100 Things to do when you're Bored
1. Write a list of things to do when you are bored. 2. Count the number of peope who die in Avatar (see The BodyCounters ) 3. Write down ten positive things about your mother-in-law 4. Play solitaire on your computer, blindfolded. 5. Drive your car to work blindfolded (only for the really reckless) 6. Sing all the songs on all the Beatle albums in descending chronological order. 7. Sit in the park with a...
10 Ways to get rid of an Annoying Co-Worker
Has the person sitting next to you at work yet to discover the word deodorant? Does your co-worker sing Abba songs aloud eight hours a day? Does your co-worker pick his nose, thinking no one is watching, our excavate his ears? Does your co-worker were micro mini-skirts even though she weighs over 90 kg and is almost 62? Does the guy sitting opposite you tap on his desk with an HB pencil, mistaking...
Cruise vacations: 10 things they never told you about
1. The pictures of the young girls in the slim bikinis were taken 30 years ago. You get the updated version. 2. The round the clock, all you can eat buffets aren't half as appealing when you've spent your day throwing up over the port side of the ship. 3. If you want to avail yourself of one of the ten available treadmills you must sign up on the first day and with a bit of luck you'll get your 15 minutes...
You know you're really pregnant when
...that creepy guy on the train who is unable to extract the finger from his nostril and who wears a torn pair of black bell bottom jeans, gets up to give you a seat. ...the guy at the local convenience store starts wrapping pickles for you before you even get to the counter. ...your homeroom teacher suggests that you both have a little ...
The Invention of Football
Many myths exist regarding the roots of the world's most popular game. They are all lies. It is time for the truth. When we say football, for all you Americans, we are not, I repeat not, talking about the Yankee version of rugby invented by Miller Lite that involves ridiculously dressed college students and flaky girl cheerleaders with pompoms). Football, or soccer, is a serous game in which fans dress up and paint...
The Taite Guide to Mothers-in-Law
Mothers-in-Law Behind every successful man stands a surprised mother-in-law I could tell what day it was going to be. It was all written in the sky. I woke up without a headache, the sun was shining. I could detect the chirping of robins from the nearby tree. Then the doorbell rang and the storm began. My mother in law is allergic to dishwashers. Well not really allergic she just doesn't believe that ...
How to Get Fired in 5 Days
Jan Janson was an expert at everything. He could read computer dumps in his sleep (and often did), produced perfect code, was always ahead of his deadline and magically produced wonderful cafe latte from the office coffee machine. He was popular with the girls, admired by the men and a perfect candidate for management. That was before he decided to get fired and leave for a better position with the competition. It ...
The Taite Guide to Project Management
Project Management Life as a project manager is comparable to a mountain climber's. The big difference being that when you get to the peak you find there is no safe way down. Whenever I get really down, my wife reminds me that it takes one women nine months to have a baby and no matter how you try it is impossible to perform the same feat in one month by impregnating nine women. It was a beautiful ...
10 possible replacements for Simon Cowell due to fight it out in...
The prize is a priceless contract to lead the panel of judges on the most popular TV show in America. The winner gets Unlimited amounts of Coca Cola A chance to verbally abuse every would be, could be, should be and God help me who thinks they can sing. A free two week course in the use of eyebrow expressions A great wardrobe consisting of cheap jeans and plain T-shirts. Ladies and...
The Taite Guide to Prisons for the Rich and Famous
Some Inmates have all the luck! "Gentlemen, I am warden Walter W. Felon III and I would like to welcome you all to the Beverly Hills Confinement Facility for the Rich and Famous. We don't like to think of it as a prison, more a home away from home with bars. We hope that your stay with us will be a happy and fulfilling one and promise to make every effort to meet your demands. To help do this I h...
The God Twitter: Memorable Tweets from the Almighty
Name: the Almighty Location: here, there and everywhere Web: www.thoushallnotkill.com Followers: tens of millions - I'm the almighty not one not Demi's live-in playmate! Following: Oprah - much more productive than Maria Noah_273 - OK so he's got a few bolts loose and his pigtail is really not in, but what the hell - he makes me smile. Maybe I'll give him a flood of his own. Then he'll have something...
Unknown Group rewrites Sgt Pepper and Conquers British Charts:...
The first single released from upcoming album Android Pfeffer's Boneless Hearts Club Band, entitled Lucy Sold Her Sky for Diamonds, has been topping the British charts for over six weeks now and is keeping Simon Cowell up late at night in an attempt to find a way to launch a counter attack and protect his interests. Taite Gallery reporters have managed to cut through the media fog surrounding the new group a...
The Taite Guide to Apple
Now that Steve Jobs has displayed the Ipad to the world, it remains to be seen which new devices he will conquer the world with in the years to come. Here, from our personal inside mole at a top secret Apple research lab, is a guide to a few of the new products Apple is secretly working on. 1. The Ipotty. Press for number one or number two as applicable 2. The Imobile. Tomorrows breakthrough in mobile...
The Taite Guide to Celebrity Trash Cans
Celebrity Trash Cans We sent the Tate Gallery roving reporter around the globe to delve into the trash cans of the rich and famous. Here is what he found. Madonna - Unread paperback copy of Sex in the City Sharon Stone - Bestselling novel How to become rich and famous without getting out of Bed Jennifer Aniston - Angelina Jolie voodoo doll with detached head. Jay Leno - Conan O' Brian voodoo doll w...
50 Things You Shouldn't Try Doing
Taking a shower while boiling a hard boiled egg. Wearing socks with holes in them while visiting a mosque. Eating sushi with a knife and fork in a Tokyo restaurant. Eating M&Ms with a knife and fork if you're not appearing on a sitcom. Posting a nude photograph of your ex-boss on Facebook - people have gone missing presumed dead for less. Bungee jumping over the George Washington Bridge while 7...

Things that didn’t happen: Woody Allen makes an action movie!

It was only a matter of time. According to The National Inquisition, Woody Allen’s next movie is set to be a full fledged action adventure set in the steaming Jungles of New Jersey. Following Allen through the many unexplored areas of South Jersey parts will be Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger, re-enacting his classic role of Colan, Bruce Willis, Silvester Stallone and the late Telly Savalas. Using technology Allen first introduced in Zelig, the dead and almost dead actors chosen to fill the parts will have new life pumped into them. The female role is being held for Lynsay Lohan who must first fulfil prior commitments to the California police department. We are told that the working title of the movie is The Jersey Jewel of Jesebel.

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