Alien Venture 4 – Opening Night

I didn’t sleep well the night before the grand opening. My four legged chef refused to divulge the menu and I had nightmares that involved mountains of spaghetti and meatballs dancing with eight feet tall sashimi. What made things worse was the fact that Jan informed me that he expected a full house of paying guests. If the previous days were anything to go by, that would mean a circus parade of escaped characters from 50′s Sci-Fi B movies. But my fears were in vain. At 7 P.M. when we opened the restaurant the patrons were about as average as you could find in mid America. Most of the tables were filled with everyday families who had ordered either the day’s special of double cheeseburger and fries or the Buffalo Bill Baby ribs with onion rings. And there were no complaints either. Chef Poo dog Wan had kept his bargain and hadn’t shown his face or tail to the customers and Amanda and Pam had stopped fighting. Jan played the perfect Maître D and for a couple of minutes I thought that my misgivings were unfounded. At a table by the door, three overweight teenage girls, wearing far too much make-up, looked over the menu for several minutes before ordering our bottomless milkshakes. When the shakes   arrived I thought that they looked anything but bottomless, how wrong I was.  The girls were obviously disappointed with the portions they had received. One of them, wearing a yellow and green sweatshirt bearing the slogan “the best things come in large sizes”, as if she was out to prove something, drank down her shake in one long gulp and slammed the glass back onto the table. Magically it refilled itself. The girl next to her, whose t-shirt claimed “Thin is all in the mind”, blinked twice at the new phenomenon, and then demolished in to her Supersized Strawberry Shake in Guinness Record time.   True to expectations, her sundae also refilled itself. Now aliens come and aliens go, but there is only so much you can pack into a set of oversized teenage schoolgirls before an explosion occurs. All I can say is that what followed wasn’t pretty. I was always under the impression that lions only ate meat. I was wrong.  From a records point of view I’m not sure which took it, the lioness slurping up the sundae remains from the floor, or the teenage girls sprinting out of the restaurant a la Road Runner. Luckily Jan had a few tricks up his sleeve, not to mention a six foot purple viper named Bert and half a dozen rabbits with matching What’s Up T-shirts. Using the art of illusion, known only to a few choice members of the Magic Society and aliens over the age of two hundred and forty, Jan transformed the lions into playboy bunnies in micro bikinis and chocolate covered Chippendale dancers. Wan kept the children happy with a huge Jenga game made out of hot dogs. In fact the evening might easily have been called a success if Gran hadn’t decided to don her Wonder Women costume and try and get hitched for the night. Still it was only our first night. Things were bound to be less chaotic tomorrow. Yeh right!

to be continued

© 2011 Steve Taite. All rights reserved. If you  enjoyed this post please leave a comment and pass on to your friends. If  not feel free to pass on to your enemies. Don't want to miss a post? What are you waiting for, subscribe now or follow me on twitter.