What the Queen said, and what she really meant
"Like all the best families, we have our share of eccentricities, of impetuous and wayward youngsters and of family disagreements." English interpretation: "My sister's a lush, my daughter in law bollimic, my son insists on making it out with a cow, my husband's so senile that he tries to put it in the vacuum cleaner and my favorite Corgi has eloped to America." --- "It's all to do with the training: you c...
What the Queen said, and what she really meant
"Like all the best families, we have our share of eccentricities, of impetuous and wayward youngsters and of family disagreements." English interpretation: "My sister's a lush, my daughter in law bollimic, my son insists on making it out with a cow, my husband's so senile that he tries to put it in the vacuum cleaner and my favorite Corgi has eloped to America." --- "It's all to do with the training: you c...
11 Things you shouldn't do at a wedding
1. Get blind drunk and hang your panties on the chandelier while performing your version of "Yes I Cancan" 2. Have sex with the best man in the bathroom during the wedding ceremony. 3. Though you are the best man, have sex n the bathroom with the maid of honour and lose the wediing ring down the toilet in a moment of unexplained animal passion. 4. Have sex with the best man and the maid of honour in the ...
ChatRoulette: what you've been missing
© 2010 Steve Taite. All rights reserved. If you enjoyed this post please leave a comment and pass on to your friends. If not feel free to pass on to your enemies. Don't want to miss a post? What are you waiting for, subscribe now or follow me on twitter.
Minuet: the future Twitter worth at least $1 billion
I'm the sort of guy who has all these great ideas but am unable to do anything with them, which is the reason my apartment is not next to Bill Gates mansion (or Hugh Hefner's for that matter). Some clever kids came up with Facebook , Twitter and Youtube and now take their baths in French champagne on their private 767 jet. Well I have this great idea which I will reveal in a minute, and if someone out there d...
Avatar II Auditions: The Revenge of the Canines
It was inevitable. After the success of the first movie the web was full of rumors and speculations regarding the sequel (obviously the first of many). Mini (my wonderdog) had already got a head start on me. It's easy for her, she doesn't have to hold down a day job and commute every morning and evening. She is entitled to free bed and board and can sleep all day if she choses, which she does after she has c...
100 Things to do when you're Bored
1. Write a list of things to do when you are bored. 2. Count the number of peope who die in Avatar (see The BodyCounters ) 3. Write down ten positive things about your mother-in-law 4. Play solitaire on your computer, blindfolded. 5. Drive your car to work blindfolded (only for the really reckless) 6. Sing all the songs on all the Beatle albums in descending chronological order. 7. Sit in the park with a...
Adventures in a Japanese Loo
A foreigner's first experience with a Japanese toilet could easily be compared with a teenagers first experience with love. You meet this gorgeous girl during the school recess but you have no idea what to do about it. No-one has given you an instructions manual. The same can be said about Japanese washlets - right you really don't want to call it a toilet any more than you'd call a Jaguar E-Type Roaster a car - t...
The History of Dating
The Caveman Era - the first date He: Uggh She: Uggh yourself He bangs her over head and drags her into the cave. Date over! ================== Romeo and Juliet Romeo [To Juliet] If I profane with my unworthiest hand This holy shrine, the gentle fine is this: My lips, two blushing pilgrims, ready stand To smooth that rough touch with a tender kiss. JULIET [to her nurse] I swear, I don't...
Adventures in a Japanese Loo
A foreigner's first experience with a Japanese toilet could easily be compared with a teenagers first experience with love. You meet this gorgeous girl during the school recess but you have no idea what to do about it. No-one has given you an instructions manual. The same can be said about Japanese washlets - right you really don't want to call it a toilet any more than you'd call a Jaguar E-Type Roaster a car - t...
The Taite Guide to Airports
We arrived at the airport three hours before departure time. My wife wasn't very happy about that fact but our previous holiday was all but ruined by the fact that the plane took off without us. This was the only time I can remember when my flight actually left when they said it would. We were late due to a traffic jam resulting from the collision between a truck full of boxes of adult Pampers and a semi-trailer...
Cruise vacations: 10 things they never told you about
1. The pictures of the young girls in the slim bikinis were taken 30 years ago. You get the updated version. 2. The round the clock, all you can eat buffets aren't half as appealing when you've spent your day throwing up over the port side of the ship. 3. If you want to avail yourself of one of the ten available treadmills you must sign up on the first day and with a bit of luck you'll get your 15 minutes...
Last Will and Testament
I Martin William Luthor Goodfellow, a resident of Bel Air, being of sound and disposing mind and memory, hereby bequeath the following: To my beautiful blonde secretary Marilyn, who found the time to sit by my sick bed while my family were off celebrating Independence Day, I bequeath $500,000 in cash. To My son Andrew, who, for reasons known only to himself, goes by the nickname The Blade, adorns over a ...
Avatar II Auditions: The Revenge of the Canines
It was inevitable. After the success of the first movie the web was full of rumors and speculations regarding the sequel (obviously the first of many). Mini (my wonderdog) had already got a head start on me. It's easy for her, she doesn't have to hold down a day job and commute every morning and evening. She is entitled to free bed and board and can sleep all day if she choses, which she does after she has c...
Cruise vacations: 10 things they never told you about
1. The pictures of the young girls in the slim bikinis were taken 30 years ago. You get the updated version. 2. The round the clock, all you can eat buffets aren't half as appealing when you've spent your day throwing up over the port side of the ship. 3. If you want to avail yourself of one of the ten available treadmills you must sign up on the first day and with a bit of luck you'll get your 15 minutes...

On the First Day of Christmas

On the First day of Christmas my true love came told me, she wanted to be a divorcee.

On the Second day of Christmas my true love send to me, two guys with a summons and a Hallmark card from my future divorcee.

On the Third day of Christmas my true love send to me, three hunks who took the Lexus, two guys with a summons and a Hallmark card from my future divorcee.

On the Fourth day of Christmas my true love send to me, four moving trucks.
Three hunks for the jeep, two summon guys and yet another stinking card from my divorcee.

On the Fifth day of Christmas my true send to me,a locksmith who changed all five locks. More moving trucks, three divorce lawyers two bike re-possessors and a happy holidays card from my divorcee.

The Sixth day of Christmas I spend at my sports bar downing six shots of Smirnoff, flavoured peach,
five Bud pitchers, four Black & White’s, three Margeritas, two John Collins, and for memories sake a large sex on the beach.

On the Seventh day of Christmas I was admitted to Mount Sinai Hospital with a ruined liver, a broken heart and an empty bank account. I’m still there!

© 2010 Steve Taite. All rights reserved.
If you  enjoyed this post please leave a comment and pass on to your friends. If  not feel free to pass on to your enemies.
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