5 Work Colleagues I would gladly send off on the maiden voyage of Titanic II

    “Dennis, I need to know how much a green and yellow monthly progress chart will cost.”

    “I’ll get back to you Steve, I’ll just run it past Peter.”

    “When will I get an answer?”

    “It depends on my priorities. Let me ask Marcia.”

    “Fancy a quick coffee.”

    “Emmmm.”

    “O.K. no pressure.”

2. Petticoat Pam.

    Petticoat Pam wears a three inch skirt

    And a belt so tight that it sure must hurt.

    She buys her clothes and panties at The Teenage Pixie

    Though I hear from good sources she’s  on the brighter side of sixty.

    She eats lettuce and leaves and smokes a  cigar

    And has a diamond shaped sunroof on top of her car.
    Her bosom and botox  has send students through Yale
    And you’d be forgiven for thinking her wears are for sale.    

3. Know-all Norman

Know-all Norman is very high placed, well connected and  of course married to the CEO’s daughter. He has an open door policy, which means you are invited you come and visit him and make suggestions. The conversation usually goes like this.

Idiotic worker who is fool enough to believe in open door policy: Mr. Norman, Sir, I have a suggestion.

K.N.: Right that’s what I’m here for. Have you finished fixing all the bugs in the FX Cross Calculator?

I.W.: I’m working on it sir. Should have it done by Tuesday.

K.N.: Not good enough, bring me a status by four this afternoon including a complete breakdown of the affects of each bug on our cash flow and the number of end-users affected.

I.W.: Yes sir. About my suggestion.

K.N.: Feel free to speak openly. No prejudice here.

I.W.: Thank you sir. I thought that it would be a good idea to….

K.N.: Talking about ideas, I don’t recall seeing the detailed analysis of the ATM transformation project.

I.W.: Well, there’s been a bit of a delay, Sir.

K.N.: I specifically stated no delays. You know I hate delays. Delays are a weakness. If I recall correctly. and I have a perfect memory, it was due yesterday.

I.W.: Yes but the analyst was sick.

K.N.: The analysts are always sick. You should have taken that into account when building the gantt.  Sickness is in the mind. I’m sure that with a bit of encouragement he could have put his stupid ailment behind him and met his deadline.

I.W.: I doubt that sir.

K.N.: You do. do you. Well let me tell you I am never ever wrong. Remember that. Now get back to your analyst and tell him to work round the clock ‘tll the paper is ready.

I.W.: I don’t think that will be possible sir.

K.N.: And why would that be.

I.W.: His funeral is this afternoon. I only came to suggest you put off our 4 O’ Clock so  that we could all attend. 

4.  Mobile Mary

   Mary is a twenty four year old member of the new generation who are born with a mobile phone embedded between their left ear and shoulder. Thorough attempts by scientists at removing the object have ended in failure. Every morning Mary comes to work and struggles through an exhausting day of verbal abuse (most of it hers).

Mary (speaking to the phone in a pitch that call be heard three floors down): Yeh, like, I keep telling them to deal with the f—g alarm. Every night the same deal. So, like my hunn was asleep like, so I took his stiletto. Yeh , right , the one he always keeps in his back pocket. So I, like, go down stairs like, and the idiots still haven’t silenced the noise. So you know me. I don’t make empty threats like. I just slit all four tires. No not spit on them stupid. Slit them, like I was cutting a steak like. While I was at it I sort of smashed the windscreen too. You know me. Wouldn’t hurt a fly like. But they had it coming right.
Boss: Mary, can you come into my office for a moment please?
Mary: Martin. Can’t you see I’m on the phone.
Boss: O.K., when you’ve got a minute.
Mary (returning to the phone) Some people have no respect right? Take my boss. Works me like a dead horse, like and when I finally take a minute to call my best friend, he’s all over me. He should definitely watch that Porsche of his. Dangerous area here. Never know what might happen.