A foreigner’s first experience with a Japanese toilet could easily be compared with a teenagers first experience with love. You meet this gorgeous girl during the school recess but you have no idea what to do about it. No-one has given you an instructions manual. The same can be said about Japanese washlets – right  you really don’t want to call it a toilet any more than you’d call a Jaguar E-Type Roaster a car – they do come with an instruction manual but it’s Japanese.

First things first, before entering the pleasure are, be sure to slip on your toilet slippers.

You first encounter with the elegant all powerful Washlet can be a little scary. You walk into the room and the toilet lid automatically rises. Holy Casper – you think, this toilet is haunted, but you are wrong, this is just the way this executive model greets you. You will soon find that you can lift the seat for #1 action or lower it for a more lengthy visit  at the touch of a button. Actually the button is pretty clearly marked, which makes you wonder if you should experiment with the 36 other controls.

So you are the adventurous type like me, and you start experimenting. Please be forewarned not to do this while wearing your best suit or Fifth Ave evening gown. The first button you press causes a flushing sound and you reckon you’ve found how to flush the toilet. Wrong! This is just the built in noisemaker  that makes a flushing sound to mask any noise you might be making while active (aren’t I inventive with not using the C’ word?)

If you now proceed to a button with the picture of a female bum on it, and you don’t possess one (if you know what I mean, wink, wink, nudge, nudge), please beware, this is the bidet button, results can me painful.

Now you are safely seated on your warm toilet seat, you can  move past the button that chemically analyses your urine  and search for other goodies. This is the time to adjust the water temperature and shower your underneath parts choosing between the options for soft spray, heavy rinse and typhoon. If that doesn’t get you clean, nothing will. No don’t get up now, you’ll be dripping everywhere. Find the blow-dryer button first.

Whoops – the digital clock tells you you’ve been at it for twenty minutes now, Time to call it a day and left the self cleaning mechanism do its work.

That’s fine, you say, but what happens when you’re away on a trip and have to leave your precious Washlet. Ah but they even have an answer for that;

Please meet The Travel Washlet, You just fill your “Travel Washlet” with warm water, then when  nature calls on the road, all you need do is unfold the little squirt-nozzle and wash your behind.

Isn’t life beautiful?

© 2011 Steve Taite. All rights reserved.
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