Yada Yada Pastures, The Seinfeld Spin-off: Seinfeld 40 years on

Seinfeld, the sitcom to end all sitcoms, ran from July 5, 1989 (1989-07-05) – May 14, 1998 screening 180 episodes starring Jerry, Kramer George and Elaine.who missed the pilot. For years there has been a huge public outcry for a reunion, a movie and a return of the series. A sort of reunion was recently orchestrated by Larry David, but the audience worldwide wants more.  What has been hidden from the public and media alike is the fact that there are several spin-offs that never made it to prime timer. Here, for the first time anywhere, I am pleased to reveal some of the gems the world has missed.

The time: 40 years after the series finale

Elaine (being difficult as usual): Look kids, it’s not that I don’t appreciate the offer, but its been a long time since I last saw him, and I never really thought that Jerry was funny.
Dan (her younger son): Ma, you’ll love it, anyway I’ve already paid for the tickets and they’re non refundable.
Elaine looking at the three suitcases in the back of the aging station wagon): But why do I need so many clothes for one weekend. I’m fine with just my jeans and my Jesus I’m Cold sweatshirt.
(Ruth, Dan’s wife, gives him the look.)
Dan: O.K. Lets get this wagon a rolling.
Elaine: Wait, I have to go again.
Dan: But you’ve already been three times, we have a plane to catch.
Elaine: You want me to wet the car again, your funeral!
Dan: Fine Ma, but please hurry.
Elaine: Maybe you want me to SMS it.
Ruth (when Elaine is out of hearing): You coward, you never told her, you promised you’d tell her.
Dan: Yeah, and I can just see Ma signing herself into a retirement home voluntarily. She’d blow both of our heads off first without a second thought.

(Cut to Airplane)

Dan: We’re seated in 24C and D
Elaine: At my age I should be flying business. Your Brother John always flies business.
Dan: Jack
Elaine: What?
Dan: My brother’s name is Jack, John was your second husband.
Elaine: I thought that was Pierre
Dan: No, Ma, Pierre was the hairdresser you knifed in the knee when he permed your hair  orange.
Elaine: Why would I marry a hairdresser, I’ll have you know I have impeccable taste. So who was John then?
Dan: John Angelino, he had a steady job at Hell’s Angels, he’s doing five to ten now. Here we are 24C and D, now if you’ll just take your seat.
Elaine: How can I take my seat. Some fat, bald slob with stupid glasses is sitting there.

George: Hello Elaine, long time no see. Fancy meeting you here. My mistake I’m supposed to be in 24E.
Elaine: George! George Bonanza!
George: Costanza
Elaine: You remember George, Dan. George, this is my son Donald.
Dan: Dan
Elaine: Whatever. When does the girl come round with the cocktails Don?
Dan: She doesn’t Ma, we’re traveling couch, remember.
Elaine: Right, stingy bastard. (turning to George) George,where are you off to all on your own?
George: Well, to tell the truth Elaine, I’m on the run.
Elaine: Me too, can never stop going, but try telling it to Dennis here.
Dan: Dan.
Elaine: You have no respect for the elderly,
George: No, I’m really on the run, two men came to my apartment last night and offered me a place in Arlington.
Elaine: I thought they only accepted dead people there
George: They do, they said they had an immediate vacancy. Kramer was kind enough as to take me in.

(Cut to the Yada Yada Pastures Home for Senior Citizens. Elaine and George are sitting at a table in a hall together with Jerry, waiting for the show to begin. A wobbly Kramer approaches them, his left arm in plaster and his head bandaged.)
George (to Jerry): What happened to Kramer?
Jerry: He keeps walking in unannounced.
Elaine What’s so special about that, he always did that?
Jerry: He forgets.
George: Forgets what?
Jerry: He forgets to open the door first, very unfortunate.

Elaine (looking around at the other people seated around tables in the hall): Jerry, you sure pack an elderly audience these days.
Jerry: Yes, well the pays O.K. and the audience find it hard to walk out on me, physically hard. The best part is I can tell the same jokes every week and nobody notices.

(The lights dim and a middle aged M.C. with glasses and dressed in a shabby tuxedo takes the stage.)
M.C.: Good evening Ladies and Gentleman and welcome once again to the Yada Yada Weekend Sit-up Comedy Show. Please make sure you have your hearing-aids on and please let me remind you not to forget your teeth when you leave. That Includes you Mr. Peterman.  For those of you who have forgotten, my name is Newman.
Elaine: No not…
M.C. Alfred Newman, and my dad owns this place, so please behave yourself.
Voice from next table: Hello Elaine, Welcome to Yada Yada. The place with plenty of entrances but only one exit.
Elaine faints.

Look for the Seinfeld Pre-School Chronicles and more spin-offs coming soon to a blog near you.