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The Taite Guide to the Magic Kingdom

We arrived in Orlando, picked up our bright lemon hire-car, which suspiciously didn’t look like a mouse, and headed for our Disney vacation hotel. The lady hiding in the GPS steered us via Disney Vacation Blvd, Backstage Lane, Animal Kingdom Archway, Toy Story Thruway, Donald Drive, through Cinderella Crossroad and made us circle Disney Downtown twelve times for good measure. The room was like any other hotel room I had stayed at, that had been invaded by toons. It had a Mickey key, Mickey soap, Mickey shaped towels, Mickey duvet. They sure know how to take the Mickey out of you. While we unpacked I put on the TV which boasted 74 channels and surprisingly only 62 of them were Disney related. I especially liked the Disney Guide to the Disney Channel. The TV even had a state of the art 4D feature that tracks body heat and as you run to the bathroom, during a Simpsons commercial break on Fox, it automatically switches back to the Disney Channel.

Once unpacked we’re off to the Magic Kingdom. two adults pretending never to have left pre-school. For those of you who have never visited DisneyWorld, if such earthly creatures actually exist, here are a couple of things you should take into account..
Gift Shops

For every ride at Disney World there are 22 giftshops. Trust me, in an attempt to provide the most accurate guide around we counted them.
Each and every gift shop stocks at least 493 Mickey Mouse gift possibilities, and that doesn’t include Mickey Mouse bubble gum, icecream, suntan lotion, popcorn, chocolate and mouse catcher – OUCH!.
Though you might have read otherwise, you are not allowed to leave any of the four World’s without first buying at least one Mickey Mouse souvenir. There are security guards at the exit with guns. Be warned.
At the more popular rides you may find that the gift shops themselves are treated as attractions. and have there own gift-shops. This is not to be confused with sponsored rides as found in Epcot where the ride is actually a gift shop followed by a gift shop situated at the exit of the ride that has an annexed gift shop at the side of the giftshop’s giftshop.

FOOD

The people behind the comedy of Monster’s Inc. are also responsible for all the food served in DisneyWorld. No this is not a joke.
Please, don’t get me going on the coffee.
The food at DisneyWorld is priced in fun money. They have a gas extracting it from your pockets.
Again, don’t get me going on the coffee.

THE RIDES: The Good, the Not so Good, the Suicidal and the Downright Ridiculous.

So after managing to bypass a couple of dozen gift-shops undamaged, having taken our pictures with chipmunks, bears,ducks,mice,mermaids, teapots and toy robots, and dispensed of the remains of two overlarge cups of bad coffee (please don’t get me going on the coffee) it’s off to the rides. Here are our unbiased (well only slightly biased) Magic Kingdom reviews.

The Good

Mickey’s PhilharMagic. The latest 4D Disney creation. Donald Duck manages to lose Mickey’s Sorceror’s Hat and spends the rest of the 12 minute movie looking for it in scenes from legendary Disney features, notably under the sea with the Little Mermaid on a 150 foot screen. As always at Disney the front rows gets sprayed with water but with all the humidity who cares. And you get to buy gifts

It’s a Small World so cute you could p… sorry that’s not very polite of me. Actually you have to love this classic ride da da da da da da da da da da .

Monster’s Inc. Laugh Floor one of several examples of digital puppetry now featuring throughout DisneyWorld – live actors behind the screens control, or fail to control cartoon characters and make fun of one particular member of the audience who is about to fall asleep.

The Not So Good

Liberty Belle Riverboat Like you’ve got nothing better to do with your time.

Buzz Lighyear’s Space Ranger Spin. Fine if you have the extra time. If not the Toy Story Mania at Disney Studios is far superior.

Pirates of the Caribbean Even the addition of Joni Depp to the cast of this lame ride doesn’t really make you shudder.

The Suicidal

Splash Mountain This favourite ride should not to be taken on a full stomach, (especially one filled at Disneyworld eatery – come on they can’t be called restaurants) Don’t be fooled by the Brer Rabbit story this is a genuine plunger. Not only does it help you get rid of all the junk food devoured that day at the park but you also get a free shower in the bargain. How’s that for economy?

The Ridiculous

Swiss Family Treehouse. A great idea! After running around four hours in the scourching heat with 200% humidilty you climb up all these stairs then when you get to the top- right you climb down more steps. What could be more fun?

The Many Adventures of Winnie the Pooh This ride is the perfect example of why you shouldn’t believe what you read in the guide books and web sites (apart from mine of course). Several gave this ride a five stars and “great fun for adults too”. If I can only get my hands on the guy who wrote that. We stood in line for forty five minutes among screaming infants in strollers waiting for this ride. Then when it was finally our turn we were treated to three whole minutes of pictures and dolls from the wonderful world of Pooh. Pooh is definitely the world. What a disgrace. If you live within ten blocks of the guys that gave Pooh five stars please be warned that I am on my way and it won’t be pretty.