The prize is a priceless contract to lead the panel of judges on the most popular TV show in America.
The winner gets
  • Unlimited amounts of Coca Cola
  • A chance to verbally abuse every would be, could be, should be and God help me who thinks they can sing.
  • A free two week course in the use of eyebrow expressions
  • A great wardrobe consisting of cheap jeans and plain T-shirts.
Ladies and Gentleman this Is American  Deity
The loss of Simon is worrying the directors at ABC. It is no secret that the audience of American Idol is more interested in the host than the contestants themselves who often prove to be little more than background for his cynicism. Now that Simon has made his intentions clear, the network needs a miracle to keep the program from folding. What better way to choose the new messiah than in the spin-off due to hit our screens next September, aptly called American Deity. All over the world, that means Beverly Hills and Park Ave London, celebrities have been auditioning.  The list of the final ten has just been released. So has the format. For the first five weeks we will witness playoffs. Each week two mega-stars will compete face to face. Only one will survive and get through to the following round in which the surviving five will fight for a place in the final scheduled to take place on Boxing Day.
Here, exclusive to The Taite Gallery, is a list of finalists and the playoff schedule.

Week One: The Bald and the once Beautiful

Sinead O’ Conner V Britney Spears.
Guest Umpired by Neil Diamond who will be singing his latest hit song due out in November 1973 : These two popular charismatic ex-baldies, whose known attitude problems could bring new life to American Idol, will compete in a mud bath. In this no holds barred meeting, the goal will be to pull out as many hairs out of the components head as possible in the limited period (35 minutes including commercials and record plugs). If overtime is necessary each competitor will be allowed to crucify one of her opponents songs live.

Week Two: The Prince and Newman

Prince Charles V Alfred E. Neuman.

Guest umpired by Neil Diamond (again) who will sing the theme to Jonathan Livingstone Seagull accompanied by the Daniel Siegal Choir.
The aging Prince with the ears stolen  from Alfred E. Newman battles his historic alter ego in an attempt to be the first to put the audience to sleep within the designated time. Both competitors promise to bring class to the program. The loser, however,  will have to deal with posing pregnant on the upcoming issue of Vanity Fair.

Week Three: Presumed Innocent

Marge Simpson V Jessica Rabbit. Guest umpired by Paula Abdul who will choreograph the Watership Down Dance Company. Our two colorful heroines must recite at least two lines, unprompted, from a Shakespearean tragedy  while dressed only in a sheer  lemon bikini. The winner will be the one found to least resemble a pet and agree to sit on  Randy’s lap during the commercial break.

Week Four: To Sir With Love

Sir Paul McCartney V Sir Elton John. Guest umpired by Yoko Ono who has promised not to sing or dance, or speak, but don’t count on it. The  two ultimate mega gods may be just what the program is looking for. In the fight of the fittest these two recording giants must run down the Yellow Brick Road, take a right at Penny Lane, and stop off at Abbey Road to pick up a few millions in royalties before performing a duet consisting of sixty four verses of Hey Jude, sung backwards. The winner is the last one  still standing at the end of the program.

Week Five: I Can Take You Higher
Amy Winehouse V ?#$@%@^@**

Nobody was willing to guest umpire this bout or compete with her. The network has tried everything and approached everybody (even Olivia Newton John who declined!), but in the end it is up to Amy to compete against herself. If she manages to stay on her two feed for the entire 35 minutes without throwing up she is through to the next round. I wouldn’t put your money on it.

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