We arrived at the airport three hours before departure time. My wife wasn’t very happy about that fact but our previous holiday was all but ruined by the fact that the plane took off without us. This was the only time I can remember when my flight actually left when they said it would. We were late due to a traffic jam resulting from the collision between a truck full of boxes of adult Pampers and a semi-trailer transporting live turkeys (soon to be dead anyway). The fact that Friendly Airlines decided to make history by leaving on time was not a coincidence, as you might be led to think, they had inside information regarding airport bound traffic and used the occasion to perk a couple of their clerks and a buxom blond going my the name of Mabel, who were on standby.

So we rushed through check-in and passport control and joined the line to be visibly undressed by a machine that is currently for sale on www.pervpurchases.com. Having successfully replaced my belt, and picked up my pants that proved unable to defy gravity,  we moved on to the five mile marathon to Duty Free Heaven. In contrast with previous years, the wife and I had been training for over three months at the local gym and had come properly equipped with professional running shoes. As we sprinted past the brunette in the mauve and turquoise minidress, who was desperately attempting to fix the heal of her Prada, I have to admit that I felt really triumphant.

Before continuing to the Duty Free Shops, we stopped at the coffee shop for two coffees and a Danish that put me back $32. For once I refrained from complaining about the outrageous prices. On our last trip, the cashier was kind enough to explain that the steep prices were due to the fact that the floors are paved with 18K gold which cost a fortune to keep clean.

Over the years I have learned a lot about airports. For instance, the law that requires the Duty Free Stores to sell wholesale. Once you are aware of this fact, it is easier to understand why you have to buy at least six chocolate bars or four perfume bottles to be eligible for the special Duty Free discount. In many European airports, you can also buy smoked fish and ham or Swiss cheese, which are sure to endure you to the lucky person seated next to you for fourteen hours on the Cross-Atlantic flight. While my wife mingled with the $300 an ounce perfumes, armed with my credit card, I ventured off to the book store in search of a good holiday book to read on the plane. Ignoring 9-11 the Complete Story and Back to the Titanic I eventually settled on Skyjacked – Oh what the hell?!!

Heading back to the perfume section I found my spouse had finished her shopping and even managed to purchase a medium sized leather suitcase to put all the stuff in.

The journey from the Duty Free Area to the gate was uneventful and took us less than twenty minutes, which might be a record considering the fact that the one of leather suitcase’s wheels broke off just as we passed the second set of toilets, and we had no time to go back and replace it. We even found time to buy a chocolate fairy and a lavender candle shaped like an aging teddy bear in the Last Minute Duty Free Store, adjacent to our gate, before boarding. After all this activity we were bound to sleep through the entire flight. Ah but that’s another story.

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