Best humor blog for everyday life
Archive for August, 2010
The Taite Guide to Religion
Disclaimer: My grandfather taught me that the best way to collect enemies is to make fun of their religious practices. So as I intend here to diss you all off by taking the Mickey of every religion around I will carefully watch my behind from here on.
Ever since Moses gave the first stand-up performance on Mt. Sinai religion has given us plenty of light moments. To be fair I make fun of them all.
Catholics
Four Catholic ladies meat every Wednesday afternoon to play bridge. None of them are very good or particularly like the game, but each one is afraid not to attend in case More >
15 Reasons Why Pets are Better than Children
1. You don’t have to get pregnant and give birth.
2. You can leave them alone for hours without anyone calling child protection.
3. If they get pregnant you can sell their offspring.
4. They never complain about your cooking.
5. They don’t know how to drive your car.
6. You don’t have to fork out thousands of dollars for a college education which they won’t use anyway.
7. You won’t send you off to a retirement home.
8. They’ve never read of rap or trance music.
9. They don’t chew gum and then leave it on your new white sofa.
10. You won’t get complaints from the neighbours on how More >
Leonard Cohen: Songs From The Road – can there be too much of a good thing
In an earlier post, Hey That’s Some Way to Say Goodbye , I wrote:
Leonard Cohen Live in London boasts 26 tracks and I truly wish there were more. Gone is the rebel poet of the early sixties. The Cohen of today is warmer, more forgiving and it shines in his voice. Though 73 when the album was recorded, in my mind this is truly his greatest work.
So someone obviously read my post and stopped counting the dollars for a moment. The result is Cohen’s new album Songs for the Road. Songs is basically twelve takes from different venues during the tour and More >
Rich Man Poor Man – Is being rich all that it’s cut out to be?
Rich is not all it’s cut out to be. Being rich can be really hard. You don’t believe me? Well here are a few examples.
Mornings
Poor: Doesn’t need to get up till twelve. It’s not as if he has a job to go to.
Working Class: Gets up, kisses his wife, takes the broken-down station wagon to the station and reads Newsday while commuting to work.
Rich: Every morning starts with decisions. Gets up, kisses the young starlet he picked up last night whose name escapes him, then has to decide which car to take to the office. The forecast promises sunshine, which More >
The History of Negotiation: The Dowry
With apologies to Fred Astaire & Ginger Rogers
The DowryYou offer 12 camels
But I don’t need a zoo.
You offer 3 goats
But I want a mink too.
Well who needs a dowry
If I get pregnant hourly
So lets call the whole thing off.
——————
You want a Fatima
But I’m more a Madonna
You like Jay Leno
But I’m a fan of O’Connor
Its harems you’re thinking
But I aint into swinging
We best call the whole thing off.
——————
I say New York
But you say New Delhi.
I’m putting on weight
cause you feed me on jelly.
But when you show me your house
I completely forget all about
Calling the whole thing off.
© 2010 Steve Taite. More > 
Movie Sequels We Don’t Want to See
Titanic – The Journey to Mars. A spaceship named the Titan is launched from Cape Kennedy. Somewhere along the way it collides with a milky way spaceberg and starts to sink nto a big black hole. Only Captain Leo and the haunting music of an unknown Canadian castaway can save the day (and the nights too). Movie to be produced, directed and financed by the Celane Dion Foundation for the Advancement of Kitch.
Mama Mia meets Godzilla. Can a poor misunderstood dinosaur with bad breath and a fiery temper enchant Meryl Streep and persuade her to carry its sperm?
The Lone Ranger rides Tonto – More >
The non scheduled landing
My friend Pete was flying home from a long conference. The weather was hysterical, heavy storms and an oncoming tornado threat. Even so, it came as quite a surprise when the flight captain suddenly announced that due to severe weather conditions the plane would have to make a non scheduled landing at Witchwotwhere Airport, 5 miles North of Pitts City. After landing, Pete was informed that there would be no planes out of there that night and that he should try and find a room at a local hotel.
Pitts City has only one hotel and when Pete reached the front More >
Glee the Movie – the Trip to Paris
You’ve seen the Tv shows, listened to the CD’s, and already have tickets to the coast to coast concert and the Broadway musical. Ah but what about the movie.
Will -the shoe – Shuester, still not sure about his feelings for Emma -mama what big eyes you’ve got – Pillsbury, takes up Sue Silvester’s offer of taking the complete glee troupe for a trip to Paris where he is seduced by Sue’s half sister Tweety, played by Scarlett Johansson, who sells baguette flavoured ice-cream on the top of the Eiffel towel. Meanwhile Sue, with the help of old army buddy Stuey and Hewey More >
A Happy Young Man
A happy young man
Smiles at everyone he can
As he walks on the beach by the sea.
He doesn’t care for global warming
Just ’bout the waves that keep reforming
Two miles south of the island of Capri.
He never once complains
When suddenly it rains.
He takes the weather coolly in his stride.
It s only when they come
He knows it’s over with the fun
And he ponders if there’s somewhere he can hide.
——————————--
Three men dressed in white
Quite unaccustomed to the light
Sprint in his direction from their van.
They all hate the jobs they hold
And much prefer the cold
From the beach they keep a wide berth if they can.
They’ve all forgotten how More >
Junk Art
I know a man who doesn’t pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He gift wraps it, and puts in into an unlocked car. - Henny Youngman
Here are some great examples of trash art
The Great Trashotaurus
The good the bad and the garbage
The Trash Hatter
Time is Garbage!
Take the Last Train to Trashville
Bison Shmison
Horse Trash
Trashosaurus and Lunch
© 2010 Steve Taite. All rights reserved. If you enjoyed this post please leave a comment and pass on to your friends. If not feel free to pass on to your enemies. Don't want to miss a post? What are you waiting More >
A Penny for their Thoughts
Ever wondered what was going on in the minds of your favourite celeb or model while they are being photographed?
It only takes a penny for the answer.
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© 2010 Steve Taite. All rights reserved. If you enjoyed this post please leave a comment and pass on to your friends. If not feel free to pass on to your enemies. Don't want to miss a post? What are you waiting for, subscribe now or follow me on twitter.
7 Things to Do in the Airport when your Plane is Delayed
1. Sue God! Well it’s worth a try.
2. Read the airport magazine from cover to cover and discover yet another exotic getaway for less than $5,000 a night.
3. Splurge on one overpriced tuna and lettuce sandwich that is only slightly less expensive than that gourmet meal you wanted to take your wife to at the Hilton. Don’t attempt to try the coffee however, it is common knowledge that it’s fatal.
4. If you are in good shape, participate in the duty free marathon.
5. Attempt to snooze while your five year old twins use your limp body as a climbing frame.
6. Call your spouse More >
Nature can sometimes teach Disney a thing or Two
No this is not yet another Disney creation! This is a real duck as captured by National Geographic photographer Tilly_Meijer. Actually after taking a closer peak – I have relatives who look like that!
© 2010 Steve Taite. All rights reserved. If you enjoyed this post please leave a comment and pass on to your friends. If not feel free to pass on to your enemies. Don't want to miss a post? What are you waiting for, subscribe now or follow me on twitter.
Last Will and Testament
I Martin William Luthor Goodfellow, a resident of Bel Air, being of sound and disposing mind and memory, hereby bequeath the following:
To my beautiful blonde secretary Marilyn, who found the time to sit by my sick bed while my family were off celebrating Independence Day, I bequeath $500,000 in cash.
To My son Andrew, who, for reasons known only to himself, goes by the nickname The Blade, adorns over a dozen earrings, some in places too embarrassing for me to mention here, and has a tattoo on his back that is subtitled the rape of Mary. Who always dreamed of owning More >
Dalton Ghetti: Art on pencil tips – Go Figure!
It takes all types of people to make a world and why should the art world be different. In the category for the what the hell was he thinking of when he started doing this comes Dalton Ghetti whose gift to the world is miniature masterpieces carved on the tips of pencils.
© 2010 Steve Taite. All rights reserved. If you enjoyed this post please leave a comment and pass on to your friends. If not feel free to pass on to your enemies. Don't want to miss a post? What are you waiting for, subscribe now or follow me on twitter.More >
Soundtrack of My Life
Two recent albums made me reassess my relationship with music. As a part-time musician and composer (mostly lyrics), I used to believe that I made music, but after the reassessment I began to realise that music made me. Both albums were rerecordings of pop classics, Love by the Beatles made me look at the songs that I’ve known by heart for decades in a new light, Live in London by Leonard Cohen showed me that old singers can improve on their glorious past by returning a new, fresh, adult rendition of their songs. Music has been a part of my life ever More >
Garbage Man
It’s something I do every day.
Sometimes I feel
That the smell is unreal
But I really have to do it anyway.
–
It’s something that’s stated in your marriage licence
I bet you didn’t read the small print.
The man gets to take out the garbage each night
While the women may go shopping till he’s skint.
–
I love taking out the garbage
It means I get two minutes to myself.
Just me and the cats and a couple of rats
It’s really quite good for my health.
–
There’s not much more to say about the garbage
It’s a sport that involves mostly men.
If you perfect your aim
You More >
Quitting Your Job Online
I don’t usually plug other sites, trying to keep tor original stuff on my blog, but when I linked to this post from Brazen Careerist I knew I had to share this with you. The post shows how a girl quits her job by using a dry erase board and her office email. She send the complete package of 33 photos to the entire office staff. I’m sure she will find a new job real fast with all the buzz she’s getting by now. Here are a few pictures from the mail but for the complete and really great story check More >
Body Building for the Lazy
1. Garbage lifting. Take one full garbage bag in each hand and lift several times on your way to the dumpster.
2. Buy an alarm clock with a large snooze button. Press on it ten consecutive times before actually stopping the alarm and getting up. For the more ambitious among you may purchase the runaway alarm clock at your own risk.
3. Lifting small child over head routine. Take a small child and lift him above your head, then place him back on the ground. Until you get the hang of this exercise, it is suggested that you don’t practice on your own More >
Dan Brown’s The Lost Symbol: Not every picture can be a Da Vinci!
I was stuck in the airport duty free with an hour to kill on my way to Paris and realised I desperately needed a summer book for my vacation. What could be more fitting than the latest novel by Da Vinci mater teller Dan Brown. To my surprise, right before me was a stack of paperback editions of The Lost Symbol. It was truly a sign. I had previously read all of Brown’s earlier novels so I was quite ready for a history rip apart. I mean this is Dan Brown, the book may not be as good as The More >
