Ghost Dog

Ghost Dog

I was fast asleep, dreaming about what I would do with all the money I had won on the lottery, when I felt an acute pain in my chest and a wet tongue licking my cheek.

“Darling, am I snoring again?”

The bowing in my left ear quickly made me realize it was Mini, my wonder Pekinese dog.

“Mini, it’s three A.M. There is no way I am taking you out for a walk at this bewitching hour.”

“Maybe he saw an intruder,” offered by better half, “Aren’t that what dogs are supposed to do? Warn us of intruders,”

“Right dear. We are talking about Mini. She’d more likely lick the intruder’s leg and show him where the jewelry is hidden.”

“We don’t have any jewelry.”

“Just a figure of speech my sweet.”

“Look, Steve will you just go downstairs and make sure everything is O.K?”

Now this might sound to the inexperienced like a request, but to those of you out there lucky enough to be married you know what a command sounds like. In the movies, this would be the moment that I pick up my baseball bat ready for action. One problem, I don’t own a baseball bat. I don’t even own a cricket bat, so armed with my squash racquet, accompanied by my wonder-dog and dressed in my faded rouge dressing-gown I go looking for a prowler.

Mini continued barking until we reached the living room. Then, in an act of pure bravery, she hid behind the sofa.

“Mini, there’s nobody here.” I shouted, losing my patience, but she wouldn’t budge and started sobbing. It was then that I saw what scaring her. Right in front of the TV stood a gray haired Pekinese who could easily have been Mini’s older brother.

“Jesus, where did you come from.”

“I live here,” came the answer in perfect English and I knew I must be dreaming. Only I could still hear the sobs coming behind the sofa and my wife’s voice from upstairs.

“Is everything alright Steve?”

“Fine doll. Go back to sleep.” Well what would you tell her, that you’re having a conversation with a gray canine?

“you don’t live here. I have never seen you before and we[‘ve been here for almost five years.”

“I have lived here for two hundred years, I am Alastor Rufus Nipper IV, I was born and bred in the walls of this very castle.”

“Look Nipper, this is not a castle, but an apartment, and as far as I know it was only built twelve years ago. What are you,” I asked giggling, “some kind of ghost dog?’

“O.K. You saw right through me. I am a ghost. Hey I told a joke. Pretty funny huh?”

“Look. I don’t believe in ghosts, and even if I did, you should be haunting some spooky mansion and definitely not speaking in English. Dogs don’t speak.Right Mini?”

But before my wonderdog could bark her answer the so-called ghost had disappeared, so I went back to bed, hoping to get a few more hours of sleep.

The next night I turned in early, totally exhausted and hoping for a quiet night, only to be woken again at 3 A.M.

“Mini, I told you I don’t believe in ghosts, especially of the canine influence.” Unfortunately she wouldn’t take no for an answer and I soon found myself back in the living-room dressed only in my dressing-gown. This time there were two Pekinese dogs in the room besides Mini, both of them flouting over the television. I mean it’s one thing to find a speaking dog in your living room at the witching hour but flying dogs? This was just too much for me to comprehend, so I ignored both of them and warning Mini that if she followed me back upstairs I would sell her to a Thai restaurant, made my exit.

Cut to 5 nights later.

I woke at ten to two, just before Mini made her entrance, and escorted her downstairs. My living room had been hijacked by a three ring circus. There were ghost dogs handing from the light fittings, Lassie was sitting on the TV, I counted at least twenty Dalmatians on the leather sofa and of course there were two identical Poodles playing Boogie on the piano in the corner.I had had enough.

“Look you guys, I can’t go on like this. I haven’t slept properly in a week. This can’t go on. What do you mutts want from me?” I was almost in tears. There’s only so much a grown man can take. Just tell me what you want and leave me in peace.”

It was Lassie who provided the answer:: “Look, you write all those great stories on your blog about Mini and she’s becoming quite a celebrity.” Several dogs barked their agreement. “We want a piece of the action.”

So I’m writing this blog out of desperation. If you read it and have a pet, please read it to him. I really need my sleep.”