1. You no longer have to brush your hair (what hair?)

2. You no longer have to brush your teeth (what teeth?)

3. Your wife no longer drives you crazy about your pot belly (what wife? I have a wife?)

4. You get to travel cheaply on public transport (but it’s such a hassle to use that you’d  prefer to stay at home and watch T.V.)

5. You now have time to watch all those T.V. programs always wanted to see but missed, but now you can’t remember what they were.

6. You can finally act your age – well actually more like an elementary school  student, but lets not be fussy.

7. You can start smoking. There are already so many things wrong with you things can only get better.

8. If you are held hostage in a bank robbery you are likely to be the first to be released.

9. You finally understand what downsizing means and it has nothing to do with corporate enterprises

10. You can flirt with your nurse without getting hit with a sexual harassment lawsuit.

© 2011 Steve Taite. All rights reserved. If you  enjoyed this post please leave a comment and pass on to your friends. If  not feel free to pass on to your enemies. Don't want to miss a post? What are you waiting for, subscribe now or follow me on twitter.

SSSSS

Sometimes I write movies
Somtimes I write songs
Sometimes I feel every waking moment
Is absolutely wrong.

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Sometimes I’m an empty canvas
With a bucketload of paint
Often I’m my worse nightmare
Pretending to be a saint.

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Maybe I’m a misplaced child
Who won’t believe he’s lost
Or a shopaholic for a long lost life
Who can’t afford the cost.

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Maybe I don’t exist at all
Just a part in someone’s book.
Maybe you won’t see me at all
If you take a second look.

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Perhaps I am a philosopher’s cat
Or a goldfish less a bowl.

Maybe I’m an exotic dancer
Who’s just mispaced her pole.

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Maybe I’m an actor
Still waiting for his cue
But in the end
The question stands
Could it be I’m you?

© 2011 Steve Taite. All rights reserved. If you  enjoyed this post please leave a comment and pass on to your friends. If  not feel free to pass on to your enemies. Don't want to miss a post? What are you waiting for, subscribe now or follow me on twitter.

When I think back
On all the snaps I took in high school.
All  those classmates
In photos short and tall.
All the cutest girls,
forever adolescent.
In slightly faded  colors stuck on my wall.

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Kodachrome.
You filled my albums a plenty
My heart was never empty,
Before I reached to twenty my shelves were full.
I had a pocket Kodak  camera,
I took it with me everywhere
But now they’ve taken my Kodachrome away.

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If I think of  all the girls I knew
When I was single.
I have a picture, black and white of everyone.
And  though some photos that I took
Were not in focus
I pretended I was Fellini just having fun.

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Kodachrome.
You guested at my wedding.
And captured my first double bedding,
And all the kiddies parties from day one.
I had a flashy Nikon,
That took an hour to focus
But then again that was really half the fun.

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Oh yes I’m older now
But sure I aint no wiser.
’cause digital is really not the same.
I really miss the smell
Of pics freshly developed.
The whole damn thing is really such a shame.
-

Kodachrome.
My picture albums are fading
The new world stinks of faking
And I wonder what’s the next thing that will go.
I have an Iphone camera
I take it with me everywhere
But really miss the old Kodachrome glow.

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© 2011 Steve Taite. All rights reserved. If you  enjoyed this post please leave a comment and pass on to your friends. If  not feel free to pass on to your enemies. Don't want to miss a post? What are you waiting for, subscribe now or follow me on twitter.

Here are some interesting parodies:

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Baby Road

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Maiden Road

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The Lego Road

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The real beetle version

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Why did the chicken cross Abbey Road?

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VW Beetle's Abbey Road

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The Penguin Version

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More beetles

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Oops!

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Hubbie Road

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More more interesting and often hilarious Beatles posts, including the Japanese Beatles, the rewrite of Sgt Pepper album, I am a Walrus and Imagine and much more, check out the Beatles Forever Section

© 2011 Steve Taite. All rights reserved. If you  enjoyed this post please leave a comment and pass on to your friends. If  not feel free to pass on to your enemies. Don't want to miss a post? What are you waiting for, subscribe now or follow me on twitter.

Over the past year I have written about many different and colorful experiences of a foreigner living in Japan. About a week ago I found it necessary to be admitted to hospital (I am fine now, thank you for asking). So I had ample opportunity to compare the hospital here to ones I had visited before for one reason or another.

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Japanese Hospital Food

© 2011 Steve Taite. All rights reserved. If you  enjoyed this post please leave a comment and pass on to your friends. If  not feel free to pass on to your enemies. Don't want to miss a post? What are you waiting for, subscribe now or follow me on twitter.

To everything (turn, turn, turn)
There is a season (turn, turn, turn)
And a time for every purpose, under heaven

Most people will remember this as more of a Byrds’ song, a group who immortalized the hit song,  than one by Dylan.

Over the years many of Dylan’s songs have earned cover versions, notably the trillion versions of  Knocking on Heaven’s Door, George Harrison’s If Not For You,  The Rolling Stones’ inevitable live cover of Like a Rolling Stone (no there is no connection between the song and the group’s name), Fairport Convention’s I’ll Keep it with Mine,  the recent Adele’s rendition of Make You Feel My Love and of course the tremendous Hendrix All Along the Watchtower. Basically if you’re not covered then you haven’t made it.

Charity albums and performances have become similarly popular over the last few decades. They are basically a Win WIn project, some African country or children’s fund gets the money, a lot of celebrities get great hype and publicity and we get  a multi disc package for a special price. When these are good they are very very good (as in The Concert for Bangla Desh) and when they are bad – well how bad can they be with all the artists involved there must be a few really good tracks right?

Which brings me to the four disc, 76 track 80 artist extravaganza celebrating Bob Dylan’s work and 50 years of Amnesty International. Everyone who is anybody, was somebody or is on talking terms with the producer seems to have got into the act. The result, as you might expect is mixed. It’s like going to a fusion restaurant that serves a set dinner comprising of   Sushi, baked beans on toast, hummus, Aljotta soup, Hungarian goulash, Shepherd’s Pie, black bean ice-cream, Brie and Italian espresso. Yes you are liable to get indigestion!

As Pavarotti has passed on it was left to the producers Jeff Ayeroff and Julie Yannatta, who previously gave us the Darfur John Lennon tribute, to be more creative. And creative they were. First they dug up Joan Baez, Marianne Faithfull, Kris Kristofferson, Pete Seeger and Carley Simon, then they added classic rock idols   Pete Townsend and Mark Knopfler, plus representatives from every music category around and made sure not to forget the GREAT  Miley Cyrus!!. Luckily we now live in a digital world where you can filter out the bad stuff ( Please don’t ask me about Ke$ha’s murder of Don’t Think Twice it’s Alright, my words could never do it proper injustice)  and listen to some of the better moments – and because of the size of the project there are quite a few. I particularly liked Angelique Kidjo’s beautiful  Lay Lady Lay, Brett Dennen’s uplifting You Ain’t Going Nowhere and  Raphael Saadiq’s interesting  Leopard-Skin Pill-Box Hat. For the rest of the bunch I’ll let you make your own choices. I couldn’t digest Pete Seeger’s Forever Young or Carley’s Just Like a Woman and was truly disappointed with (Marianne Faithful’s live rendition of  Baby Let Me Follow You Down.

Not my favorite album by far but it has it’s moments. Judge for yourself.

More on Dylan in the Taite Gallery

The philosophy of Dylan  – a deeper look at Dylan’s best lyrics

Times are Changing - An updated Dylan masterpiece

© 2011 Steve Taite. All rights reserved. If you  enjoyed this post please leave a comment and pass on to your friends. If  not feel free to pass on to your enemies. Don't want to miss a post? What are you waiting for, subscribe now or follow me on twitter.

Along with 273,000 Bible topics and  71,000+ options for Shakespeare there are some pretty weird books on it’s shelves. Here are a few for your reading pleasure.

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* The Zen of Farting - ”A book about the spiritual lessons of flatulence by a Buddhist teacher with a conspicuous name”

* English as a Second F*cking Language: How to Swear Effectively, Explained in Detail with Numerous Examples Taken From Everyday Life

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* Modern German Humor ’nuff said

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* Shechita Barbaric? Oy Vay! Have You Seen the Spanish Method of Cattle Slaughter?: A Sideways Look at the Lunatic Fringe Opposition to Kosher Meat from the Jew-wise to the Animal Rights Lobby. Currently out of print so no picture. I wonder why.

* How to Shit in the Woods, Second Edition: An Environmentally Sound Approach to a Lost Art

- Book description: The author continues to expand her investigation into better methods of conduct in the outdoors, reviews health concerns, and shares some of the extraordinary mail her book has generated

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* Do-It-Yourself Coffins: For Pets and People (Schiffer Book for Woodworkers)

For those who’ve always wanted to make one but were afraid to ask how.

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* Ninja Mind Control

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* Male Delivery: Reproduction, Effeminacy, and Pregnant Men in Early Modern Spain

The title says it all.

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* Walter the Farting Dog Farts Again (Picture Puffins)

Book description: (I swear this is how it is described in Amazon) When Walter the Farting Dog is sold for a measly ten pounds, Billy and Betty are distraught. But Walter doesn’t realise he’s been caught up in a dreadful plan involving a fake clown, litres of his unique farts and a bank robbery. Only Walter could be relied on to fart his way out of danger as well as solving a bank robbery and becoming the town’s hero – even if a bit of a stinky one!

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* Pornogami: A Guide to the Ancient Art of Paper-Folding for Adults

No picture – this is a family oriented blog!!!!

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*  The Big Coloring Book of Vaginas  - Not what you think. No wait a minute exactly what you think! At least the cover is acceptable.

Book description: use your imagination.

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* The History of Lesbian Hair

- This is a topic that someone had to write about. I can just imagine the scenario. One bored author with writing block sitting in a dark room. “What the X#&* should I write about? Oh I know howabout the history of lesbian hair.” Look out for the sequel: “How to diagnose if your pet is gay”.

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© 2011 Steve Taite. All rights reserved. If you  enjoyed this post please leave a comment and pass on to your friends. If  not feel free to pass on to your enemies. Don't want to miss a post? What are you waiting for, subscribe now or follow me on twitter.

I see an open door and  want to paint it black.
No freedom  anymore lets turn the whole web black
I see some P2P up by the Pirates’s Bay.
I want to sink their ships and make them go away.

*
I see a whole new world, no colors except black.
When all the legislation’s through there will be no way back.
I see a a generation losing all its sense of pride.
Just like the Cheshire cat  we’ll all have cause to hide.

*
The people behind all this, they just don’t understand.
It’s not about the royalties of some great historic band.
If they looked hard enough they’d see the setting sun
What needs assurance is that tomorrow morning comes.

*

So please step back and think before you bring us down.
We need our Wikis without which we will skip town.
It’s time you realized that there is no way back.
If you don’t change your ways the future’s painted black.

*

I see an open door and  want to paint it black.
No freedom  anymore lets turn the whole web black
A see a multitude of soldiers back to back.
All fighting to ensure we won’t go back to black.
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I see a window still, please don’t you paint it black.

*

© 2011 Steve Taite. All rights reserved. If you  enjoyed this post please leave a comment and pass on to your friends. If  not feel free to pass on to your enemies. Don't want to miss a post? What are you waiting for, subscribe now or follow me on twitter.

They all lined up at the entrance,

Five hundred and a score.

The queue that started hours before,

Now circled round the score.

It was the first Saturday of January,

And some were looking rather pale.

But none would dream of leaving now,

Ten minutes before the sale.

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The showroom was completely filled

With all the shapes and sizes.

For those outside in the freezing cold,

They were offering great prizes.

Women, girls and hopeful grans

All waited at the gate.

At the chime of nine

They all left the line

And ran in to buy a mate.

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The Hubby sale comes but once a year.

It is the best time to make a catch.

After courting went ill

And romance hit the hill

Free enterprise took over the match.

For a reasonable fee

You take home what you see

And these hubbies won’t argue or cheat.

They are programmed to listen,

Wash dishes and iron.

Then late at night they are really a treat.

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They will cuddle and spoil you,

Compliment and adore too,

And never, but never complain.

They will watch your fave soap

Without making a joke.

Your life will no longer be the same.

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When you tire of a face

Well then simply replace

With some other you bought at half price.

Why not wake beside Brad,

Enjoy what Angelina had,

Then change to Johnny to add to the spice.

© 2011 Steve Taite. All rights reserved. If you  enjoyed this post please leave a comment and pass on to your friends. If  not feel free to pass on to your enemies. Don't want to miss a post? What are you waiting for, subscribe now or follow me on twitter.

O.K. so I may be a dying species, actually I am a dying species but lets not get into that here. So many things have disappeared from the world or been reinvented during the last couple of years to make the gems of my youth seem to be historic artifacts. With the global youth movement to computer games (that sounds like a political party doesn’t it?) I suppose it was only natural that the Monopoly shoehorn would find itself animated in the mobile version of the game. I used to love counting the paper money and hoarding the red hotels while sticking out my tongue at my cousins sitting opposite me. Now the money is virtual and I’m competing with a girl  or guy or maybe a trained dog  called Rex who claims he is from Russia but I think lives in New Jersey.

Another remnant from my adolescence turned traitor is Scrabble. No you can play with an IPad as a board and your IPhone doubling as a tile rack. Wow!

Gone are my encyclopedia, my tape deck and speaker towers, my Polaroid camera  and all my precious record sleeves.

If all this wasn’t enough there’s the Swiss Army Knife – the dream of all teenage boys who can’t wait to use it to extract nails from a horses hooves. No they haven’t buried it yet but what does every survival expert and boy scout need? If you guessed the 1 Terabyte disk on key then you were on the right track or should that be trek?

© 2011 Steve Taite. All rights reserved. If you  enjoyed this post please leave a comment and pass on to your friends. If  not feel free to pass on to your enemies. Don't want to miss a post? What are you waiting for, subscribe now or follow me on twitter.