50 Things to do before you hit the bucket
Everyone hits the bucket sometime so why not have some fun on the way. Here are some suggestions. Find Big Foot Stand on Big Foots foot Run the Arctic marathon making sure you the enormous white bear behind you stays there. Spend a night at the Paris Hilton Spend a night with Paris Hilton Find Waldo then donate him the home for Lost Souls Go to the airport and take the first plane flying o...
Aliens for Neighbours: How to spot Co-Workers from Another Planet
It all started with a nightmare brought on by an overdose of chocolate, beer and late night horror movies. The dream started off normally enough. Getting up, eating breakfast, commuting to work. Then I noticed something peculiar. Something about my co-workers didn't seem kosher. Was it the fact that the doorman's skin was a bright green, or that our secretary was finding it difficult to hide her middle leg. Only a ...
50 Things to do before you hit the bucket
Everyone hits the bucket sometime so why not have some fun on the way. Here are some suggestions. Find Big Foot Stand on Big Foots foot Run the Arctic marathon making sure you the enormous white bear behind you stays there. Spend a night at the Paris Hilton Spend a night with Paris Hilton Find Waldo then donate him the home for Lost Souls Go to the airport and take the first plane flying o...
10 possible replacements for Simon Cowell due to fight it out in...
The prize is a priceless contract to lead the panel of judges on the most popular TV show in America. The winner gets Unlimited amounts of Coca Cola A chance to verbally abuse every would be, could be, should be and God help me who thinks they can sing. A free two week course in the use of eyebrow expressions A great wardrobe consisting of cheap jeans and plain T-shirts. Ladies and...
The Taite Guide to Airports
We arrived at the airport three hours before departure time. My wife wasn't very happy about that fact but our previous holiday was all but ruined by the fact that the plane took off without us. This was the only time I can remember when my flight actually left when they said it would. We were late due to a traffic jam resulting from the collision between a truck full of boxes of adult Pampers and a semi-trailer...
100 Things to do when you're Bored
1. Write a list of things to do when you are bored. 2. Count the number of peope who die in Avatar (see The BodyCounters ) 3. Write down ten positive things about your mother-in-law 4. Play solitaire on your computer, blindfolded. 5. Drive your car to work blindfolded (only for the really reckless) 6. Sing all the songs on all the Beatle albums in descending chronological order. 7. Sit in the park with a...
Morning Zombies
You walk them, You feed them, You tidy up after them - you are one fine canine zombie. At the witching hour, Early morning, The zombies are walking the streets. With only one eye open, The slumber just broken The cyclops admits his defeat. The sidewalks deserted, Their life is inverted By four legs that are attached to a leash. Holy cow it's a weekend But they are ruled by the ...
The Blonde Guide to Flying
Now you don't have to worry about going abroad and accidentally boarding the plane to Afghanistan, the newly published "International Flying Guide for Blondes" will tell you everything you need to know to when flying abroad. Condensed into 12 detailed pages (yes there are pictures), this book is a must for every blonde who couldn't find her way out of the duty free or work out how to extract the complimentary h...
Commercials from the Real World
Having hard day? Your boss doesn't understand you? Your bank account overdrawn? Your bank manager doesn't understand you? We have just the escape for you. For a limited time only join us on a Homeless Weekend. No necessity to pack any fancy clothes, come as you are and experience a life with no commitments. And just to prove to you how serious we are we'll throw in 3 complementary meals at the Downtown Ki...
Commercials from the Real World
Having hard day? Your boss doesn't understand you? Your bank account overdrawn? Your bank manager doesn't understand you? We have just the escape for you. For a limited time only join us on a Homeless Weekend. No necessity to pack any fancy clothes, come as you are and experience a life with no commitments. And just to prove to you how serious we are we'll throw in 3 complementary meals at the Downtown Ki...
Avatar II Auditions: The Revenge of the Canines
It was inevitable. After the success of the first movie the web was full of rumors and speculations regarding the sequel (obviously the first of many). Mini (my wonderdog) had already got a head start on me. It's easy for her, she doesn't have to hold down a day job and commute every morning and evening. She is entitled to free bed and board and can sleep all day if she choses, which she does after she has c...
What the Queen said, and what she really meant
"Like all the best families, we have our share of eccentricities, of impetuous and wayward youngsters and of family disagreements." English interpretation: "My sister's a lush, my daughter in law bollimic, my son insists on making it out with a cow, my husband's so senile that he tries to put it in the vacuum cleaner and my favorite Corgi has eloped to America." --- "It's all to do with the training: you c...
Commercials from the Real World
Having hard day? Your boss doesn't understand you? Your bank account overdrawn? Your bank manager doesn't understand you? We have just the escape for you. For a limited time only join us on a Homeless Weekend. No necessity to pack any fancy clothes, come as you are and experience a life with no commitments. And just to prove to you how serious we are we'll throw in 3 complementary meals at the Downtown Ki...
50 Things to do before you hit the bucket
Everyone hits the bucket sometime so why not have some fun on the way. Here are some suggestions. Find Big Foot Stand on Big Foots foot Run the Arctic marathon making sure you the enormous white bear behind you stays there. Spend a night at the Paris Hilton Spend a night with Paris Hilton Find Waldo then donate him the home for Lost Souls Go to the airport and take the first plane flying o...
The Taite Guide to Apple
Now that Steve Jobs has displayed the Ipad to the world, it remains to be seen which new devices he will conquer the world with in the years to come. Here, from our personal inside mole at a top secret Apple research lab, is a guide to a few of the new products Apple is secretly working on. 1. The Ipotty. Press for number one or number two as applicable 2. The Imobile. Tomorrows breakthrough in mobile...

Cruise vacations: 10 things they never told you about

1. The pictures of the young girls in the slim bikinis were taken 30 years ago. You get the updated version.
2. The round the clock, all you can eat buffets aren’t half as appealing when you’ve spent your day throwing up over the port side of the ship.
3. If you want to avail yourself of one of the ten available treadmills you must sign up on the first day and with a bit of luck you’ll get your 15 minutes worth on the last day of the trip.
4. If you weigh more than 120 kilo on arrival, you may find it impossible to leave your cabin after the third day. Tip – there is such a thing as too much free ice-cream.
5. If your idea of romance is seducing elderly widows with hearing aids and walkers, you’re in the right place.
6. If you are allergic to Abba now is a good time to jump overboard.
7. No, your eyes don’t deceive you, the oval bath on the deck is the swimming pool you saw in the brochure and they won’t refund your money because the lifeguard looks more like Woody Allen than Woody Harrison.
8. No, the rumors that Pamela Anderson is on board are entirely unfounded.
9. You’ll be stuck for 9 days with all the kind of people you spend your life avoiding.
10. That kid who sat in front of you on the plane over and screamed throughout the entire flight has been assigned the cabn adjacent to yours.

© 2010 Steve Taite. All rights reserved.
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