Best humor blog for everyday life
Posts tagged family
100 Fun things to do with your grandfather
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- Play hide and seek. Tell your grandfather to count to a hundred. Be sure to return from the beach before sundown and to take him back to the home.
- Baseball in mime.
- Find the lost teeth.
- Find the lost apartment keys.
- Play find the Filipino – help your grandpa find the Filipino that he has accidentally locked in the broom closet.
- Play “Did I ever tell you about the time I …..”. If you manage to get through ten back to back stories without feeding him sleeping pills dissolved in whiskey you win. If he manages to actually surprise you with one you haven’t heard more than More >
The Security System
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Madge and Bill lived in a neighborhood which, in their words, “was going to the dogs”. Their five bedroom New Jersey house boasted matching wallpaper and carpets, a dining table that could comfortably sit 20 people but never did, and a waterless dolphin shaped swimming pool in the back garden which they were very proud of. They moved in, seven years earlier, together with their twin poodles Tweedledumb and Tweedledunn, one dead parrot (an heirloom) and their four kids Mark Anthony, Fletcher, Donna and Jor-el ( they were founder members of the local Marlon Brando Fan Club). East Gandol More >
15 Reasons Why Pets are Better than Children
1. You don’t have to get pregnant and give birth.
2. You can leave them alone for hours without anyone calling child protection.
3. If they get pregnant you can sell their offspring.
4. They never complain about your cooking.
5. They don’t know how to drive your car.
6. You don’t have to fork out thousands of dollars for a college education which they won’t use anyway.
7. You won’t send you off to a retirement home.
8. They’ve never read of rap or trance music.
9. They don’t chew gum and then leave it on your new white sofa.
10. You won’t get complaints from the neighbours on how More >
Rich Man Poor Man – Is being rich all that it’s cut out to be?
Rich is not all it’s cut out to be. Being rich can be really hard. You don’t believe me? Well here are a few examples.
Mornings
Poor: Doesn’t need to get up till twelve. It’s not as if he has a job to go to.
Working Class: Gets up, kisses his wife, takes the broken-down station wagon to the station and reads Newsday while commuting to work.
Rich: Every morning starts with decisions. Gets up, kisses the young starlet he picked up last night whose name escapes him, then has to decide which car to take to the office. The forecast promises sunshine, which More >
Last Will and Testament
I Martin William Luthor Goodfellow, a resident of Bel Air, being of sound and disposing mind and memory, hereby bequeath the following:
To my beautiful blonde secretary Marilyn, who found the time to sit by my sick bed while my family were off celebrating Independence Day, I bequeath $500,000 in cash.
To My son Andrew, who, for reasons known only to himself, goes by the nickname The Blade, adorns over a dozen earrings, some in places too embarrassing for me to mention here, and has a tattoo on his back that is subtitled the rape of Mary. Who always dreamed of owning More >
Garbage Man
It’s something I do every day.
Sometimes I feel
That the smell is unreal
But I really have to do it anyway.
–
It’s something that’s stated in your marriage licence
I bet you didn’t read the small print.
The man gets to take out the garbage each night
While the women may go shopping till he’s skint.
–
I love taking out the garbage
It means I get two minutes to myself.
Just me and the cats and a couple of rats
It’s really quite good for my health.
–
There’s not much more to say about the garbage
It’s a sport that involves mostly men.
If you perfect your aim
You More >
10 Great Ways to Conserve Energy
It’s that time of year again. You’ve eaten your way through your summer wardrobe, the kids have succeeded in destroying your computer before you managed to backup the presentation you’ve been working on all week and is due on Monday morning. Your mother-in-law just phoned to say she’ll be coming for the weekend, the forecast is rain, sleet and thunderstorms yet it is over 40 degrees centigrade in the shade and yes the guy who promised to come and fix your air-conditioner has been arrested by immigration. What better time to ask what you can to to help conserve energy. More >
The Married Man’s Playboy
Thanks to tweeters @maverika and @truth_candour for the inspiration
Due to the declining circulation of Playboy Magazine and it’s boring cable channels, Playboy executives have been searching for a new venue that will keep them away from Chapter 11 and a hostile takeover from Penthouse. They may just have found it in their new Hubby Magazine the Adult Magazine for the Married Man. Here is an exclusive peak behnd the covers of the first issue.
In this months issueThe Hubby Forum: Answers to all the questions that you were afraid to ask your mother (or mother-in-law)
- Why does my wife’s clothes More >
Emails we wish we could Recall
"You bastard. Don't bother coming home tonight. I have changed all the locks anyway. I also did some spring cleaning and threw all your clothes out of the window. The homeless bearded guy, who lives across from Starbucks, seems really happy in your tux. I am writing this mail from the new Ipad your mother bought you for your birthday. It's a bit dusty so when I'm finished I'll put it in the washer together with those expensive, leather cowboy boots you bought in Rome. You piece of S! How could you do this to me? Who is the red More >
The Taite Guide to Chocolate
Chocolate was first invented my the distinguished Roman theologist and inventor Dr. Chocko Lette almost 2000 years ago. Dr Lette was searching for an original birthday present for his first wife Vanilla Flake. Lette was concerned that Vanilla was gaining too much weight from all the food she devoured at the all night parties she attended and produced a healthy well balanced diet based entirely on the produce of the cocoa bean. The concept was brilliant in its simplicity. Chocolate is made of cocoa beans. Beans are vegetables. Everyone knows that vegetables are good for your health. Vanilla Flake Lette More >
The Taite Guide to Mothers-in-Law
Mothers-in-Law
I could tell what day it was going to be. It was all written in the sky. I woke up without a headache, the sun was shining. I could detect the chirping of robins from the nearby tree. Then the doorbell rang and the storm began. My mother in law is allergic to dishwashers. Well not really allergic she just doesn’t believe that a machine can really clean dishes. Every time she visits she removes all the dirty dishes that have piled up and washes them by hand. Then she replaces them in the More >Behind every successful man stands a surprised mother-in-law
The Dinner Party Part 2
A new British survey reveals that 57% of the people interviewed find throwing a dinner party puts them under more stress than going to work. Further findings show that 44% of the population believe giving such a party is frightening than a visit to the dentist. “I don’t want to”, was my initial reaction to the idea, “I work hard enough during the week as it is. I need a rest.” “Oh come on, it will be fun. If you don’t entertain how will have any friends?” As usual I was outnumbered, it was two against one (my wife is More >
An Expensive Proposal
Today’s generation is making my life unbearable. It used to be so simple. I could get away with a box of chocolates on Valentine’s Day, a romantic dinner for out anniversary and something that glittered for her birthday. Nowadays I’m being showed up by my own children every time. The first inkling of trouble was when my son announced the fact that he needed the car for his anniversary. “What anniversary?” I asked him innocently, “You’ve only been going out for a month.” What did I know. Ever since, life has been downhill all the way. Now I’ve been known More >
