dinosaur.
Conversation more or less carried More >
The Song Behind the Meaning
An ageing rock star, whom I shall call Rick, was having a hard time finding subjects to write about for his new album. When he was a poor artist struggling for recognition, the whole pale world around him was his palette. Now fame riches and far too much booze had left him lacking. Sitting on the bank of the stream at the edge of his garden estate he tried to find something to write about. A frog jumped out from behind him, giving him a stir. The frog seemed equally shocked and jumped away in a hurry, disappearing into the More >
100 Fun things to do with your grandfather
- Play hide and seek. Tell your grandfather to count to a hundred. Be sure to return from the beach before sundown and to take him back to the home.
- Baseball in mime.
- Find the lost teeth.
- Find the lost apartment keys.
- Play find the Filipino – help your grandpa find the Filipino that he has accidentally locked in the broom closet.
- Play “Did I ever tell you about the time I …..”. If you manage to get through ten back to back stories without feeding him sleeping pills dissolved in whiskey you win. If he manages to actually surprise you with one you haven’t heard more than ten More >
10 new work laws we’d like to see
“All work and no play” well I think it’s time to put a n end to all that. Here are ten ways to do it:
- After a holiday or office party someone automatically brings a double dose of espresso to your desk and no sly remarks about a possible hangover are allowed. -
- If your boss pisses you off twice in one week you are granted an immediate, paid one day vacation -
- Coffee served at work must not taste like some mixture put together by one of the witches from Macbeth. -
- If you are forced you work in open-space, if you have More >
The lighter side of death
Susan Jane McCoy was a righteous and graceful eighty five year old lady who was spending the last of her days at the St Mary Retirement home in southern New Jersey. One fine morning she requested to speak to the local priest.
“Father”, she said in a broken, worn out voice “I feel that my time is drawing near and I have two requests.”
“Mrs. McCoy, you have been a faithful member of our community for several generations, I promise you I will try to fulfill your requests.”
“Thank you father, firstly, when I die I want to be cremated. and second More >
What women really want
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Some men think they understand women and what women really want. Here is the proof that us men know nothing.~~~
Janet, Mary and Samantha were sitting together at the downtown Steamboat Willie Sportsbar enjoying their after-work Margeritas when a tall, exceptionally handsome, well built middle-aged guy walks in. The guy, whom we will call Travis, was so stunning that Janet couldn’t keep her eyes off him.
Travis, being the well adjusted, easy go lucky type who pertained to know a thing or two about the opposite sex did what any well adjusted, horny man in his situation would do, he removed his More >
Only in Japan – Gold vending machine and others
From the Japanese Times: Makishi Rokugawa says he is installing the first gold vending machines in central Tokyo so consumers can invest in “something real.”
Space International Ltd., … is offering gold or silver to the world’s biggest vending machine market,.
The machine offered 1 gram of gold for ¥6,800, or $82.30, according to the price Monday. Gold traded at $1,362.45 per troy ounce just before 11 a.m. in Tokyo, or about $44 a gram. The vending machine sells the precious metal in the form of coins and ingots, with weights ranging from 1 gram to a little more than 7 More >
10 things to do while waiting for the doctor
- Read the three year old issue of Vogue ignoring the stares of the elderly women sitting opposite you who is sure you’re a sex maniac who should be put away pronto.
- Make funny faces at the cute four year old sitting opposite without his mother noticing.
- complete a full and extensive expedition into your right ear.
- Ask the receptionist, for the seventeenth time, when you will finally be seen.
- Check your watch for the ninth time, making sure the disinterested receptionist can see you.
- Go to the restroom and rush back in case a miracle has happened and the doctor is finally ready to see More >
10 Things not to do when your wife is in labor
- No matter how much she shrieks don’t get too close. You’ve heard of all the stories where kids get within the gorilla’s reach and he bites into their arm – you have been warned.
- You remember all the breathing exercises that you did with your loved one in the Lamaze classes. Now is the time to forget them. The last thing your wife wants to hear come out of your mouth as she hits a contraction is the word breath. She’s way, way, way past that. Attempting to persuade their spouses to breath when their better half is planning the painful demise of More >
30 weirdest world laws
There comes a time in every politician’s life where he finds himself in parliament recovering from a heavy hangover. The following probably resulted from such mornings.
- Thailand: it is illegal to leave your house if you are not wearing underwear. Shame!
- Thailand: You must wear a shirt while driving a car.
- Switzerland: Clothes may not be hung to dry on Sunday.
- Switzerland: Itis illegal to flash the toilet after 10 P.M. And I thought the smell came from the cows!
- Sweden: While prostitution is legal, it is illegal to use the services of a prostitute. Catch 23.
- South Korea: Traffic police are required to report all bribes that they receive More >
The Security System
Madge and Bill lived in a neighborhood which, in their words, “was going to the dogs”. Their five bedroom New Jersey house boasted matching wallpaper and carpets, a dining table that could comfortably sit 20 people but never did, and a waterless dolphin shaped swimming pool in the back garden which they were very proud of. They moved in, seven years earlier, together with their twin poodles Tweedledumb and Tweedledunn, one dead parrot (an heirloom) and their four kids Mark Anthony, Fletcher, Donna and Jor-el ( they were founder members of the local Marlon Brando Fan Club). East Gandol was More >
