The American’s guide to the British

   No matter how many years it has been since you last set your feet in Great Britain, to most of the world and especially the Americans, you will always be English, for good and for bad. The reason for this is that immediately after birth, every British citizen is embedded with a specially produced micro-chip which controls his behavior. The chip, commonly known as the Fishochip, is believed to have been invented in the back room of a Middlesex pub called the the Elusive Camel. One of the most common affects of the chip is its influence on the art of conversation. This entirely confuses any foreigner who tries to fit in and is thus used by the agents of MI5 to smoke out impostors. Any newcomer to London, hoping to fit in, must acquaint himself with the art of English conversation. The basic rules are as follows:
For the beginner it is important to acquaint oneself with this opening sentence that must be used to open all conversations:
“It’s a nice day today isn’t it?”
Once you have learned this initial opening sentence by heart and have practiced it for a week or two, you are ready to advance stage. This stage is a bit tricky so take your time at mastering it.
“It’s windy today, they say it will rain by nightfall.”
After conquering this artful phrase can ready yourself for the final frontier.
“My sources tell me that the North East  can expect scattered thunder storms followed by sleet, shail and late afternoon snow. By nightfall all this should change and we can expect heavy fog in the urban areas. The forecast for tomorrow is sun.