Best humor blog for everyday life
Archive for December, 2009
The Global Warning at the Office: Central Air isn’t all it’s cut out to be
It was a particularly cold Wednesday morning. The forecast for heavy snow had proved incorrect, for a change, but it was bitter cold. I was late for work, the train got derailed, yet again. As I entered the office I noticed noticed Pat sitting at her desk wearing gloves and a cashmere scarf.“Central air has gone havoc again.” She explained.“Did you call for Sam?”“No, I’m in practice for the trip to Antarctica. Of course I called Sam. He promised he’d come up after he’d finished down at accounts. They’re experiencing a heat wave. “The Central Air-conditioning System is one of More >
My List Of New Year Resolutions that I Promise not to Keep
O.K. So stop reading through the never ending set of year end roundups summarizing the last decade for a minute. Enough is enough. We all remember September 11th, Michael Jackson , Monica Lewinsky and know what a Tsunami is (though few of us can spell it). Some still recall life before the Ipod, Google, YouTube and the tapes of Pamela Anderson and Paris Hilton. I’m sure most of you still remember owning a body that comes detached from a mobile phone and that Big Brother was a phrase from a book. Now the new decade is almost upon us More >
New air flight travel regulations require you leaving your clothes at the gate
Dear passenger, It has come to our attention that you intend on flying with our excellent airline in the near future. So as to make your trip as comfortable as possible, we request that you acquaint yourself with the newly enforced international security flight regulations. 1. Upon entering the airport you will be obliged to undergo a full body search. We assure you that this procedure is entirely necessary. In order to make the search less of an ordeal, we are happy to offer you our special upgrade program. a) Regular passengers will generally be frisked by ex-convicts on probation. More >
5 Work Colleagues I would gladly send off on the maiden voyage of Titanic II
At every workplace you find them, they make your life hell, bring you to tears and force you to double your average caffein intake. Here is my list of the top five candidates at work I’d recommend for the maiden voyage of Titanic II.
1. Indecisive Dennis.
“Dennis, I need to know how much a green and yellow monthly progress chart will cost.” “I’ll get back to you Steve, I’ll just run it past Peter.” “When will I get an answer?” “It depends on my priorities. Let me ask Marcia.” “Fancy a quick coffee.” “Emmmm.” “O.K. no More >How to make the worst presentation of all time: A beginners guide
Larry was standing in my cubicle when I arrived at work on that fatal Monday morning and I knew it meant trouble. He had that slick, devious smile across his face that meant head for the hills, danger zone ahead.“I’m leaving on Thursday for that conference in Hong Kong”“What conference in Hong Kong”“Doesn’t matter, the point is, you have to cover for me.”“No problem Larry, it’s not as if anything important is scheduled for the next seven days. The big turnover isn’t due for a month.”“Yes, that’s true. You will have to take care of the presentation though.”My face More >
Ten Best British Gourmet Dishes
British food is known worldwide for it’s class, variety and healthy ingredients. The dishes prepared by British chef’s and housewives are both nutritious and nourishing. For those of you who have yet had the opportunity to experience gourmet at its best, here is my list of the Top Ten British Dishes.
10. Beans on toast. One of the all time great dishes, even if the preparation is a bit tricky and calls for some experience. First the beans have to be Heinz. They must be heated just right – luke warm. For the toast I suggest Wonderbread. To get perfect results it More >
Unknown Group rewrites Sgt Pepper and Conquers British Charts: “Android Pfeffer’s Boneless Heart Club Band” – It may shock you.
The first single released from upcoming album Android Pfeffer’s Boneless Hearts Club Band, entitled Lucy Sold Her Sky for Diamonds, has been topping the British charts for over six weeks now and is keeping Simon Cowell up late at night in an attempt to find a way to launch a counter attack and protect his interests. Taite Gallery reporters have managed to cut through the media fog surrounding the new group and promised album and have actually met with group leader and singer Android Pfeffer, a seven foot, tinny, introverted rocker. Though Android revealed little regarding the background of the group and More >
The Internet Academy: An On-Line Syllabus for the Geeks of Tomorrow
Taumatawhakatangihangakoauauotamateaturipukakapikimaungahoronukupokaiakitnatahu is a real place. It is the name of an existing hill in New Zealand, or so the Internet claims.This comes from the same people who tell me that goldfish have a memory span of three seconds (how anyone measured that I don’t know), and giraffes can’t sing. The Internet is the basis for all our knowledge now. We have no choice but to believe in it. It is the new God. How else would I discover that some lions mate over fifty times a day or that Dr. Kellogg introduced Kellogg’s Corn Flakes in hopes that it would reduce More >
Double Millionaire
In this week’s Time Magazine I couldn’t help noticing a full page ad from Dubai. Yes the same Dubai which filled the headlines the previous week, a Midas dream threatening bankruptcy. The ad was from the Budai Duty Free and simply said:
Win $2,000,000 Live a new life Double MillionaireIn a matter of fact way the ad goes on to tell us
Simply purchase a Dhs 2000 ticket in the Dubai Duty Free Double Millionaire promotion.
As there are only 5000 tickets available, your chances are pretty good if you are willing to throw away Dhs 2000 as if it were no more than the More >
Dogs Beat Cats: Now Mini will never let it go
From the Telegraph: Researchers concluded that when it comes to a number of criteria including intelligence, bonding and obedience, dogs narrowly beat their feline adversaries. Out of 11 categories selected by the magazine New Scientist, dogs won six compared with five for cats.
I came home earlier than usual and once again managed to surprise Mini. Usually my white, five year old pekinese pet manages to smell me arriving, but she was so engrossed with what she was reading on the internet that she didn’t notice me come in. I don’t usually allow Mini to use the home computer. For one thing, she More >
Unusual Facts from Wikipedia :The Magic Roundabout
The Magic Roundabout in Swindon, England was constructed in 1972 and consists of five mini-roundabouts arranged in a circle. It is located near the County Ground, home of Swindon Town F.C. Its name comes from the popular children’s television series The Magic Roundabout. In 2009 it was voted the fourth scariest junction in Britain, in a poll by Britannia Rescue.
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The roundabout was constructed according to the design of Frank Blackmore, of the British Transport and Road Research Laboratory, under the control of Highways engineer Jeff Maycock of Swindon Council. Traffic flow around the smaller, inner roundabout is anticlockwise, and traffic More >Gweht Jose Cuervo Christmas Cookies
Jose Cuervo Christmas Cookies (with thanks to Frances)
1 cup of water
1 tsp baking soda 1 cup of sugar 1 tsp salt 1 cup or brown sugar 4 large eggs 1 cup nuts 2 cups of dried fruit 1 bottle Jose Cuervo Tequila
Sample the Cuervo to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the Cuervo again, to be sure it is of the highest quality,pour one level cup and drink. Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.
Add one peastoon of sugar. Beat again. At this point it’s best to make sure the Cuervo is More >
Yada Yada Pastures, The Seinfeld Spin-off: Seinfeld 40 years on
Seinfeld, the sitcom to end all sitcoms, ran from July 5, 1989 – May 14, 1998 screening 180 episodes starring Jerry, Kramer George and Elaine.who missed the pilot. For years there has been a huge public outcry for a reunion, a movie and a return of the series. A sort of reunion was recently orchestrated by Larry David, but the audience worldwide wants more. What has been hidden from the public and media alike is the fact that there are several spin-offs that never made it to prime timer. Here, for the first time anywhere, I am pleased to reveal some More >
No U.F.O.s Please We’re British. The M.O.D. unit for aliens has been dismantled. E.T. was not amused.
In an apparent set back for secret official efforts to announce the existence of extraterrestrial life, the British Ministry of Defense (MOD) has just closed its UFO desk. After 50 years of having an official reporting mechanism in place for public sightings of UFOs, a spokesman for the Ministry of Defense stated that the funds could be better used for the Afghanistan war. D. McLean was unavailable for comment or pie. Dear Mam,
A long long time agoI can still remember, when the British UFO Unit first began.Twas then I left you clues galore,You gathered multi sightings by the scoreFrom every More >
The Three Day Work Week: Why settle for Four?
The great depression of 2008-2009 helped renew the discussion over a possible move to a four day work week. A year ago Utah authorities announced an experiment cutting off a full workday for most state employees by closing on Fridays in an effort to reduce energy costs. The revolution here was that salaries and work hours weren’t cut. Employees continued working 40 hours a day by starting earlier and staying later. The perk was that on Friday they could lay in, didn’t need to commute and had a long three day weekend to look forward to. The results of the twelve month More >
The American’s guide to the British
No matter how many years it has been since you last set your feet in Great Britain, to most of the world and especially the Americans, you will always be English, for good and for bad. The reason for this is that immediately after birth, every British citizen is embedded with a specially produced micro-chip which controls his behavior. The chip, commonly known as the Fishochip, is believed to have been invented in the back room of a Middlesex pub called the the Elusive Camel. One of the most common affects of the chip is its influence on the More >
