Best humor blog for everyday life
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Hot in Tokyo
It is hot, really hot, so hot that it gives the word hot a bad name. It doesn’t help that the government have again suggested to companies to cool the workplace at a cool 28 degrees celsius! I kid you not. Where I come from that is known as heating!
If Chubby Checker had to rerecord Let’s Twist Again today it would probably sound more like this:
Let’s Shvitz again
Like we did last summer
Let’s Shvitz again
Like we did last year.
With all the central air at
28 degrees, no cooler
The least the management could supply us with
Is beer.
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Well round and round and round and More >
Life’s Questions
SSSSS
Sometimes I write movies Somtimes I write songs Sometimes I feel every waking moment Is absolutely wrong.
- Sometimes I’m an empty canvas With a bucketload of paint Often I’m my worse nightmare Pretending to be a saint.
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Maybe I’m a misplaced child Who won’t believe he’s lost Or a shopaholic for a long lost life Who can’t afford the cost.
- Maybe I don’t exist at all Just a part in someone’s book. Maybe you won’t see me at all If you take a second look.
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- Perhaps I am a philosopher’s cat Or a goldfish less a bowl.
Maybe I’m an exotic dancer More >
Kodachrome: The death of Kodak
SSSSS
When I think back On all the snaps I took in high school. All those classmates In photos short and tall. All the cutest girls, forever adolescent. In slightly faded colors stuck on my wall.
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Kodachrome. You filled my albums a plenty My heart was never empty, Before I reached to twenty my shelves were full. I had a pocket Kodak camera, I took it with me everywhere But now they’ve taken my Kodachrome away.
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If I think of all the girls I knew When I was single. I have a picture, black and white of everyone. And though some photos that More >
Paint it Black – the SOPA PIPA version
If they want a blackout then they are going to have to deal with the masses. SOPA and PIPA aren’t the answers.
Mick Jagger knew what he was talking about
I see an open door and want to paint it black. No freedom anymore lets turn the whole web black I see some P2P up by the Pirates’s Bay. I want to sink their ships and make them go away.
* I see a whole new world, no colors except black. When all the legislation’s through there will be no way back. I see a a generation losing all its sense of pride. Just like the More >
Times are Changing
The year was 1964. The Beatles top the charts in America and appear on the Ed Sullivan show, Muhammad Ali beats Sonny Liston and becomes the heavyweight champion of the world, Elizabeth Taylor and Richard Burton got hitched for the first time, Radio Caroline became England’s first pirate radio station, a TV game show called Jeopardy! and a sitcom named Bewitched premiere, Sean Connery starred in From Russia with Love, a new car called the Ford Mustang was marketed, the first major student protest march against the Vietnam war was held in New York and San Francisco, the last Loony Tune cartoon is released, The Who‘s Pete Townsend destroys his first guitar, Roald Dahl writes Charlie More >
I can’t seem to get what I want
With apologies to the Stones
I went down to my local super In the basement of the department store I admit I was feeling kind of hungry But wasn’t prepared for what they had in store
—–
No, I can’t seem to get what I want I can’t seem to get what I want I can’t seem to get what I want and though I try each time ,in the end I find, I just can’t succeed.
—– I picked up a food tray from the counter. It had rice along with something that looked fried The taste reminded me of something familiar The More >
Japanese Oddity
Project Control to Tokyo Son Project Control to Tokyo Son
Finish off your sushi lunch already and put your earphones on (Ten) project control (Nine) to Tokyo Son (Eight) (Seven, six) Commencing signon (Five), Skype now on (Four) (Three, two) Check audio recognition (One) and lets (Blastoff) hope this time it works.
This is Project Control to Tokyo Son, we know it’s 3 A.M. by you But top management wants to know just how you fare And have you found a large dress shirt that you can wear?
This is Tokyo Son to Project Control, you’re shouting in my More >
Something Stupid – Something Kinky
She: I stand here by the mirror
I want a look that’s quite a killer
For my first date with you.
I have this leather skirt
And knee high boots that really hurt
There’s still my face I must do.
My lipstick’s ruby red
And I wouldn’t be caught dead
Without a piercing or two
Just some mascara in black
And my breasts I need to stack
Before I see you.
—
He: I so despise all these blind dates
The other side is always late
And then I start to perspire.
I hope that casual is her style
Because it’s been a long long while
Since I have bought new attire.
There’s a girl coming this way
Who’s surely not dressed More >
Everyday People
I met a girl with a Japanese tattoo
And asked her to tell me what it said.
She gave me a look like I’d fallen from Mars
But I didn’t let it go to my head.
So I went to the park
For my mid-day meal
Where a guy asked if I could spare him some change.
He wore Steve Madden shades
And black Replay boots
So I guessed that he must be deranged.
————
Such are the people who make up my life.
This is what God’s been creating.
A touch of Tabasco perhaps topped with whipped cream
Was it really worth all the waiting?.
———–
A touch before dawn
In a dress badly torn
Old Miss Eva More >
A Happy Young Man
A happy young man
Smiles at everyone he can
As he walks on the beach by the sea.
He doesn’t care for global warming
Just ’bout the waves that keep reforming
Two miles south of the island of Capri.
He never once complains
When suddenly it rains.
He takes the weather coolly in his stride.
It s only when they come
He knows it’s over with the fun
And he ponders if there’s somewhere he can hide.
——————————--
Three men dressed in white
Quite unaccustomed to the light
Sprint in his direction from their van.
They all hate the jobs they hold
And much prefer the cold
From the beach they keep a wide berth if they can.
They’ve all forgotten how More >
Understanding Me
I look in the mirror
While I wait at the door
Before me a reflection
I find hard to ignore
I seem to be familiar
I’ve seen that face before
But I’m really not sure that that is me.
——————————–
I get up in a hurry
Still half asleep.
I may have chosen the path
That will screw up my whole next week.
Sometimes I’m a hero
Sometimes just a creep.
I’m really not sure now who to be.
——————————–
We try to paint self portraits
With brushes still wet.
We search for heaven’s stairway
Using tears and blood and sweat.
Leave Dorian Gray to find the answers
No word from Kafka do I get.
I’m tied in knots in my attempt More >
Rewind to Sender
And you’re screwed for all time
Your destiny in a cold cup of coffee
You should have stuck to wine
Though now you know better
There’s simply no way to rewind
You’re on a one way collision course
We’ll see you at the end of the line.
———–
Your train, it left early
And it’s too hot to run
You’re completely isolated
Obscured from the sun
When your mind’s on fast forward
It seems that nothing gets done
And even the sitcoms
No longer seem fun.
———–
You wait for an answer
But nobody calls.
You thought you knew better
But insanity rules
You’re far, far too clever
For this planet of fools
The time is not right now
To be More >
The Bel Air Kindergarten of the Arts: “A Chorus Line”
The Bel Air Kindergarten of the Arts is run by a Ms. Fanny Hardbottom. Fanny, majored in the performing arts and even starred for a short time in a one woman show playing Off Broadway . Actually that story isn’t entirely accurate. Ms. Hardbottom performed a one man show on the corner of Broadway and 42nd Street for almost twenty minutes before a cop threatened to bring her in for loitering. Anyway, since then she has been managing this extraordinary kindergarten for gifted children whose parents are able to afford the $5000 a month fee and provide ample references (legal documents ascertaining the More >
Office Tennis: Game Set and Swat! Sometimes you have to act dirty
Some games are hard to win. Take Office Tennis for Instance.
Game
I got to work one morning Around a quarter to ten. I sipped my coffee, read my Inbox, And it was that then I could feel a funny itching From beneath my clothes. Then I realized a fly had squatted On my nose.
I tried to swat it with my backhand, Blot it with my forehand Chase it to the door and Make my name. But it kept returning all my serves. Was really getting on my nerves, And no matter how I swerved I knew I’d lost the game.
Set The Internet More >
Rainman
When the rain came down The people were in shock.
To the center of town They sped just like a flock. The clouds burst open And the crowd all cheered For one single, solemn moment They forgot all their fears. And the pitter and the patter Was all that mattered On the block.
When the rain came down A new hope filled the air Across a nation from town to town They all came out to stare. The electric light carnival Caused such a great splash. Up up in the heavens Came a musical flash. While above he stood silent, The man More >
Yet Another Thursday Monday
Sometimes in the morning I wake up and there’s no dawn and I find nobody warned me Of my fate. I get up with no alarm And try so hard to remain calm But in my heart I fear of harm If I am late.
Yet another Thursday Monday When I dream of the return of Sunday And I pray to God that someday, one day All this will change. But for now I’m really rushed for Tuesday. That’s my life, in a very much abused way Counting minutes till I’m touching Friday And all my life will rearrange.More >
Jesus Unemployed: A Sign of the Times
I went down to the station
To see how the other half live. A man sat there, at the bottom of the stairs. He said “please Sir, it’s time to give”.
He promised me his story If I kindly palmed his hand. At his present abode he was Prince of the Paupers, But claimed he once was leader of the band.
“My full name, Sir, is Jesus, But you may call me Joe. Before the fall, I worked on the Wall Where I watched my fortune grow.”
I payed my dues to the king of the Jews And he payed me back in kind. The cold may have killed his More >
Unknown Group rewrites Sgt Pepper and Conquers British Charts: “Android Pfeffer’s Boneless Heart Club Band” – It may shock you.
The first single released from upcoming album Android Pfeffer’s Boneless Hearts Club Band, entitled Lucy Sold Her Sky for Diamonds, has been topping the British charts for over six weeks now and is keeping Simon Cowell up late at night in an attempt to find a way to launch a counter attack and protect his interests. Taite Gallery reporters have managed to cut through the media fog surrounding the new group and promised album and have actually met with group leader and singer Android Pfeffer, a seven foot, tinny, introverted rocker. Though Android revealed little regarding the background of the group and More >
No U.F.O.s Please We’re British. The M.O.D. unit for aliens has been dismantled. E.T. was not amused.
In an apparent set back for secret official efforts to announce the existence of extraterrestrial life, the British Ministry of Defense (MOD) has just closed its UFO desk. After 50 years of having an official reporting mechanism in place for public sightings of UFOs, a spokesman for the Ministry of Defense stated that the funds could be better used for the Afghanistan war. D. McLean was unavailable for comment or pie. Dear Mam,
A long long time agoI can still remember, when the British UFO Unit first began.Twas then I left you clues galore,You gathered multi sightings by the scoreFrom every More >
Please Don’t Send me Flowers
For all the men who can’t seem to find the right birthday or anniversary present. With apologies to Barbara Streisand and Neil Diamond who sang Marilyn and Alan Bergman’s You don’t Bring me Flowers on which this cover is based.
She: Please don’t send me flowers. Please don’t buy me jewelry Please don’t write me any more love songs Where you tell me I’m lovely again and again. Please don’t buy me chocolate Forget about balloon bouquets Find something original that you haven’t done yet You’re repetitive love games are becoming a pain.
He: I’ve had enough of birthdays, And yearly anniversaries. I’m More >
