Last Will and Testament
I Martin William Luthor Goodfellow, a resident of Bel Air, being of sound and disposing mind and memory, hereby bequeath the following:
To my beautiful blonde secretary Marilyn, who found the time to sit by my sick bed while my family were off celebrating Independence Day, I bequeath $500,000 in cash.
To My son Andrew, who, for reasons known only to himself, goes by the nickname The Blade, adorns over a dozen earrings, some in places too embarrassing for me to mention here, and has a tattoo on his back that is subtitled the rape of Mary. Who always dreamed of owning half of my collection of Italian sport cars. Andy I happily bequeath half of my cars to you. I have arranged with my garage to have each car cut in two to accommodate your request.
To my second son, Frank, who has been anything but frank with me over the years, who has secretly been living at my expense in a $7,000 a month apartment with his black lover Emmanuel Cohen (the gay black Jewish thing I can deal with but an Italian?). Franky I bequeath you my collection of Playboy and Penthouse magazines and my subscription to Sports Illustrated.
To my only daughter (praise the Lord!) Mary, who was kind enough to wait till her fourteenth birthday for her first abortion, who ran away with the crappy rock singer hired to play at her prom, who hasn’t honored me with her presence even once since I was taken ill but was cute enough to send me weekly love letters requesting money for her travel expenses in Peru. To Mary I bequeath the pool cleaner, the gardener and your mother’s fitness trainer. I’m sure you can make better use of them than she did.
To Henrietta, the best wife a man can have, and so many have already, on my bed, on the kitchen table and on the Persian carpet your mother gave us as a wedding present. Hen, my dear, you always said money meant nothing to you, so that’s how much I bequeath you.
Finally Charlie, my younger brother who has never done a proper days work in his life. Who borrowed my cars, ate my food, sank my yacht and seduced both my wife and my daughter whenever he thought I wasn’t around. Charlie, who always said I would never remember him in my will.
© 2010 Steve Taite. All rights reserved. If you enjoyed this post please leave a comment and pass on to your friends. If not feel free to pass on to your enemies. Don't want to miss a post? What are you waiting for, subscribe now or follow me on twitter.
No comments yet.
No trackbacks yet.
about 2 years ago - 1 comment