The Taite Guide to Prisons for the Rich and Famous
Some Inmates have all the luck!
“Gentlemen, I am warden Walter W. Felon III and I would like to welcome you all to the Beverly Hills Confinement Facility for the Rich and Famous. We don’t like to think of it as a prison, more a home away from home with bars. We hope that your stay with us will be a happy and fulfilling one and promise to make every effort to meet your demands. To help do this I have recently installed a suggestion box which you will find immediately adjacent to the W.W.F. charity box. So as to avoid embarrasment I would like to make it clear that, due to bureaucratic issues that I don’t want to bore you with, we are unable to process donations for less than $10,000. We do however accept cheques and support offshore transferals. To make your life easier I have personally opened an account in my name in the Cayman Islands to which you can transfer funds to your heart’s desire.
Although we don’t consider this a prison, there are a few rules and regulations that we request you abide to:
1) All (inmates ) guests are requested to vacate their (cells) rooms before 10.A.M. each morning so that we can clean them.
2) Breakfast is buffet style, but if you prefer breakfast in bed we provide room service till 9:30.
3) Because of the growing number of guests (I finally got that right), we have installed a hi-tech reservation system, located next to the spa, to deal with your requests. The reservation service also enables you to make table reservations , up to six months in advance, for our seven gourmet restaurants.
4) Personal in room cooking is only available in the suites situated in the East Wing. If you desire to have your personal chef cook for you, please O.K. him at the hospitality desk.
5) Though we aim to please, we are not always able to comply, so please no more requests for firearms outside of hunting season.
Oh and one more thing. Please refrain from ordering take away service from whoreonthefloor.com.The ladies employed there have in the past proven to be untrustworthy and it has become necessary for us to cut off relations with that establishment.”