Archive for April, 2010
Some Inmates have all the luck!
“Gentlemen, I am warden Walter W. Felon III and I would like to welcome you all to the Beverly Hills Confinement Facility for the Rich and Famous. We don’t like to think of it as a prison, more a home away from home with bars. We hope that your stay with us will be a happy and fulfilling one and promise to make every effort to meet your demands. To help do this I have recently installed a suggestion box which you will find immediately adjacent to the W.W.F. charity box. So as to avoid embarrasment More >
There was an old woman who lived in a shoe. She had so many children, she didn’t know what to do; She gave them some broth without any bread; Then whipped them all soundly and put them to bed The Women who Lives in a Shoe
There was an old woman who lived in shoe. She had eleven children, but considered it too few. What with child benefit, tax credits and the minimum income guarantee, She decided to up the ante and adopt a further three.
A remake of “There was an Old Woman Who Lived in a Shoe“
By More >
The Bel Air Kindergarten of the Arts is run by a Ms. Fanny Hardbottom. Fanny, majored in the performing arts and even starred for a short time in a one woman show playing Off Broadway . Actually that story isn’t entirely accurate. Ms. Hardbottom performed a one man show on the corner of Broadway and 42nd Street for almost twenty minutes before a cop threatened to bring her in for loitering. Anyway, since then she has been managing this extraordinary kindergarten for gifted children whose parents are able to afford the $5000 a month fee and provide ample references (legal documents ascertaining the More >
My better half got the better of me again and talked me into going to a cocktail party thrown by her friend Mary Anne. I’m not sure why you throw a party.Who do you throw it at, is what I want to know ? Mary Anne and her rich husband Marvin live in a huge house with picture windows facing the ocean. Anyway I’m standing in the corner of the room, drinking my Bud and pretending to listen to two guys talk about the rise in the price of real-estate, when this tall blond buxom woman comes up to me More >
Dear shoppers, welcome to The Mall that is Bigger and Better than all the Other Malls ® Mall. Because we are The Mall that is Bigger and Better than all the Other Malls Mall, we are happy to provide you with a complimentary mall survival kit (deposit necessary of course, and no, we don’t accept small kids under the age of five as deposits even if the are named Dennis). The survival kit includes a special GPS to help you get around the mall. At any time code in the first three letters of the store or restaurant you want to visit and we More >
The Japanese eat little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans. The French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and they, too, suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans. Conclusion: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
Recent surveys have shown that you mustn’t eat red meat, but a steak a week is good for you. Coffee is bad for you but coffee is good for you. Beer is definitely healthier More >
In my post Super Hero Home Services I dealt with the pressing problem of fnding work for unemployed Super Heroes. Just as the Seinfeld cast got together again at Yada Yada Pastures, there will come a time when Super Heroes start showing their age. Talented cartoonist Donald Soffritti seems to know what I am talking about. Here is a selection of his work.
They say if you look long enough you can find anything on the internet. I stumbled upon this foolproof method for making holy water in the privacy of your own home from wikihow. I swear I haven’t changed a word. I especially liked th part about using kosher salt and the necessity for Basic understanding energy. Now if I can find a decent method for manufacturing gold without the help of an alchemist I’m out of here.
- First you’ll need to collect salt and water.
- You need to create Holy Salt before you can create Holy Water so consecrate the salt first.
- THE More >
I was fast asleep, dreaming about what I would do with all the money I had won on the lottery, when I felt an acute pain in my chest and a wet tongue licking my cheek.
“Darling, am I snoring again?”
The bowing in my left ear quickly made me realize it was Mini, my wonder Pekinese dog.
“Mini, it’s three A.M. There is no way I am taking you out for a walk at this bewitching hour.”
“Maybe he saw an intruder,” offered by better half, “Aren’t that what dogs are supposed to do? Warn us of intruders,”
“Right dear. We are talking More >
I saw this on Laughitout and couldn’t resist reprinting it here.
Who says today’s kids aren’t smart? Well, some of them are!
I wish I’d thought of this …
At a high school in Montana a group of students played a prank on the school.
They let three goats loose in the school.
Before they let them go they painted numbers on the sides of the goats: 1, 2 and 4.
Local school administrators spent most of the day looking for #3.
1. He and his father both shared the same name: Richard
2. When his mother remarried he called her husband his step ladder. This is early proof of the humor to come.
3. Much of his childhood was spent in hospitals, he was even in a coma for two months. Because he missed so much scholl he could barely read and write at the age of fifteen.
4. He missed most of the Beatles tour of Scandinavia in 1964 because of acute tonsillitis and was replaced by Jimmy Nichol.
5. It was Ringo who gave the More >
It was the winter of ’74. I was bumming around the West End of London and wanted to see a show. I’d already taken in Jesus Christ Superstar. Most of the good shows were sold out or only had premium tickets which were way over my budget. A ticket office had a couple of cheap tickets for a fringe show in Chelsea. The guy selling them knew nothing about the show. Not able to get tickets for anything else, I payed the guy and went of to Chelsea to find the theater where the show was playing. The place looked More >
Mary and Marie lived in small semi-detached houses on the opposite sides of town. They both worked at the salt factory.
Mary woke with a start. Had she dreamed the big crash? Leaving her husband of 15 years, Matt, still fast asleep, she tiptoed towards the bathroom. As she turned on the light she immediately noticed a small sparrow with a broken wing, sitting on the window sill. Matt must have left the window open, typical. On the floor were the remnants of the make-up mirror she had purchased only a week earlier. Damn!
Outside, the next door neighbor’s dog was howling More >
One couples plan:
They are driven to the wedding in a pumpkin on wheels.
The ceremony is held in the middle of a rainforest - the guests arrive on the backs of elephants.
The rabbi is actually Brad Pitt. Who cares if you are both Catholics? Brad Pitt!!!
The maids of honor are both dressed up as Catwoman.
The food is flown in from a cute boutique restaurant the couple once visied on the Left bank of Paris.
The music is of course provided by Elton John (you only get married once right?) backed by Eric Clapton Ringo Starr and Paul McCartney (no he’s not More >
We arrived at the airport three hours before departure time. My wife wasn’t very happy about that fact but our previous holiday was all but ruined by the fact that the plane took off without us. This was the only time I can remember when my flight actually left when they said it would. We were late due to a traffic jam resulting from the collision between a truck full of boxes of adult Pampers and a semi-trailer transporting live turkeys (soon to be dead anyway). The fact that Friendly Airlines decided to make history by leaving on time was More >
Telephone recording : Welcome to CodgerLand Reservations Services – the amusement park for senior citizens. For English information please press 1,for Spanish press 2, for Yiddish press 3, to speak to a live person press 4
Caller: 1. T: La Bienvenida a Codgerland
C: Hey I pressed 1.
T: An parque de atracciones
T: La Bienvenida a Codgerland
T: An parque de atracciones
C: Hey you guys. I pressed one. T: Una experiencia incredible
T: Welcome to CodgerLand Reservations Services – the amusement park for senior citizens. For English information please press 1,for Spanish press 2, for Yiddish press 3, to speak to a live person press 9.
T: We don’t recognize your choice. For More >
Ever since the creation of the world, man has been trying to find the answers to the eternal question. Generation after generation of scientists, philosophers and pub visitors have spent years trying to find the answers. Though millions of pages have been written suggesting possible causes, it would be safe to say that we are still generations away from concluding why, dammit, did the chicken cross the road? To help finally answer this question a forum of the worlds foremost minds met at a deserted branch of KFG just off route 80, south of Wayne N.J. The conference was chaired More >
HIM and HER
DIVORCE: Future tense of marriage
KISSING: A means of getting two people so close together that they can’t see anything wrong with each other.
PARK: Before children, a verb meaning, “to go somewhere and neck.” After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide.
1) The dawn of romance and the commencement of history 2) A word that should be pronounced as “mirage”; 3) A process much like a cafeteria – you carefully look over the choices, select what looks the best – and pay later; 4) An event which is called “tying the knot” – unfortunately, More >