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Mothers-in-Law Behind every successful man stands a surprised mother-in-law I could tell what day it was going to be. It was all written in the sky. I woke up without a headache, the sun was shining. I could detect the chirping of robins from the nearby tree. Then the doorbell rang and the storm began. My mother in law is allergic to dishwashers. Well not really allergic she just doesn't believe that ...
100 Things to do when you're Bored
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The Taite Guide to Apple
Now that Steve Jobs has displayed the Ipad to the world, it remains to be seen which new devices he will conquer the world with in the years to come. Here, from our personal inside mole at a top secret Apple research lab, is a guide to a few of the new products Apple is secretly working on. 1. The Ipotty. Press for number one or number two as applicable 2. The Imobile. Tomorrows breakthrough in mobile...
The Blonde Guide to Flying
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11 Things you shouldn't do at a wedding
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What the Queen said, and what she really meant
"Like all the best families, we have our share of eccentricities, of impetuous and wayward youngsters and of family disagreements." English interpretation: "My sister's a lush, my daughter in law bollimic, my son insists on making it out with a cow, my husband's so senile that he tries to put it in the vacuum cleaner and my favorite Corgi has eloped to America." --- "It's all to do with the training: you c...
50 Things You Shouldn't Try Doing
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The Taite Guide to Apple
Now that Steve Jobs has displayed the Ipad to the world, it remains to be seen which new devices he will conquer the world with in the years to come. Here, from our personal inside mole at a top secret Apple research lab, is a guide to a few of the new products Apple is secretly working on. 1. The Ipotty. Press for number one or number two as applicable 2. The Imobile. Tomorrows breakthrough in mobile...
The God Twitter: Memorable Tweets from the Almighty
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When NOT to Answer your Mobile Phone
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40 more things to do when you're bored
O.K. so I know when I've got a good thing going. You loved my earlier blog 100 things to when you're bored. Here are 40 more ideas 1. Paint your monitor black. 2. Paint your monitor screen black. 3. Try to get the paint of your screen before your boss sees it and fires you. 4. Write a musical about four legged animals who sing songs based on a long dead poet. - Oh that one's been done. Sorry, there are...
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100 Things to do when you're Bored
1. Write a list of things to do when you are bored. 2. Count the number of peope who die in Avatar (see The BodyCounters ) 3. Write down ten positive things about your mother-in-law 4. Play solitaire on your computer, blindfolded. 5. Drive your car to work blindfolded (only for the really reckless) 6. Sing all the songs on all the Beatle albums in descending chronological order. 7. Sit in the park with a...

The Bel Air Kindergarten of the Arts: “A Chorus Line”

The Bel Air Kindergarten of the Arts is run by a Ms. Fanny Hardbottom. Fanny, majored in the performing arts and even starred for a short time in a one woman show playing Off Broadway . Actually that story isn’t entirely accurate. Ms. Hardbottom performed a one man show on the corner of Broadway and 42nd Street for almost twenty minutes before a cop threatened to bring her in for loitering. Anyway, since then she has been managing this extraordinary kindergarten for gifted children whose parents are able to afford the $5000 a month fee and provide ample references (legal documents ascertaining the kids relation to at least two former mega stars or a Xerox of a recent bank account overflowing with zeros.

Before final acceptance of a candidate for the kindergarten the child and his/her parents must first pass the audition phase which each year is based on a musical. This year the B.A.K. did Chorus Line.

Stand, kick, smile, leap, sing, flip checkbook…Again!
Stand, kick, smile, leap, sing, flip checkbook…Again!

And…
Turn, bend, take a pen , not enough, try again
Turn, bend, take a pen, not enough, try again

From the top. A-Five, six, seven, eight!

[Parent1]
God, I hope we get in.
I hope we get in.
I’ve had to mortgage my new yacht?

[Parent2]
God, I hope we get in.

[Parent3]
I hope we get in
How many boys, how many girls?
[ALL]
Look at all the jewelry!
I’m not so sure we…
Have got the pedigree or seed?
It’s mighty costly?
How many toddlers does she…?

[Henry Corey Jackson III (aged 3 ]
I really need to go.
I’m diaperless, you know.
I can’t hold on. OH NO!.

[Group of Kids]
God, I really blew it!
I really blew it!
How could I do a thing like that?

[GIRLS]
How could you do a thing like…

[ALL]
Now I’ll never make it!
I’ll never make it!
I made a puddle on the floor.
My Mum is running for the door
Does this mean I won’t come here for…

[Henry Corey Jackson III (aged 3]
GOD, I think I’ve got in.
I think I’ve got in.
I knew she liked me none the less.
Dad’s giving her more money.

[Parent3]
In years we’ll think of this as funny.

[Kids]
We’ve come this far, but tell me why
My parents continue to lie
About the fact that I am dry.

[Henry Corey Jackson III (aged 3]
I need to go again.

[A FEW VOICES]
We hope she won’t complain

[ALL]
Oh here we go again.