The Taite Guide to Hotels in Paris

On our honeymoon, my wife and I spent several nights in a small Parisian hotel on the Left Bank. The room was small, the bed springs dated back to Napoleon and the view of the sewage was really romantic. What was really interesting, however, was the breakfast. At the time, the French drank coffee out of cereal bowls. If you weren’t fully awake ater two cups then it was straight off to the morgue with you. On the first morning we were served an entire baguette with fresh butter cheese and jam and couldn’t believe our luck. That was the first day. The second day’s baguette seemed smaller and by the third morning it had shrunk to half its original size. On the fourth morning they had ran out of jam and the cheese needed a microscope to be found on the plate. Needless to say we left after the fifth night scared that we would have to provide  them breakfast by  the end of the week. Many years have passed since that first visit and we have visited this wonderful city several times. Our budget has grown (we no longer take backpacks with us or need to hitch-hike a ride  from the airport) but that doesn’t seem to have any affect. The hotel rooms seem to be getting smaller and smaller. For those of you who are new to the subject, here is my survival guide to Parisian hotels.

1. When travelling to Paris it is wise to travel light. Even though French hotels have elevators, you often have to climb two floors to reach them, and the staircases can prove pretty tricky.

2. In most civilised European countries a bell-boy is someone you take for granted. In France he can be your saviour, literally. Once you get your suitcase into the room you might find it impossible to get out of the door. This is where the bell-boy comes in handy. In several of the better hotels the bell-boys are also trained fireman and will happily help you exit the room via the window. If in doubt check tripadvisor.com for fireman services.

3. If you have a bath in your room it would be a good idea to store your suitcase in it.  When you find it necessary to wash you can always use the basin which has much better water pressure.

4. French hotels come in five categories.

* There is no elevator, no airconditioning, no room service and no running water,except on Thursdays. The stairs were designed by the guy who built the Eiffel Tower and the cute aroma of cheese has been around since D-Day.

** Very similar to the 1 star hotels only the got rid of the cheese when de Gaul retired.

*** Three stars means you are paying approximately €150 and are entitled to sheets and hot water on Thurdays.  The hotel boasts an elevator that can transport who people at the same time (if one sits on top of the other) and it actually worked for a fortnight in 2007. Oh and they have a hairconditioner too. No that’s not a typo.

**** A four star hotel in Paris means one of two things, either it’s not really in Paris at all, or it’s situated in Pigalle and they charge extra for Marie.

***** Ah finally a real comfortable hotel, with an American breakfast, running water, air-conditioning that actually works and a real elevator. Oh you can’t afford €1,700 a night. Then why are you wasting my time?

© 2010 Steve Taite. All rights reserved.
If you  enjoyed this post please leave a comment and pass on to your friends. If  not feel free to pass on to your enemies.
Don't want to miss a post? What are you waiting for, subscribe now or follow me on twitter.