Adventures in a Japanese Loo
A foreigner's first experience with a Japanese toilet could easily be compared with a teenagers first experience with love. You meet this gorgeous girl during the school recess but you have no idea what to do about it. No-one has given you an instructions manual. The same can be said about Japanese washlets - right you really don't want to call it a toilet any more than you'd call a Jaguar E-Type Roaster a car - t...
40 more things to do when you're bored
O.K. so I know when I've got a good thing going. You loved my earlier blog 100 things to when you're bored. Here are 40 more ideas 1. Paint your monitor black. 2. Paint your monitor screen black. 3. Try to get the paint of your screen before your boss sees it and fires you. 4. Write a musical about four legged animals who sing songs based on a long dead poet. - Oh that one's been done. Sorry, there are...
What the Queen said, and what she really meant
"Like all the best families, we have our share of eccentricities, of impetuous and wayward youngsters and of family disagreements." English interpretation: "My sister's a lush, my daughter in law bollimic, my son insists on making it out with a cow, my husband's so senile that he tries to put it in the vacuum cleaner and my favorite Corgi has eloped to America." --- "It's all to do with the training: you c...
You know you're really pregnant when
...that creepy guy on the train who is unable to extract the finger from his nostril and who wears a torn pair of black bell bottom jeans, gets up to give you a seat. ...the guy at the local convenience store starts wrapping pickles for you before you even get to the counter. ...your homeroom teacher suggests that you both have a little ...
You know you're really pregnant when
...that creepy guy on the train who is unable to extract the finger from his nostril and who wears a torn pair of black bell bottom jeans, gets up to give you a seat. ...the guy at the local convenience store starts wrapping pickles for you before you even get to the counter. ...your homeroom teacher suggests that you both have a little ...
40 more things to do when you're bored
O.K. so I know when I've got a good thing going. You loved my earlier blog 100 things to when you're bored. Here are 40 more ideas 1. Paint your monitor black. 2. Paint your monitor screen black. 3. Try to get the paint of your screen before your boss sees it and fires you. 4. Write a musical about four legged animals who sing songs based on a long dead poet. - Oh that one's been done. Sorry, there are...
What the Queen said, and what she really meant
"Like all the best families, we have our share of eccentricities, of impetuous and wayward youngsters and of family disagreements." English interpretation: "My sister's a lush, my daughter in law bollimic, my son insists on making it out with a cow, my husband's so senile that he tries to put it in the vacuum cleaner and my favorite Corgi has eloped to America." --- "It's all to do with the training: you c...
You know you're really pregnant when
...that creepy guy on the train who is unable to extract the finger from his nostril and who wears a torn pair of black bell bottom jeans, gets up to give you a seat. ...the guy at the local convenience store starts wrapping pickles for you before you even get to the counter. ...your homeroom teacher suggests that you both have a little ...
Adventures in a Japanese Loo
A foreigner's first experience with a Japanese toilet could easily be compared with a teenagers first experience with love. You meet this gorgeous girl during the school recess but you have no idea what to do about it. No-one has given you an instructions manual. The same can be said about Japanese washlets - right you really don't want to call it a toilet any more than you'd call a Jaguar E-Type Roaster a car - t...
10 new work laws we'd like to see
"All work and no play" well I think it's time to put a n end to all that. Here are ten ways to do it: After a holiday or office party someone automatically brings a double dose of espresso to your desk and no sly remarks about a possible hangover are allowed. - If your boss pisses you off twice in one week you are granted an immediate, paid one day vacation - Coffee served at work must not taste like ...
The lighter side of death
Visiting Rites Susan Jane McCoy was a righteous and graceful eighty five year old lady who was spending the last of her days at the St Mary Retirement home in southern New Jersey. One fine morning she requested to speak to the local priest. "Father", she said in a broken, worn out voice "I feel that my time is drawing near and I have two requests." "Mrs. McCoy, you have been a faithful member of our c...
10 new work laws we'd like to see
"All work and no play" well I think it's time to put a n end to all that. Here are ten ways to do it: After a holiday or office party someone automatically brings a double dose of espresso to your desk and no sly remarks about a possible hangover are allowed. - If your boss pisses you off twice in one week you are granted an immediate, paid one day vacation - Coffee served at work must not taste like ...
You know you're really pregnant when
...that creepy guy on the train who is unable to extract the finger from his nostril and who wears a torn pair of black bell bottom jeans, gets up to give you a seat. ...the guy at the local convenience store starts wrapping pickles for you before you even get to the counter. ...your homeroom teacher suggests that you both have a little ...
Adventures in a Japanese Loo
A foreigner's first experience with a Japanese toilet could easily be compared with a teenagers first experience with love. You meet this gorgeous girl during the school recess but you have no idea what to do about it. No-one has given you an instructions manual. The same can be said about Japanese washlets - right you really don't want to call it a toilet any more than you'd call a Jaguar E-Type Roaster a car - t...
You know you're really pregnant when
...that creepy guy on the train who is unable to extract the finger from his nostril and who wears a torn pair of black bell bottom jeans, gets up to give you a seat. ...the guy at the local convenience store starts wrapping pickles for you before you even get to the counter. ...your homeroom teacher suggests that you both have a little ...

50 Things to do before you hit the bucket

Everyone hits the bucket sometime so why not have some fun on the way. Here are some suggestions.

Find Big Foot
Stand on Big Foots foot
Run the Arctic marathon making sure you the enormous white bear behind you stays there.
Spend a night at the Paris Hilton
Spend a night with Paris Hilton
Find Waldo then donate him the home for Lost Souls
Go to the airport and take the first plane flying out.
Write a journal about your wonderful trip to the southern province of Al Muthanna
Throw a party for 30 people who you have never met – courtesy of chatroulette
Be the only male extra in a movie directed by Anna Spam (go on look her up, see if I care)
Write the story of your life on post-its and cover your fridge with them.
Swim with a great white shark (actually put that one on the end of the list)
Complete every exercise listed in the Karma Sutra in triplicate (best performed at the office)
Stay over night in the Atlantis Bridge Suite on Paradise Island, Bahamas. It comes cheap at $25,000 a night so if you ain’t got the dough use a stolen credit card. You’re going to hit the bucket anyway so what’s stopping you right?
Skinny dip at midnight (not recommended if you live in Lapland)
Achieve world peace. I know, I know, but somebody’s got to do it.
Dance the Samba at Rio
Take Samba lessons – maybe you should have done this one before flying out to Rio!
Receive the Guinness record for being the only sober person at Oktoberfest.
Shake hands with somebody who has made a truly important contribution to society or Howard Stern.
Watch the movie Memento backwards. If you are really daring do the same with Inception.
Try to live for a week with your mobile turned off.
Try to live for a week with your internet turned off.
Try to live for a week with your spouse turned off.
Run the marathon in fancy dress for charity.
Run the marathon dressed as a Naturist for charity.
Remind Charity that you’re not as young as you used to be and that she should stop signing you up for marathons, there is no way you are going to change your will in her favour.
Enrol for a tap-dancing class and come dressed up as Sami Davis Junior.
Listen randomly to 100 songs on your Ipod without skipping a song or fast forwarding.
Write a thesis on the underlying didactic principles of The Police Academy movies.
Disguised as the Invisible Man, spend a whole day gong around as if no-one can see you. If you make it through 24 hours without getting arrested you might consider continuing for another day.
Share your innermost secrets with a complete stranger face to face or via a message in a bottle (see examples here)
Find and marry your teenage sweetheart. If your present spouse objects bribe her/him with the diamond ring or sportscar she/he has been fantasising over for the last decade.
Have your portrait painted by Ziggie Da Vinci.
Eat jellied eels from a stall in London.
Eat jellied bugs from a stall n Bangkok.
Eat live jellyfish from a stall in Survivor.
Try to find a public toilet – fast!
Learn to Yodel and serenade your neighbours at midnight (might be dangerous in certain areas of Harlem)
Go paragliding
Go parasailing
Go find a paramedic.
Go on a zorbing safari – beware of the crocs!
Try extreme Ironing
Join the Blindfold Tourism experience in Albania. (Don’t believe me Google it!)
Call your local mobile phone help desk and thank them for their wonderful service.
Find time to attend the funeral of the guy from the help desk you spoke to.
Count the holes in Blackburn, Lancashire
Write a journal (yes with pen and paper) chronicling 365 days without the use of internet.
If you managed to get through the first 49 tasks and can live without the web for a whole year then it’s time to write a list of yet another 50 things to do before you hit the bucket.

© 2010 Steve Taite. All rights reserved.
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