Best humor blog for everyday life
Posts tagged marriage
Husband Sitting
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“You don’t spend enough with me. You promised me more quality time.”
It was 7 A.M. and I was only half way through my toasted bagel and hadn’t even reached the sports page yet. Doesn’t she know by now that breakfast is not the time for conversation. How can I make small talk with George and Jerry at the office if I don’t even know who won the game last night. But try explaining that to your spouse.
“O.K. luv, Saturday I’m all yours.” I replied. I was even considerate enough to look up from the paper for a minute while saying More >
The Future of Sales
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They all lined up at the entrance,
Five hundred and a score.
The queue that started hours before,
Now circled round the score.
It was the first Saturday of January,
And some were looking rather pale.
But none would dream of leaving now,
Ten minutes before the sale.
—
The showroom was completely filled
With all the shapes and sizes.
For those outside in the freezing cold,
They were offering great prizes.
Women, girls and hopeful grans
All waited at the gate.
At the chime of nine
They all left the line
And ran in to buy a mate.
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The Hubby sale comes but once a year.
It is the best time to make a catch.
After courting went More >
50 things not to say on a first date
1. I’d take you back to my place but they don’t allow women on C-block.
2. McDonald’s is usually a splurge for me but I guess it’s important to impress on the first date.
3. Excuse me being a little bitchy but it’s that time of the month.
4. I don’t really go much for alcohol, I’m more of a blood guy.
5. I don’t want to hurry you, or anything, but I left the kids with the sitter and she charges by the hour.
6. I am really supportive of the women’s rights movement and religiously believe that the girl should pick up the tab for the More >
You know you’re really pregnant when
…that creepy guy on the train who is unable to extract the finger from his nostril and who wears a torn pair of black bell bottom jeans, gets up to give you a seat.
…the guy at the local convenience store starts wrapping pickles for you before you even get to the counter.
…your homeroom teacher suggests that you both have a little talk.
…the neighborhood kids want to use you as a trampoline.
…your boyfriend is more interested in the rerun of the second Sex and the City movie than having sex with you.
…your breasts are finally the size your husband always dreamed about More >
10 Things not to do when your wife is in labor
- No matter how much she shrieks don’t get too close. You’ve heard of all the stories where kids get within the gorilla’s reach and he bites into their arm – you have been warned.
- You remember all the breathing exercises that you did with your loved one in the Lamaze classes. Now is the time to forget them. The last thing your wife wants to hear come out of your mouth as she hits a contraction is the word breath. She’s way, way, way past that. Attempting to persuade their spouses to breath when their better half is planning the painful demise of More >
On the First Day of Christmas
On the First day of Christmas my true love came told me, she wanted to be a divorcee.
On the Second day of Christmas my true love send to me, two guys with a summons and a Hallmark card from my future divorcee.
On the Third day of Christmas my true love send to me, three hunks who took the Lexus, two guys with a summons and a Hallmark card from my future divorcee.
On the Fourth day of Christmas my true love send to me, four moving trucks. Three hunks for the jeep, two summon guys and yet another stinking card from my divorcee.
On the Fifth day of More >
There Goes the Bride
Maybe all these special wedding photographs aren’t such a good idea, especially when they find their way to the internet.
Just one more quarter darling - I think it's my lucky day
feeding time
Mata Who? No This is from 5th Ave
I saw my brother do this
I'm getting the feeling that these clever pre-wedding photos aren't all that clever after all
I thought I was supposed to be wearing the dress!
Till Death do we part!!!
Don't drink and wed
Mummy can I go home now?
105 Year Old Virgin
Mary Grace Spencer was a born in 1902 and was the most regular churchgoer of the Virgin Hill Baptist Church in Pikeville Tennessee. Not a Sunday ceremony passed by without Mary Grace’s presence. Even when she took a vacation at Tiptonville she always managed to return home for the Sunday prayers. Mary Grace never seemed to be interested n the opposite sex, though she had her far share of suitors banging on her front porch door. Rumours spread over the years of her attraction to members of her own sex were entirely without foundation. In celebration of her 105th birthday More >
10 Sure signs that your on-line relationship isn’t going to work
SHE 1. Your guy has to quickly sign off because his mother has come home early and he hasn’t finished his homework. 2. Your guy goes by the name of Thor the Invincible 3. You have yet to have a meaningful conversation wherein the guy opposite you is fully clothed (or even partially clothed) 4. Your guy repeatedly calls you his Mama. 5. Your guy has to quickly sign off as they are reassigning his cell.
HE 1. Your girl is simultaneously chatting with you and the drummer from Guns and Roses. 2. Your girl’s name is Lola. 3. She can’t More >
11 Things you shouldn’t do at a wedding
1. Get blind drunk and hang your panties on the chandelier while performing your version of ”Yes I Cancan”
2. Have sex with the best man in the bathroom during the wedding ceremony. 3. Though you are the best man, have sex n the bathroom with the maid of honour and lose the wediing ring down the toilet in a moment of unexplained animal passion. 4. Have sex with the best man and the maid of honour in the bathroom while your bride to be is already walking down the isle with her father who always carries a gun. 5. Hire More >
The History of Dating
The Caveman Era – the first date
He: Uggh
She: Uggh yourself
He bangs her over head and drags her into the cave. Date over!
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Romeo and Juliet Romeo [To Juliet] If I profane with my unworthiest hand This holy shrine, the gentle fine is this: My lips, two blushing pilgrims, ready stand To smooth that rough touch with a tender kiss. JULIET [to her nurse] I swear, I don’t understand a word he says but isn’t he the cutest thing on two legs you’ve ever seen? I could do him in a minute. Really he’s to die for!
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The Hassidic First Date
Rabbi: (to the man) More >
Ten Worst Honeymoon Vacation Ideas: Where NOT to Spend Your Honeymoon
1. A trip to Disneyland with your four hormone tense, teenage daughters (from first marriage,) his five horny, teenage monsters (from first, second and third marriages) who have been educated solely on American Pie rerun, and a dog named Killer who nobody admits to owning.
2. Colombia – they may steal the bride (read more about their favourite pastime). I do hear, however, that they have reduced rates for pensioners so you might consider sending your mother-in-law.
3. At The Bellingshausen Research Station in Antartica – However romantic you might think the idea is, remember we’re talking about high temperatures of -15 degrees and that’s More >
The History of Negotiation: The Dowry
With apologies to Fred Astaire & Ginger Rogers
The DowryYou offer 12 camels
But I don’t need a zoo.
You offer 3 goats
But I want a mink too.
Well who needs a dowry
If I get pregnant hourly
So lets call the whole thing off.
——————
You want a Fatima
But I’m more a Madonna
You like Jay Leno
But I’m a fan of O’Connor
Its harems you’re thinking
But I aint into swinging
We best call the whole thing off.
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I say New York
But you say New Delhi.
I’m putting on weight
cause you feed me on jelly.
But when you show me your house
I completely forget all about
Calling the whole thing off.
© 2010 Steve Taite. More > 
The Married Man’s Playboy
Thanks to tweeters @maverika and @truth_candour for the inspiration
Due to the declining circulation of Playboy Magazine and it’s boring cable channels, Playboy executives have been searching for a new venue that will keep them away from Chapter 11 and a hostile takeover from Penthouse. They may just have found it in their new Hubby Magazine the Adult Magazine for the Married Man. Here is an exclusive peak behnd the covers of the first issue.
In this months issueThe Hubby Forum: Answers to all the questions that you were afraid to ask your mother (or mother-in-law)
- Why does my wife’s clothes More >
Great Wedding Invitations
Every young couple want their wedding to be special.
One couples plan:
They are driven to the wedding in a pumpkin on wheels.
The ceremony is held in the middle of a rainforest - the guests arrive on the backs of elephants.
The rabbi is actually Brad Pitt. Who cares if you are both Catholics? Brad Pitt!!!
The maids of honor are both dressed up as Catwoman.
The food is flown in from a cute boutique restaurant the couple once visied on the Left bank of Paris.
The music is of course provided by Elton John (you only get married once right?) backed by Eric Clapton Ringo Starr and Paul McCartney (no he’s not More >
The Street Dictionary – funny definitions to fit the times :Him and Her
HIM and HER
DIVORCE: Future tense of marriage
KISSING: A means of getting two people so close together that they can’t see anything wrong with each other.
PARK: Before children, a verb meaning, “to go somewhere and neck.” After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide.
MARRIAGE:
1) The dawn of romance and the commencement of history 2) A word that should be pronounced as “mirage”; 3) A process much like a cafeteria – you carefully look over the choices, select what looks the best – and pay later; 4) An event which is called “tying the knot” – unfortunately, More >
10 Worst Ways to Propose Marriage
In my earlier post An Expensive Proposal I pondered how far modern day Romeos will go in order to orchestrate the ultimate proposal. It would seem that where the proposal takes place is also becoming an issue. Here are the ten worst ways I can think of to propose marriage. You have been warned.
10. In church, while your beloved is on her way to the alter to marry her six foot ten, muscle packed, open heart surgeon fiancée. I know it worked for Dustin Hoffman but that was in the movies.
9. At the funeral of her grandmother who brought her up More >
The Taite Guide to Mothers-in-Law
Mothers-in-Law
I could tell what day it was going to be. It was all written in the sky. I woke up without a headache, the sun was shining. I could detect the chirping of robins from the nearby tree. Then the doorbell rang and the storm began. My mother in law is allergic to dishwashers. Well not really allergic she just doesn’t believe that a machine can really clean dishes. Every time she visits she removes all the dirty dishes that have piled up and washes them by hand. Then she replaces them in the More >Behind every successful man stands a surprised mother-in-law
Q & A – The Internet Guide to Love and Marriage
Once you got advice from your mother and grandmother – who always knew best. Then you got advice from fellow cheerleaders and members of the rugby team – who always knew best.
Now there’s the Internet!!!
Q: When is it okay to kiss someone? A: You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a big ring and her own DVD, so she can watch the videos of the wedding.” Q: Why do lovers hold hands? “They want to make sure their rings don’t fall off, because they paid good money for them.” Q: Can you hide from More >Q & A – The Internet Guide to Pregnancy
Once you got advice from your mother and grandmother – who always knew best. Then you got advice from your gynecologist- who always knew best.
Now there’s the Internet!!!
Q: My husband had a Vasectomy 3 years ago and didn’t tell me. In that time I’ve conceived four children. How much trouble do you think I’m in?
A: If he didn’t figure out four kids ago I’d say your free and clear.Q. I’m two months pregnant now. When will my baby move? A. With any luck, right after he finishes college.
Q. How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness More >
