My better half got the better of me again and talked me into going to a cocktail party thrown by her friend Mary Anne. I’m not sure why you throw a party.Who do you throw it at, is what I want to know ? Mary Anne and her rich husband Marvin live in a huge house with picture windows facing the ocean. Anyway I’m standing in the corner of the room, drinking my Bud and pretending to listen to two guys  talk about the rise in the price of real-estate, when this tall blond buxom woman comes up to me and without even introducing herself says:

“How about some sex on the beach?”

O.K. I’m a broad minded person, but my wife is standing only a matter of feet from me. Not having anything better to say I answer:
“Maybe a little later” and run to hide in the bathroom.

It was only a month later, when Larry  invited me to an early evening drink at the bar opposite work, that I caught on. There was a sign over the bar,  Sex on the Beach 1/2 price during happy hour. It used to be that drinks had sensible names. A Martini was, well a Martini, now you go to a bar and end up having to chose between having sex on the beach, liquid cocaine, smoker’s cough, the dark side of the moon, The Jersey Turnpike and a leg spreader (I swear these are all real drinks). Then if you are bored you can opt for Granny’s punch, a glass of free nothing, a panty remover, a suicide sampler, the golden canon ball, diamond in the muff, dreamer’s dream, walk the plank, seriouslaughter,  rose thorn, unlit candle,  Jesus juice,  carbondale cush, confederate coke, stingray, losing hand, heaven’s cure, devil’s advocate, Miami Milk, Chicago Skyscraper, liquid joint, ballerina slippers (double shot version), and Rambo tears. Is it any wonder then that I keep to my beer. So Larry, always the adventurous type, goes up to the female bartender with the blue eyes and nose-ring and without blinking asks to have Sex in the Jersey Turnpike.  I have to tell you that he never saw it coming. Who thought she  could pull such a punch. Actually these flowers are for him. I’m off to The Memorial  where he’s been recovering for two weeks now. Hopefully the blue eyed Rambo will drop the charges otherwise Larry will soon be drinking Sing Sing Sour.

If you are lost for an imaginative cocktail, you might want to try the Demi Moore-Jitto. 

Take 1 older woman, mix with 1 ex husband and 1 new young buck. 
Shake well
Shove a few mint sprigs in it and serve as one f**ked up extended wacky family.
Drink quickly, since you never know how long the ingredients will stay.

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