If America invaded Britain

The Red White and Yanky

It came as a huge surprise. American troupes attacked on four fronts Air, Land Sea and on center pages of the Sun. It was, however, the intrusion of American troupes to a live episode of The East Enders that forced the outcome. The Brits gave in without a fight.

Here is how Britain will look after the American Invasion.

1.  British tea would be outlawed.

2.  Rubbers will no longer be sold to schoolchildren at Woolworths and Office Depot.

3. All British satirical and comedy programs will come with American subtitles and a five minute explanatory wrap-up at the end.

4. Every crime show episode will have at least one role for an ex- Miss America or similar.

5. The East-Enders will be cancelled.

6. Dishes on menus in  Indian restaurants will be classified as : hot, extra hot, extra extra hot, unbelievably hot and please provide proof of existing last will and testimony before ordering this.

7. Any American soldier stationed in London who has the unfortunate luck of being named Lou, will from now on be referred to as Bert so as to avoid confusion and avoid incidents in restaurants. The members of the armed forces have also been warned not to ask to use the bathroom as water is at a shortage. Likewise female soldiers named Fannie would best ask for relocation.

8. As part of the recolonization of Britain, every American will be allowed to adopt up to three British heritages including family crests, maternal bagpipes and vintage 19 century haggis. Those who can prove actual Scottish or Irish ancestry will be made major shareholders in the local brewery of their choice.

9. Monty Python shows will cease to be syndicated. The Americans never really did understand them anyway.

10. The Tower of London will be sold to Disney and turned into a theme park.

11.  Pub closing hours will be abolished – finally something the Yanks and Brits can agree upon.

12. English girls may wear mini skirts only after they have gained 22 kilos (or 10 lbs) so as not to embarrass  the newly arrived conquerors from New Jersey. Checkpoints will be set upon around London to check on this. (code named Checkpoint Charlene)

13.  Benny Hill will finally be buried and forgotten.

14. British weather will be abolished – or else.

15. Buckingham Palace will be turned into a casino run by Donald Trump, Hugh Hefner and friends (none over the age of 19). The Queen and her family will be given bit parts in the Cirque du Soleil Queen Revival show.

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