It all started with a nightmare brought on by an overdose of chocolate, beer and late night horror movies. The dream started off normally enough. Getting up, eating breakfast, commuting to work. Then I noticed something peculiar. Something about my co-workers didn’t seem kosher. Was it the fact that the doorman’s skin was a bright  green, or that our secretary was finding it difficult to hide her middle leg. Only a dream you say, but then when the real me made it to work the following morning, it was a different matter entirely.

Ever since the U.S. Government released the public service feature  ”Men in Black”, aliens have taken to making their appearance less obvious. Nevertheless with a bit of effort on your part, and my authorized guide, you should be able to distinguish many of the creatures from outer-space working beside you. One word of warning. Keep your revelations to yourselves for the present. The aliens have infiltrated government offices at all levels. You don’t want to be suddenly transferred to the Tom Cruise Home for the Unstable like I was, do you?

The Taite Guide to Alien Camouflage

What follows is  a list of popular disguises adopted by aliens. Approach with caution!

1. The groovy  Upper management department head with fat legs, micro lemon mini skirt and an ironed on smile that never disappears whatever the crises. This applies even if the manager is a woman.

2. The Yuppie VP who takes her  so seriously that she is in tears at the very drop of a hat. She even cries when she gets a promotion.

3. The bald cleaning guy who only speaks Russian ( in an Irish dialect!)  who always arrives with the mysterious black cleaning trolley to vacuum your cubicle when you are in the middle of a conference call with Japan.

4. The CTO who never, ever shows any human feelings and who’s language is entirely made up of sentences he has downloaded from Wisdomquote.com.

5. The Handsome database techie who looks like he’s fallen of the cover of Vogue. Come on, you know no-one human should look that good and have a brain.

6. The blond secretary who is incapable of making a descent cup of coffee or scheduling a meeting with more than three people attending but is the world’s number one expert on nail polish.

7. The Marilyn Monroe look alike who has an I.Q. that would make Einstein blush – like a human could really be that perfect and not be married to a French president.

8. The fortyish female team leader who works till 9 every night., then returns home to her loving husband, seven kids, three dogs, two cats and a parakeet named Marty, and arrives back to work every morning as f she’s just returned from a Caribbean cruise.

9. The guy who occupies the cubicle opposite yours but is never there. You know he exists because your boss  introduced hum at last year’s  Christmas party

10. The guy from systems who refuses to use the urinal in the men’s room always opting for a cubicle.  Even stranger is the fact that there is always a free cubicle when he  needs one whereas you often have to hold it in for hours

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