The Taite Guide to Religion

Disclaimer: My grandfather taught me that the best way to collect enemies is to make fun of their religious practices. So as I intend here to diss you all off  by taking the Mickey of every religion around I will carefully watch my behind from here on.

Ever since Moses gave the first stand-up performance on Mt. Sinai religion has given us plenty of light moments. To be fair I make fun of them all.

Catholics

Four Catholic ladies meat every Wednesday afternoon to play bridge. None of them are very good or particularly like the game, but each one is afraid not to attend in case the others gossip behind her back.

First Catholic lady:  My son Michael is a priest. Whenever he walks into a room, everyone calls him ‘Father’.
Second Catholic lady:  My son Peter  is a Bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, ‘Your Grace’.”
Third  Catholic lady:  My son Paul is a Cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people address him as , ‘Your Eminence’.
Fourth  Catholic lady smugly sips her cup of tea in silence  s her coffee in silence.

“Well?”  ask the other three together.
Fourth Catholic lady: ”My son Jessie is a gorgeous, 6’2″, hard bodied stripper. When he walks into a room, everyone cries out, ‘Oh my God…’.”

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Jews

The late prime minister of Israel, Menachem Begin, was the honorary guest of the Pope at the Vatican. While discussing politics with the Pope in his chambers, Begin noticed an antique phone standing on a side table.

“What is that phone for?” asks Begin.

“Oh that,” answers the Pope. “Sometimes I can’t find the answer to my problems so I make a call to a higher authority. It’s a direct line to the Lord.

Begin, rather sceptical, asks if he could make a short call.

“Will pleasure prime minister, but you should know in advance that it’s very expensive.”
“it’s not every day I get to speak to my maker” answers Begin and makes the call.
After hanging up the Begin says:  ”Thank you very much. But please allow me to pay for the call.” The Pope, after some hesitation, eventually agrees.
“All right Menachem, according to the gauge here the call cost 100,000 Lira” ($72). Begin happily pays the amount.
A year later, the Pope makes a historic visit to the Holy Land and is invted to a quiet dinner at the prime ministers home.. While munching on his  Gefilte Fish and a large portion of chopped liver, the Pope can’t help noticing that a phone similar to his is sittng on a small table by the door.
Begin notices the Pope’s interest n the phone. ” I see you are looking at my new phone. I had it installed last month. A direct line to the almighty”.
“Prime Minister Begin, maybe I could make use of your phone, I have an important matter I need to discuss with my Lord.”
Begin quickly agrees and the Pope makes the call that goes on for almost 30 minutes.

After finally hanging up, the Pope offers to pay for the cost of the call. After much  persuasion  Begin relents and checks  the phone counter.
“That will be 2 Israel Shekels   ($0.50)” says Begin.
The Pope looks surprised, ” don’t understand. My calls at home are so expensive, how is t that here it’s so cheap?”
“Ah that’s simple” answers Begin, “Here t’s a local call”.

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Muslems

Mahmud lived the life of a pauper, even though his family was very well off. He lived in a small apartment on the fourth floor of a building situated on the outskirts of town with non  lacked  air-conditioner or an elevator.

One day, while walking home from work, he felt sharp pains in his chest and was taken to the hospital where he was diagnosed with an acute heart attack and an emergency operation was scheduled.. While on the operating table Mohammed appeared to Mahmud. Mahmud asked his Lord if this meant he was about to die.
“No Mahmud, my faithful servant, according to my calculations you have a good 30 to 40 years left to live.

After a few days, Mahmud was released from the hospital and informed that he should return in a month for a check-up.

After having gone through such a traumatic experience, Mahmud decided it was time to make a few change to his lifestyle. Abandoning his apartment, he immediately purchased a penthouse in the centre of town. Passing by a car showroom he bought 3 BMW convertibles in different colors and had several designer suits tailored especially for him.  To make his transformation complete,  he shaved off his beard and fashionably trimmed his moustache..
Driving  his  red BMW to the hospital a month later, his car collides with an out of control bus that skips a  red light .
The next thing he knows, he is dead and his soul is in heaven facing his Lord Mohammed.
“I thought you said I had another 30-40 years?”  He asks angrily.
“Oh it’s you, Mahmud,” relies Mohammed, ” I’m  sorry, I didn’t recognize you.”

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Buddhists

Buddhist philosophy

You don’t have to worry.
You are either healthy or sick,
If you are healthy, you have nothing to worry about.
If you are sick, you are either going to get better or you die.
If you get better, you have nothing to worry about.
If you die, you will either go to heaven or to hell.
If you go to heaven, you have nothing to worry about.
If you go to hell you will be so busy saying hi to all your friends to have time to worry.

A Buddhist phones the monastery and asks the monk “Can you come to do a blessing for my new house?”
The monk replys “Sorry, I’m busy.”
“What are you doing? Can I help?”
“I’m doing nothing”, replied the monk, “Doing nothing is monk’s core business and you can’t help me with that.”
So the next day the Buddhist phones again, “Can you come to my house for a blessing?”
“Sorry,” said the monk, “I’m busy.”
“What are you doing?”
“I’m doing nothing,” replied the monk.
“But that was what you were doing yesterday!”, said the Buddhist”
“Correct”, replied the monk, “I’m not finished yet”!

© 2010 Steve Taite. All rights reserved.
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