Archive for March, 2010
Interesting Tombstone Epitaphs
Once I wasn’t, then I was, now I ain’t again – Cleveland Ohio
Here lies Ezekial Akle. Age 102. The good die young. – Nova Scotia
Here lies Ann Mann, Who lived an old maid, but died an old Mann. Dec. 8, 1767 – London
Harry Edsel Smith Born 1903. Died 1942. Looked up the elevator shaft to see if the car was on the way down. It was – Albany More >
In my earlier post An Expensive Proposal I pondered how far modern day Romeos will go in order to orchestrate the ultimate proposal. It would seem that where the proposal takes place is also becoming an issue. Here are the ten worst ways I can think of to propose marriage. You have been warned.
10. In church, while your beloved is on her way to the alter to marry her six foot ten, muscle packed, open heart surgeon fiancée. I know it worked for Dustin Hoffman but that was in the movies.
9. At the funeral of her grandmother who brought her up More >
Alex in Blunderland
Alex works for Queen Features Inc which is situated on 472 Main Street on the 54th floor. Alex is middle management and has been for five years now. Alex’s prospects are not too promising. He is half way up the ladder but can’t seem to get any higher. Every day, Alex gets up at 7:10 A.M., showers, brushes the twelve hairs that hang over his forehead, eats a toasted bagel with cheese, drinks a cup of tasteless brewed warm coffee and commutes to work. Alex wears a Blue-tooth earphone ornamentally on his right ear and a single earring in More >
Many critics have claimed that Tim Burton’s Alice in Wonderland isn’t loyal to the original book published in 1865 by Lewis Carol. The film displays the story of Alice in the Under Ground and claims that it was Alice who called it Wonderland in an earlier visit. Few of the critics seem to have noticed that Burton is winking at them and his audience throughout. The original Alice was supposedly Alice Liddell, one of three schoolgirl sisters, daughters of Henry George Liddell, the Vice-Chancellor of Oxford University, who were lucky enough to listen to Reverend Charles Lutwidge Dodgson’s More >
Michelangelo’s David is one of the best known and respected art pieces in the world. His marble sculpture of the young Israelite who slew Goliath and became king has been the #1 tourist attraction in Florence for centuries. If Michelangelo sculptured the young David today, entirely in the buff, who would probably immediately be arrested as a suspect pedophile. Such is the way of the world.
Here’s what the Internet has done to innocent David.
Museums were first invented in Paris, France by Jean Paul Yurr Hedoff in 1789. Jean was employed by Doctor Joseph-Ignace Guillotin as a cleaner upper or as they called it in those days a nettoyeur de têtes. It was Jean’s job to clean up the mess after a Guillotine. The poor man found that after a few weeks he had quite a collection of disembodied heads and blood stained clothing and a growing crowd of visitors who wanted to see the artifacts for themselves. So it happened that Jean, behind the back of his employer and the authorities, opened his house to paying vistors and aptly named More >
You want to get rich fast. There’s only one big problem. Your skint! Your bank balance is in the red, your bank manager refuses to return your calls, your family have disowned you and the national sweepstakes refuses to chose your lucky numbers. All is lost. Not quite my friend. There are still opportunities out there to make money from thin air – literally. Here is a list of some possible options and because I’m such a nice guy I’m providing it for free, zip! If you do manage to adopt one of my ideas and make your millions, please More >
A New Jersey town is being terrorized by ‘The Midnight Knitter’ – someone covering public property with knitting. Around the world there have been numerous reports testifying to similar tree terrorism . A source close to the President has stated that secret meetings between the CIA, MI5 and the Mossad have concluded that the assault origins from Bin Laden. Before you call the bomb squad and check out the present situation of Osama, you might want, first, to check out the latest movements of Grannie Bin Laden pictured here. Rumor has it that Osama’s grandmother is behind the defacement of trees More >
Help! I am stranded on a desert island somewhere in the Caribbeans . I was in the middle of a heavy poker game in the casino, somewhere in the vicinity of Bermuda, when I heard a big explosion. The next thing I know, I am hanging on for dear life to the remains of a roulette table, alone in the middle of the ocean in the midday sun and no sunscreen. I floated for what seemed liked days, but was probably no more than a few hours, ’till a tidal wave swept me on to a deserted beach. Well it wasn’t deserted More >
Single Australian farmer in search of witty, down to earth girl with tractor. Please send picture of tractor.
Desperate! Need professional doggie walker for Barbie, Ken and Brenda my sweet Rottweilers. Army commando experience an advantage.
The following are from an era when cleverness with words was still valued, before a great portion of the English language got boiled down to 4-letter words, not to mention waving middle fingers.
The exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor:
She said, “If you were my husband I’d give you poison,” and he said, ”If you were my wife, I’d drink it.”
A member of Parliament to Disraeli: “Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease.” “That depends, Sir,” said Disraeli, “whether I embrace your policies or your mistress.” “He had delusions More >
She never wears the same skirt twice
She lives on diet coke.
She’s the crowned queen of the shopping mall
Who doesn’t see it as a joke.
She’s not like other folk.
By 6 P.M. she’s shopped and shopped
Once again she’s truly broke
Her fridge s quite a no mans land
While she overflows in shoes.
If clothes contained more vitamins
She’d be as perky as Tom Cruise.
They tell her it’s obsessive
Just like cigarettes and booze.
Maybe they’re right, ’cause on shopless nights
She comes down with the blues.
Trendy Tina, Reckless Rita,
Fashion Freak Fionna.
They never drink the local beer
But will settle for Corona.
They shop in pairs More >
It was recruiting time at the office again. Larry had conveniently come down with some kind of rare nameless virus and the chore was again left to me – for the fourth year running. We were in the market for a Java programmer and an Analyst but judging from the resumes and interview minutes, we could easily have been recruiting for a 3 ring circus. Here are some of the feedback I got.
General Marital status: often. Children: various.” Sex: occasionally Emergency Contact Number: “911 Email Address: pornstardelight@*****.com Experience 1990 – 1997: Stewardess with Air force Troops in Iraq 2001 Voluntary summer More >
The Oscars are famous for mediocre movies, overlong ceremonies, corny jokes and lavish parties. But symbolizes the Oscars more than anything are the outlandish outfits that the celebrities wear in order you get there pictures published in the media. Here are my winners for the Oscar category :Whoopi Goldberg wearing a selection designed by I Don’t Give a Damn Salon for the Ugly Cameron and Renee showing that it’s fine to wear the bedroom sheets to the ball Two Celebs who decide to show all Cher – What did you expect!! Nominations for the ugliest outfit in history award Just to prove that men can More >
Please help me. I am a Japanese Baguette baker and have been kidnapped by the men in white. I am being held in a house of elderly CIA agents disguised as old age pensioners. No one is really listening to me but I have it on good authority (Jack the undercover MI5 agent dressed as a cleaner) that I have a ransom of 10 million dollars on my head. If you find this bottle before 2020, please see to the ransom. I have hidden my life savings, approximately 17 ½ million dollars in a saki pitcher More >