You know you're really pregnant when
...that creepy guy on the train who is unable to extract the finger from his nostril and who wears a torn pair of black bell bottom jeans, gets up to give you a seat. ...the guy at the local convenience store starts wrapping pickles for you before you even get to the counter. ...your homeroom teacher suggests that you both have a little ...
You know you're really pregnant when
...that creepy guy on the train who is unable to extract the finger from his nostril and who wears a torn pair of black bell bottom jeans, gets up to give you a seat. ...the guy at the local convenience store starts wrapping pickles for you before you even get to the counter. ...your homeroom teacher suggests that you both have a little ...
The lighter side of death
Visiting Rites Susan Jane McCoy was a righteous and graceful eighty five year old lady who was spending the last of her days at the St Mary Retirement home in southern New Jersey. One fine morning she requested to speak to the local priest. "Father", she said in a broken, worn out voice "I feel that my time is drawing near and I have two requests." "Mrs. McCoy, you have been a faithful member of our c...
Adventures in a Japanese Loo
A foreigner's first experience with a Japanese toilet could easily be compared with a teenagers first experience with love. You meet this gorgeous girl during the school recess but you have no idea what to do about it. No-one has given you an instructions manual. The same can be said about Japanese washlets - right you really don't want to call it a toilet any more than you'd call a Jaguar E-Type Roaster a car - t...
Adventures in a Japanese Loo
A foreigner's first experience with a Japanese toilet could easily be compared with a teenagers first experience with love. You meet this gorgeous girl during the school recess but you have no idea what to do about it. No-one has given you an instructions manual. The same can be said about Japanese washlets - right you really don't want to call it a toilet any more than you'd call a Jaguar E-Type Roaster a car - t...
Adventures in a Japanese Loo
A foreigner's first experience with a Japanese toilet could easily be compared with a teenagers first experience with love. You meet this gorgeous girl during the school recess but you have no idea what to do about it. No-one has given you an instructions manual. The same can be said about Japanese washlets - right you really don't want to call it a toilet any more than you'd call a Jaguar E-Type Roaster a car - t...
40 more things to do when you're bored
O.K. so I know when I've got a good thing going. You loved my earlier blog 100 things to when you're bored. Here are 40 more ideas 1. Paint your monitor black. 2. Paint your monitor screen black. 3. Try to get the paint of your screen before your boss sees it and fires you. 4. Write a musical about four legged animals who sing songs based on a long dead poet. - Oh that one's been done. Sorry, there are...
Adventures in a Japanese Loo
A foreigner's first experience with a Japanese toilet could easily be compared with a teenagers first experience with love. You meet this gorgeous girl during the school recess but you have no idea what to do about it. No-one has given you an instructions manual. The same can be said about Japanese washlets - right you really don't want to call it a toilet any more than you'd call a Jaguar E-Type Roaster a car - t...
The lighter side of death
Visiting Rites Susan Jane McCoy was a righteous and graceful eighty five year old lady who was spending the last of her days at the St Mary Retirement home in southern New Jersey. One fine morning she requested to speak to the local priest. "Father", she said in a broken, worn out voice "I feel that my time is drawing near and I have two requests." "Mrs. McCoy, you have been a faithful member of our c...
What the Queen said, and what she really meant
"Like all the best families, we have our share of eccentricities, of impetuous and wayward youngsters and of family disagreements." English interpretation: "My sister's a lush, my daughter in law bollimic, my son insists on making it out with a cow, my husband's so senile that he tries to put it in the vacuum cleaner and my favorite Corgi has eloped to America." --- "It's all to do with the training: you c...
You know you're really pregnant when
...that creepy guy on the train who is unable to extract the finger from his nostril and who wears a torn pair of black bell bottom jeans, gets up to give you a seat. ...the guy at the local convenience store starts wrapping pickles for you before you even get to the counter. ...your homeroom teacher suggests that you both have a little ...
40 more things to do when you're bored
O.K. so I know when I've got a good thing going. You loved my earlier blog 100 things to when you're bored. Here are 40 more ideas 1. Paint your monitor black. 2. Paint your monitor screen black. 3. Try to get the paint of your screen before your boss sees it and fires you. 4. Write a musical about four legged animals who sing songs based on a long dead poet. - Oh that one's been done. Sorry, there are...
The lighter side of death
Visiting Rites Susan Jane McCoy was a righteous and graceful eighty five year old lady who was spending the last of her days at the St Mary Retirement home in southern New Jersey. One fine morning she requested to speak to the local priest. "Father", she said in a broken, worn out voice "I feel that my time is drawing near and I have two requests." "Mrs. McCoy, you have been a faithful member of our c...
You know you're really pregnant when
...that creepy guy on the train who is unable to extract the finger from his nostril and who wears a torn pair of black bell bottom jeans, gets up to give you a seat. ...the guy at the local convenience store starts wrapping pickles for you before you even get to the counter. ...your homeroom teacher suggests that you both have a little ...
You know you're really pregnant when
...that creepy guy on the train who is unable to extract the finger from his nostril and who wears a torn pair of black bell bottom jeans, gets up to give you a seat. ...the guy at the local convenience store starts wrapping pickles for you before you even get to the counter. ...your homeroom teacher suggests that you both have a little ...

10 Worst Ways to Propose Marriage

In my earlier post An Expensive Proposal I pondered how far modern day Romeos will go in order to orchestrate the ultimate proposal. It would seem that where the proposal takes place is also becoming an issue. Here are the ten worst ways I can think of to propose marriage. You have been warned.

10. In church, while your beloved is on her way to the alter to marry her six foot ten, muscle packed, open heart surgeon fiancée. I know it worked for Dustin Hoffman but that was in the movies.

9. At the funeral of her grandmother who brought her up and cared for her after her parents were both killed when a runaway camel fell on their VW Beetle during a nasty typhoon.

8. In a Twitter message: “Dearest Guinevere, U R the luv of my life. Please make me the happiest man in the world and marry me. Text me your answer”

7. While she is giving birth to twins after being in labor for 26 hours straight.

“Mary will you marry me?”

“Shut up you FX #$#$*&(*&(*& and get me that epidural already!!!”

6. On an answering machine:

“Hi babe. I can see you’re not there. Like I was just wondering, sort of, if you fancied getting hitched like on Monday. That is if you haven’t got anything better to do that morning?”

5. On the phone.

“Hi, is this the Lorento’s?”

“Yeh well this is Mike. Could I speak to Mary-Anne please?”

“Oh she’s in the shower”

“Would I like to leave a message? Ehh O.K.”

“If it’s not too much trouble could you ask her if she would like to marry me?”

4. At the deportation office, even though there are plenty of witnesses there to chose from.

3. In your apartment while going over your bills.

“Priscella, I’ve just been going over the numbers and it would seem that if we got married we could save $1500 a month on our taxes. What do you say?”

2. “Wow I didn’t see that van coming. Are you O.K. ’cause I have something I want to ask you?”

And the #1 worst way to propose

1. In a McDonald’s with an edible ring hidden inside a double whopper. The guy who actually did this deserved to be turned down.

And some of the best and worst live proposals: