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I Martin William Luthor Goodfellow, a resident of Bel Air, being of sound and disposing mind and memory, hereby bequeath the following: To my beautiful blonde secretary Marilyn, who found the time to sit by my sick bed while my family were off celebrating Independence Day, I bequeath $500,000 in cash. To My son Andrew, who, for reasons known only to himself, goes by the nickname The Blade, adorns over a ...
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Some games are hard to win. Take Office Tennis for Instance. Game I got to work one morning Around a quarter to ten. I sipped my coffee, read my Inbox, And it was that then I could feel a funny itching From beneath my clothes. Then I realized a fly had squatted On my nose. I tried to swat it with my backhand, Blot it with my forehand Chase it to the door and Make my name. But i...
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Taumatawhakatangihangakoauauotamateaturipukakapikimaungahoronukupokaiakitnatahu is a real place. It is the name of an existing hill in New Zealand, or so the Internet claims.This comes from the same people who tell me that goldfish have a memory span of three seconds (how anyone measured that I don't know), and giraffes can't sing. The Internet is the basis for all our knowledge now. We have no choice but to believe...
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The Taite Guide to Airports
We arrived at the airport three hours before departure time. My wife wasn't very happy about that fact but our previous holiday was all but ruined by the fact that the plane took off without us. This was the only time I can remember when my flight actually left when they said it would. We were late due to a traffic jam resulting from the collision between a truck full of boxes of adult Pampers and a semi-trailer...
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The lighter side of death

Visiting Rites

Susan Jane McCoy was a righteous and graceful eighty five year old lady who was spending the last of her days at the St Mary Retirement home in southern New Jersey. One fine morning she requested to speak to the local priest.

“Father”, she said in a broken, worn out voice “I feel that my time is drawing near and I have two requests.”

“Mrs. McCoy, you have been a faithful member of our community for several generations, I promise you I will try to fulfill your requests.”

“Thank you father, firstly, when I die I want to be cremated. and second I want my ashes to be scattered all over Bloomingdales”.

The priest was silent for several minutes before asking.”Why Bloomingdales?”

“Father, after fifteen solitary years, finally I’ll be able to get my my daughters to visit me.”

——————

Recently Deceased

Carl Grossman died and was ushered to the Judgement Room, just left of Heaven’s Gates, to receive his fate. After a while that seemed like an eternity St. Peter came in and addressed him.

, “Before you meet with the Almighty who will decree if you are worthy of going to Heaven or rotting in Hell, we want to give you one last change to redeem yourself. We have looked through your life but seem unable to point to anything particularly good or bad you have done that would help us to decide your fate. In your own words could you please tell us something you did that can help us come to a decision?”

Carl thought for a moment and answered , “St. Peter, sir, there is one thing. I was driving to work and while stopping at the lights I noticed a young women of about thirty being picked upon by a group of bikers. So I parked the car, took out my tire iron, and went up to the leader of the bikers. He was a big, muscular, hairy guy with a tattoo across his chest that read “I’m mean and I mean business” and several rings attached to his nose. So anyway I pulled off a couple of his nose-rings and told him that he and his gang had better stop bothering the woman or they would have to deal with me!”

“Wow I’m really impressed,” St. Peter responded, “When did this happen?”

“About five minutes ago” came the reply.

———-

Death in Jerusalem

Chris Conrad decided to surprise his wife, Grace, and take her on a second honeymoon to the Holy land. Both avid churchgoers, they had been talking of such a holiday for several years. What Chris hadn’t counted on was that Grace would bring along her mother, just as she had done on their first honeymoon. After a week of touring in scorching temperatures, Grace’s mother complained of feeling under the weather and took to her hotel bed. Matters went from bad to worse and within 24 hours it was necessary to call for a priest.

The following day Chris took the death certificate to the American Consulate Office to make arrangements for send the body back to the States to be buried.

The Consul, after hearing of the death of Chris’ mother-in-law, told him that sending the body back to the States would be extremely costly, whereas he could arrange a local burial for a fraction of the cost.

Chris gave the matter some thought and answered:

“I don’t care how much it will cost to send the body back; that’s what I want to do.”

The Consul, after hearing this, says, “I’m really impressed. You must have loved your mother-in-law very much”.

“No, it’s not that,” says Chris. “You see, I know of a case years ago of a person that was buried here in Jerusalem. On the third day he arose from the dead !

I just can’t afford to take that chance.”

© 2011 Steve Taite. All rights reserved.
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