Exclusive: Glimpse at World’s First 3D Cable Channels

As principal reporter (only reporter actually) of The Taite Gallery I was invited recently to participate in a top secret hush hush experiment called Triple D Day. I have always been interested in gadgets so it should come as no surprise that I jumped at the opportunity to test the latest piece of cutting edge technology which is scheduled to capture the world’s fancy next summer. I am talking, of course, about 3D T.V. 
The van arrived at ten minutes past ten on a clear sunny Sunday morning. A technician from DDD Delusions Inc jumped out and started unpacking. I don’t know what I was expecting but I must say the 120 inch TV was more than I’d counted on. Within minutes the guy had all the apparatus set up and we were ready to roll.
“What about the glasses?” I asked him stupidly.
“That’s for the eighties.” he smiled, “Two drops of this liquid in each eye is all you’ll need” and he passed my a lemon colored dispenser.
The experiment included a special package of 7 cable channels – cartoons, 3D cooking, action, sport, animal kingdom, soaps and 4dsomething. We opted not to try the triple x offering, there were kids around.
“Take it easy at first” the guy warned us, “don’t go for the 4dsomething till the middle of the second week.”
So, in deference to the kids,  we started with the cartoons. At first it was a breeze. We were joined by Snow White, Bambi, several escapees from Toy Story and Aladdin. It was only when my son was dueling Captain Hook that we noticed that something was wrong.”
“Steve!” my wife nudged me, “The’re not going away.”
“What dear?” I replied, my eyes following Tinkerbelle as she flew out of the living room window.
“They are all still here.”
“Who?”
“Everyone. Look. Popeye over there is chatting up Snow White, three of the dwarfs are hanging from the candelabra, Aladdin is in the kitchen rubbing the electric kettle – every character from the cartoons is still here. They don’t disappear when the program ends.”
“Yes I see what you mean. Must be a malfunction. Let’s try another channel.” The wife wanted 3D Cooking but I persuaded her that sport was much more interesting.

“The golf is so realistic in 3D” she was forced to admit.
“Yes” I kidded her, “If he swings any further to the right the ball will go right through the.. Oh my …!”
“Fore!” came a voice from the screen as the living room windows shattered sending glass all over the Grumpy and Olive Oil. I could tell  they weren’t in the least bit happy.
“Do something.” shouted the little woman.
I jumped for the remote but Bluto got there first and the next thing I saw was three chimpanzees heading my way followed by a miniature King Kong. By the time I had retrieved the remote, two goats were making mince-meat of my sofa, a giraffe with an attitude was dismounting the chandelier and the chimps were bowling bananas. King Kong had disappeared through the broken window and running after our neighbor Dafne who was trying to escape by climbing up the fire escape of the twelve storey apartment building. Wimpy was showing signs of hunger so I moved on to 3D cooking. The naked chef appeared immediately, making hamburgers and throwing them towards us. Wimpy didn’t seem to mind but  I was worried that the ketchup wouldn’t come off the wallpaper. After a quick discussion we decided that our safest bet was the soap channel and for a moment or so it looked like we were right. Taylor was taking a bath when the phone rang. Grabbing a towel, she ran off to answer it, leaving the water running. Stupid lady, but it’s a known fact that they don’t hand out I.Q. on soaps. All my shouting didn’t seem to help. The water came pouring out of the bath towards us, our own personal tsunami. Needless to say the chimps immediately organized a game of water polo, six of the dwarfs, jumping at the chance, used Olive Oil as a bridge to freedom followed by all of Stephanie’s EX’s and the current B&B; script writer and producer. At this point, I managed to control the urge to switch to the action channel. The thought of Iron Man fighting the Joker with Superman and the Fantastic Four as backup in the middle of my living room was no longer all that appealing. I glanced at my wife, standing near the kitchen and acting as umpire for the Wimbledon finals and, taking her wink as approval,  went for the 4dsomething. If your cup of tea is to have the entire cast of National Geographic in your living room together with aroma and excrements as a bonus, then this is the channel for you.
   I am writing these words from the psychiatric ward waiting room, where my wife is still recovering. I keep telling the nurses that her behavior is normal considering the circumstances but since the night she destroyed four plasma TVs and seven computer monitors they have refused to remove the strait jacket and keep her heavily sedated. Trying to hide my guilt, I have faithfully kept her up to date with the recent cast changes on the Bold and the Beautiful. I have it from a reliable source that Stephanie and Taylor were spotted on an island south of Jamaica being pampered by several dwarfs and an elderly man carrying a hamburger. If all goes well there’s a good chance they may discharge my wife in a year or two.