Archive for January, 2010
Mornings were invented by the infamous Stew Peed de Sade in the 12th century as a form of revenge. De Sade was working on his first book titled the Middlesex Tales about a group of clergymen who set out on to the seaside town of Blackpool in search of a bath. To his great astonishment, a fellow author named Chaucer published a book with a similar theme and he was forced to abandon his work and turn to the invention of what we now refer to as mornings. Because of de Sade’s curse on modern civilization, generation after have had More >
Now that Steve Jobs has displayed the Ipad to the world, it remains to be seen which new devices he will conquer the world with in the years to come. Here, from our personal inside mole at a top secret Apple research lab, is a guide to a few of the new products Apple is secretly working on.
1. The Ipotty. Press for number one or number two as applicable
2. The Imobile. Tomorrows breakthrough in mobile comfort
3. The Ilatte. A perfect companion to your Ipad, available at your local Ibucks coffee shop.
4. The sure to be popular Iquarium complete with underwater music More >
I woke up in the morning with a jerk. Something was wrong. I could feel it in my bones. It was the wife, kicking me from below the blanket. I must have been snoring again. I had again had the reoccurring nightmare where a twenty foot blue skinned girl with a tail had taken possession of my blog and left me sixty odd, empty Guinness cans in payment,which she assured me were more valuable than diamonds where she came from. I ran downstairs to the kitchen to get my morning dose of caffeine. I even managed to avoid tripping over More >
Now there’s the Internet!!!Q: When is it okay to kiss someone? A: You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a big ring and her own DVD, so she can watch the videos of the wedding.” Q: Why do lovers hold hands? “They want to make sure their rings don’t fall off, because they paid good money for them.” Q: Can you hide from More >
From the associated press: NEW YORK – NBC said Thursday it has reached a $45 million deal with Conan O’Brien for his exit from the “Tonight Show,” allowing Jay Leno to return to the late-night program he hosted for 17 years.
I think that this is good a time as any to announce that I am perfectly willing to leave everything for 45 million dollars. I promise to have cleared out my desk by Monday, evacuated my house, handed over Mini my wonder Pekinese and auctioned off my children (sorry kids but business is business). Just so there is no doubt on the matter, More >
My morning started with a pneumatic drill working on the left side of my forehead. No it had nothing to do with the party I had attended the night before or the two, alright three beers I had consumed. I had been trying to get Marge on the phone for twenty minutes to inform her that I was sick and wouldn’t be coming in to work. Eventually I got an answer.
“Larry Pitar here, how can I help you?”
“Hey Larry, it’s Steve. I was trying to get to Marge and inform her that I am sick and won’t be in today.”
“Marge More >
Piano fun, clowns, terrorists and the Avalanches’ psychiatrist
Four great musical clips
- A masterpiece for two pairs of feet
- Vocal Clowns!
- The Osama Break Dance
- The Avalanches: Frontier Psychiatrist
A masterpiece for two pairs of feetA masterpiece for two pairs of feet
The Osama Break Dance
The Avalanches: Frontier Psychiatrist
Finally you get a chance at controlling the silly walk all by yourself in the privacy of your computer. If you are over 40 and still live at home with your mother who has yet to learn how to properly iron your shirts or make Shepherd’s Pie without first removing the shepherd, please use with caution.
The Internet is full of text generators of all shapes and sizes. The Surrealist Compliment Generator seems to stand out from the rest. To see why, here are a few generated examples you can use on your enemies. Your fingers sublimate into volcanic gases with the slightest cooling touch from the antennae of a passing lyre. The Green Paint on the Walls Clouds my Thoughts of Flying Planks of Wood, Much An ocean-going tin of crosseyed mussels could never match the melodious burblings of your sister’s husband. You are the swordfish that will never shower. Your eyes shine with the greed of a misplaced tea More >
- Unlimited amounts of Coca Cola
- A chance to verbally abuse every would be, could be, should be and God help me who thinks they can sing.
- A free two week course in the use of eyebrow expressions
- A great wardrobe consisting of cheap jeans and plain T-shirts.
During the past year there has been only one known sighting of the Loch Ness Monster. Experts tend to think that Nellie has left us. Elton John has once again adapted his lyrics.
Goodbye Nellie dear Though we never really knew you at all You kept the whole world guessing And the Loch Ness dwellers rich. An occasional appearance Helped to keep the legend alive You let the Scotsmen thrive Now the trade is in the ditch.
And you filled the minds of a world that dined On a dino in the mist. Never sure what they were seeing From their More >
Sometimes in the morning I wake up and there’s no dawn and I find nobody warned me Of my fate. I get up with no alarm And try so hard to remain calm But in my heart I fear of harm If I am late.
Yet another Thursday Monday When I dream of the return of Sunday And I pray to God that someday, one day All this will change. But for now I’m really rushed for Tuesday. That’s my life, in a very much abused way Counting minutes till I’m touching Friday And all my life will rearrange.More >
1.The flying popcorn crusher. This revolutionary device is likely to become all the fad at cineplexes around the globe. It looks innocent enough when hiding in the front pocket of your shirt, but when you release the safety clip it hovers above your head in search of movie goers eating popcorn n your vicinity. When its radar vision locks on an offender it attacks and pulverizes the remaining popcorn enabling you to enjoy the rest of the movie without further distraction.
2.M.P.D. (Mobile Phone Destroyer). This darling robot dog, More >
Q: My husband had a Vasectomy 3 years ago and didn’t tell me. In that time I’ve conceived four children. How much trouble do you think I’m in?A: If he didn’t figure out four kids ago I’d say your free and clear.
Q. I’m two months pregnant now. When will my baby move? A. With any luck, right after he finishes college.Q. How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness More >
2009 was a bad year for amusement parts. The financial crises together with the opening up of new venues in Dubai and Macao cut profits heavily. In an attempt to fight back, amusement parks across the U.S. And Europe are opening new, more challenging rides that will hopefully help return the masses.
Here, exclusively, is a look at the top ten new rides due to open this summer.
1.Civil Servant Drownarama. In this ride you are driven through Bureaucracy Galore on top of a pile of forms made out in triplicate. Every time you spy a civil servant you must drown him immediately More >