Best humor blog for everyday life
Archive for September, 2010
11 Things you shouldn’t do at a wedding
1. Get blind drunk and hang your panties on the chandelier while performing your version of ”Yes I Cancan”
2. Have sex with the best man in the bathroom during the wedding ceremony. 3. Though you are the best man, have sex n the bathroom with the maid of honour and lose the wediing ring down the toilet in a moment of unexplained animal passion. 4. Have sex with the best man and the maid of honour in the bathroom while your bride to be is already walking down the isle with her father who always carries a gun. 5. Hire More >
The New Bizarro World: A Matter of Geography
In the Bizarro World of “Htrae” (Earth backwards), once so popular in Superman comics and yet to hit the big screen, everyday life s a bit backwards.
Here is my impression of the Bizarro world 2010.
The Bizarro Code
Sumo Girls
Big is beautiful and the ancient American sport of Sumo is a proud example.
McBuddha
Harmony and good nutritious food are the motto behind the Bizarro slow food chain.
The Jedi Prince
The Royal Bizarro Prince has been known for his antics but it is the Liz Queen who controls the force.
Michael Potter
In the Bizarro Potter world who would you expect to play the part of Harry?
Shreks More >
Things that didn’t happen: Columbian farmer grows chocolate bananas
A Columbian farmer named Sigifredo Jose Mannuel Miquel Giovanni Rodriguez, or Mike for short, has drawn the attention of both journalists and the authorities due to the unusual trees found growing in his orchard. Senor Rodriguez’s first came to the attention of the press when Bogotá journalist Potero Botero’s son Tom Brad Daymond Rodriguez (his mother is an American movie fan) came home with a bunch of unusually enticing bananas. It was only when his son refused to eat any fruit apart from said bananas that Potero’s suspicions were raised. Trying a banana for himself, he was more than surprised to find that its More >
The Eve of Destruction
First there was Noah out building an ark He took all the animals right out of the park. The gamekeeper thought otherwise Called the NYPD Who sent Noah for observation And threw away the key.
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He was followed by a Jesus A man with a mission. He promised them salvation But forgot his position. He has houses in every corner Yet he doesn’t have a home. Go find him in a street corner carton Where he sleeps each night alone.
—– All the Buddhas that I know Are still frozen in a smile. There are fat ones, there are thin ones But More >
Things That Never Happened: Paris Hilton gets the Oscar
Wearing a dress (if you can call it that) that was guaranteed to attract all the attention, Paris Hilton walked confidently down the red carpet last night accompanied by an unknown male companion rumoured to go by the name of Ozzie. This time, however, Paris was not there just to add colour to the event. Her leading role in the R rated remake of the classic movie,The Way of All Flesh, earned her a nomination for The Best Actress in a Leading Role category. In spite of fierce competition from the other nominees: Meryl Streep Kathy Bates Helen Mirren and Kate Winslet (who More >
50 Things to do before you hit the bucket
Everyone hits the bucket sometime so why not have some fun on the way. Here are some suggestions.
- Find Big Foot
- Stand on Big Foots foot
- Run the Arctic marathon making sure you the enormous white bear behind you stays there.
- Spend a night at the Paris Hilton
- Spend a night with Paris Hilton
- Find Waldo then donate him the home for Lost Souls
- Go to the airport and take the first plane flying out.
- Write a journal about your wonderful trip to the southern province of Al Muthanna
- Throw a party for 30 people who you have never met – courtesy of chatroulette
- Be the only male extra in More >
Things that never happened: The BuckingFest
Throughout the last decade the British Royalty have been seriously criticised in the press for their extravagant spending. In order to cut costs and return the faith of her subjects Queen Elizabeth II has announced that this winter, in accordance with the advice of her counsellor, Lord Ozzie Osborne, she will the holding the frst annual BuckingFest. The Buckingfest will incorporate many of the great features of the 200 year old German Octoberfesy and Osborne’s OssieFest but with crystal glasses and baroque music. The press release states that Prince Philip will serve behind the bar and Prince Charles will provide the entertainment More >
50 Things You Shouldn’t Try Doing
- Taking a shower while boiling a hard boiled egg.
- Wearing socks with holes in them while visiting a mosque.
- Eating sushi with a knife and fork in a Tokyo restaurant.
- Eating M&Ms with a knife and fork if you’re not appearing on a sitcom.
- Posting a nude photograph of your ex-boss on Facebook – people have gone missing presumed dead for less.
- Bungee jumping over the George Washington Bridge while 7 months pregnant.
- Bungee jumping over the George Washington Bridge while wearing disposable panties.
- If your name is Joe Doe, opening up Joe Doe’s Doughnut to Go Ho!
- Take of your top at Mardi Gras if you are over seventy. More >
Everyday People
I met a girl with a Japanese tattoo
And asked her to tell me what it said.
She gave me a look like I’d fallen from Mars
But I didn’t let it go to my head.
So I went to the park
For my mid-day meal
Where a guy asked if I could spare him some change.
He wore Steve Madden shades
And black Replay boots
So I guessed that he must be deranged.
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Such are the people who make up my life.
This is what God’s been creating.
A touch of Tabasco perhaps topped with whipped cream
Was it really worth all the waiting?.
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A touch before dawn
In a dress badly torn
Old Miss Eva More >
Yom Kippur Tweets of Atonement: the fast way to deal with a fast
Who needs a prayer book when you have Twitter?
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Dear GD, I have been bad but promise to be be good so thanks for forgiving me (retweeted from last year)
Dear GD of the Juice. I am not actually Jewish but your one day fast sure beats the Ramadan. Can we switch?
My friend told me it's OK to eat on Yom Kippur as long as it's done in the bathroom. What are your feelings about that?
If I pray next to Lady Gaga and accidentally eat part of her dress, does that mean I have broken the fast?
Whose idea was it to have More >
Guitar Heaven: Carlos Santana Covers Classic Rock
Carlos Santana and guests cover the greatest guitar classics of all time
Once upon a time there was a group who named themselves ELP after their surnames Emerson Lake and Palmer. At one time they considered on changing the groups name to HELP after another guitarist joined forces with them. The fourth member was to be Jim Hendrix and there were plans for a jam session at the Guildhall hall in Plymouth, on 23 August 1970. Unfortunately Hendrix died before the concert took place and we are left to conjecture what such a supergroup would have evolved.
Carlos Santana is truly one More >
Great Truths!
“I’m sick and tired of hearing things
From uptight-short sighted-narrow minded hypocrites
All I want is the truth
Just gimme some truth.”
- John Lennon
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In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to speak.
Nothing in this world is more expensive than having a girlfriend who is free on weekends.
To mothers everywhere: when you complain of an acute toothache sit’s not proof that you’ve been on the computer too long!
Food for thought – The truth about education: In the long run, the A students work for the B students. The C students run the businesses. And the D students More >
Massage or Medieval Torture: Let You be the Judge!
Don’t let the ads fool you. Massage, in many of its forms, is simply the modern adaptation of medieval torture. See for yourselves!
1. A fun woman named Olga with the strength of a wild boar bends back your leg until you cry uncle.
2. Your feet are subjected to a pool of blood sucking swimmers who have lately escaped from Survivor.
3. You are covered with burning hot stones from head to toe and supposed to feel them soothing your muscles.
4. Your hair is waxed of for ultimate comfort.
5. The height of relaxation. Someone walking up and down on your back
© 2010 More > 
Inception Deception: Make Memento with tons of money and here’s what you get
Christopher Nolan hit the big time in 2000 with the shattering Memento. The film dealt with memories and was a masterpiece. Since then Nolan has hit the big time. His budgets are enormous. Inception is about dreams or is basically a dream. It’s how Momento would probably look if it had a $1 billion budget and was produced as a sequel to Matrix III. He sure likes the idea of walking up walls. Luckily for us Momento had no such budget. The premise for Inception is an attempt at multi level dream inception. Has Nolan stopped on fresh frontiers here. More >
Google Searching Taite – Come in Please!
Google is a great toy. You never know what you will find next there. I was wondering why my post 100 Things to do when You’re Bored received so many hits from Goggle when I thought of checking the search keywords people used to get to my site (compliments of Google Analytics of course). Here are some the weirder ones. I swear they are all real.
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- Taumatawhakatangihangakoauauotamateaturipukakapikimaungahoronukupokaiakitna – O.K. this one was expected. I was writing about the education one gets from the internet and sort of hoped someone would search for this hill n New Zealand. This sort of strengthens the More >
Black Tie Beach: Who says you need a bikini?
People are generally conservative in their way of thinking and behavior. But who says that’s how things should be. Underwear days at work are becoming the fad so why not dress up when you go to the beach?
Here is a group of people who took the idea literally.
© 2010 Steve Taite. All rights reserved. If you enjoyed this post please leave a comment and pass on to your friends. If not feel free to pass on to your enemies. Don't want to miss a post? What are you waiting for, subscribe now or follow me on twitter.
The History of Dating
The Caveman Era – the first date
He: Uggh
She: Uggh yourself
He bangs her over head and drags her into the cave. Date over!
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Romeo and Juliet Romeo [To Juliet] If I profane with my unworthiest hand This holy shrine, the gentle fine is this: My lips, two blushing pilgrims, ready stand To smooth that rough touch with a tender kiss. JULIET [to her nurse] I swear, I don’t understand a word he says but isn’t he the cutest thing on two legs you’ve ever seen? I could do him in a minute. Really he’s to die for!
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The Hassidic First Date
Rabbi: (to the man) More >
Expressway to Heaven
Sometimes a Stairway isn’t quick enough!
There’s a lady who’s sure Every clam holds an oyster And she’s driving the expressway to heaven. While she’d powdered her nose And kept texting on Twitter how’d she miss on the semi from Devon?
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She was known to be bright An I.Q. of a million That went AWOL when she drove her Camaro. If she once looked at the road ‘Stead of the face in the mirror She’d have known that it was far, far too narrow.
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Why did she overtake?
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There’s a sign on the door But she wants to be sure ‘Cause you know sometimes words More >
TV Shows That Never Made It
Every person I know has a great idea for a TV show. Or at least they think it’s great. The networks are inundated with formats for new sitcoms dramas and reality shows that are even worse the content they actually broadcast. Here are a few examples.
The Sing Sing Singalong - Wink wink say no more.
The Very Naked Chef - Jamie Oliver’s cousin Sunburnt Allover hosts an outdoor cooking show hosted by the Aberdare Naturist Club
Supermodel Cooking - each model receives a starting kitty of 200 calories and must prepare 3 meals.
Don’t get caught with your pants down - 10 contestants attempt to tackle More >
Ten Worst Honeymoon Vacation Ideas: Where NOT to Spend Your Honeymoon
1. A trip to Disneyland with your four hormone tense, teenage daughters (from first marriage,) his five horny, teenage monsters (from first, second and third marriages) who have been educated solely on American Pie rerun, and a dog named Killer who nobody admits to owning.
2. Colombia – they may steal the bride (read more about their favourite pastime). I do hear, however, that they have reduced rates for pensioners so you might consider sending your mother-in-law.
3. At The Bellingshausen Research Station in Antartica – However romantic you might think the idea is, remember we’re talking about high temperatures of -15 degrees and that’s More >
