10 possible replacements for Simon Cowell due to fight it out in...
The prize is a priceless contract to lead the panel of judges on the most popular TV show in America. The winner gets Unlimited amounts of Coca Cola A chance to verbally abuse every would be, could be, should be and God help me who thinks they can sing. A free two week course in the use of eyebrow expressions A great wardrobe consisting of cheap jeans and plain T-shirts. Ladies and...
The Taite Guide to Mothers-in-Law
Mothers-in-Law Behind every successful man stands a surprised mother-in-law I could tell what day it was going to be. It was all written in the sky. I woke up without a headache, the sun was shining. I could detect the chirping of robins from the nearby tree. Then the doorbell rang and the storm began. My mother in law is allergic to dishwashers. Well not really allergic she just doesn't believe that ...
Commercials from the Real World
Having hard day? Your boss doesn't understand you? Your bank account overdrawn? Your bank manager doesn't understand you? We have just the escape for you. For a limited time only join us on a Homeless Weekend. No necessity to pack any fancy clothes, come as you are and experience a life with no commitments. And just to prove to you how serious we are we'll throw in 3 complementary meals at the Downtown Ki...
50 Things to do before you hit the bucket
Everyone hits the bucket sometime so why not have some fun on the way. Here are some suggestions. Find Big Foot Stand on Big Foots foot Run the Arctic marathon making sure you the enormous white bear behind you stays there. Spend a night at the Paris Hilton Spend a night with Paris Hilton Find Waldo then donate him the home for Lost Souls Go to the airport and take the first plane flying o...
The Taite Guide to Celebrity Trash Cans
Celebrity Trash Cans We sent the Tate Gallery roving reporter around the globe to delve into the trash cans of the rich and famous. Here is what he found. Madonna - Unread paperback copy of Sex in the City Sharon Stone - Bestselling novel How to become rich and famous without getting out of Bed Jennifer Aniston - Angelina Jolie voodoo doll with detached head. Jay Leno - Conan O' Brian voodoo doll w...
The Taite Guide to Prisons for the Rich and Famous
Some Inmates have all the luck! "Gentlemen, I am warden Walter W. Felon III and I would like to welcome you all to the Beverly Hills Confinement Facility for the Rich and Famous. We don't like to think of it as a prison, more a home away from home with bars. We hope that your stay with us will be a happy and fulfilling one and promise to make every effort to meet your demands. To help do this I h...
confessions in a bottle
1:The Beginning I was sitting innocently on the beach, minding my own business when a huge wave slung this bottle at me. Luckily it was a plastic coke bottle and not a discarded wine bottle, which could easily have broken my nose. From inside I extracted the following message. My name is unimportant, you can call me Marion, no wait make that Rhiannon. If I get my choice it may as well be something sexy. I li...
The Internet Academy: An On-Line Syllabus for the Geeks of Tomorrow
Taumatawhakatangihangakoauauotamateaturipukakapikimaungahoronukupokaiakitnatahu is a real place. It is the name of an existing hill in New Zealand, or so the Internet claims.This comes from the same people who tell me that goldfish have a memory span of three seconds (how anyone measured that I don't know), and giraffes can't sing. The Internet is the basis for all our knowledge now. We have no choice but to believe...
When NOT to Answer your Mobile Phone
Mobile phones have taken over our lives. They are cute, they are musical and they fit easily into the front pocket of your pants or that miniature leather handbag that you carry everywhere. Even so, sometimes it is downright stupid, impolite or dangerous to answer your ring-tone. In an attempt to promote world safety and invest some simple manners into you, here are my guidelines for when not to take that c...
Unknown Group rewrites Sgt Pepper and Conquers British Charts:...
The first single released from upcoming album Android Pfeffer's Boneless Hearts Club Band, entitled Lucy Sold Her Sky for Diamonds, has been topping the British charts for over six weeks now and is keeping Simon Cowell up late at night in an attempt to find a way to launch a counter attack and protect his interests. Taite Gallery reporters have managed to cut through the media fog surrounding the new group a...
50 Things to do before you hit the bucket
Everyone hits the bucket sometime so why not have some fun on the way. Here are some suggestions. Find Big Foot Stand on Big Foots foot Run the Arctic marathon making sure you the enormous white bear behind you stays there. Spend a night at the Paris Hilton Spend a night with Paris Hilton Find Waldo then donate him the home for Lost Souls Go to the airport and take the first plane flying o...
What the Queen said, and what she really meant
"Like all the best families, we have our share of eccentricities, of impetuous and wayward youngsters and of family disagreements." English interpretation: "My sister's a lush, my daughter in law bollimic, my son insists on making it out with a cow, my husband's so senile that he tries to put it in the vacuum cleaner and my favorite Corgi has eloped to America." --- "It's all to do with the training: you c...
10 Ways to get rid of an Annoying Co-Worker
Has the person sitting next to you at work yet to discover the word deodorant? Does your co-worker sing Abba songs aloud eight hours a day? Does your co-worker pick his nose, thinking no one is watching, our excavate his ears? Does your co-worker were micro mini-skirts even though she weighs over 90 kg and is almost 62? Does the guy sitting opposite you tap on his desk with an HB pencil, mistaking...
Minuet: the future Twitter worth at least $1 billion
I'm the sort of guy who has all these great ideas but am unable to do anything with them, which is the reason my apartment is not next to Bill Gates mansion (or Hugh Hefner's for that matter). Some clever kids came up with Facebook , Twitter and Youtube and now take their baths in French champagne on their private 767 jet. Well I have this great idea which I will reveal in a minute, and if someone out there d...
Aliens for Neighbours: How to spot Co-Workers from Another Planet
It all started with a nightmare brought on by an overdose of chocolate, beer and late night horror movies. The dream started off normally enough. Getting up, eating breakfast, commuting to work. Then I noticed something peculiar. Something about my co-workers didn't seem kosher. Was it the fact that the doorman's skin was a bright green, or that our secretary was finding it difficult to hide her middle leg. Only a ...

TV Shows That Never Made It

Every person I know has a great idea for a TV show. Or at least they think it’s great. The networks are inundated with formats for new sitcoms dramas and reality shows that are even worse the content they actually broadcast. Here are a few examples.

The Sing Sing Singalong - Wink wink say no more.

The Very Naked Chef - Jamie Oliver’s cousin Sunburnt Allover hosts an outdoor cooking show hosted by the Aberdare Naturist Club

Supermodel Cooking - each model receives a starting kitty of 200 calories and must prepare 3 meals.

Don’t get caught with your pants down - 10 contestants attempt to tackle daredevil stunts wearing pants donated by Kirstie Alley, Queen Litfah, Oprah and Roseanne Barr. Contestants who let t all fall out are disqualified. (Actually I rather like this one!)

I can’t understand you – a talk show where each guest speaks a different language with no interpreter. Sign language s encouraged and a WWE wrestling umpire makes sure there is no excess of violence.

Big Brothel - Ten young, attractive horny people spend two months in confinement attempting to improve their sex life – hold on this ones been done before.

Bad Brother - Big brother with a twist. The same 10 attractive horny people only one of them is a convicted serial killer. Each week the audience at home get to chose which contestant should be killed and how.

Big Brothers – Ten monks and Paris Hilton or confined in her New York penthouse. Let your imagination fill out the rest of the details.

The Godfather Kids. A group of Mafia off-springs cause havoc in a Harlem pre-school. A sitcom guaranteed to bomb.

Desert Standup. 10 American celebrities are parachuted into a distant African village inhabited by cannibals. Each week they must sing and tell jokes for their supper and the best singer attains his or her freedom. The last competitor remaining is declared as supper.

James Bondage - A kids educational show that teaches the young ones how to untie knots and keep away from establishments that have the word dungeon in their title.

© 2010 Steve Taite. All rights reserved.
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