Unknown Group rewrites Sgt Pepper and Conquers British Charts:...
The first single released from upcoming album Android Pfeffer's Boneless Hearts Club Band, entitled Lucy Sold Her Sky for Diamonds, has been topping the British charts for over six weeks now and is keeping Simon Cowell up late at night in an attempt to find a way to launch a counter attack and protect his interests. Taite Gallery reporters have managed to cut through the media fog surrounding the new group a...
The Invention of Football
Many myths exist regarding the roots of the world's most popular game. They are all lies. It is time for the truth. When we say football, for all you Americans, we are not, I repeat not, talking about the Yankee version of rugby invented by Miller Lite that involves ridiculously dressed college students and flaky girl cheerleaders with pompoms). Football, or soccer, is a serous game in which fans dress up and paint...
Aliens for Neighbours: How to spot Co-Workers from Another Planet
It all started with a nightmare brought on by an overdose of chocolate, beer and late night horror movies. The dream started off normally enough. Getting up, eating breakfast, commuting to work. Then I noticed something peculiar. Something about my co-workers didn't seem kosher. Was it the fact that the doorman's skin was a bright green, or that our secretary was finding it difficult to hide her middle leg. Only a ...
Adventures in a Japanese Loo
A foreigner's first experience with a Japanese toilet could easily be compared with a teenagers first experience with love. You meet this gorgeous girl during the school recess but you have no idea what to do about it. No-one has given you an instructions manual. The same can be said about Japanese washlets - right you really don't want to call it a toilet any more than you'd call a Jaguar E-Type Roaster a car - t...
Last Will and Testament
I Martin William Luthor Goodfellow, a resident of Bel Air, being of sound and disposing mind and memory, hereby bequeath the following: To my beautiful blonde secretary Marilyn, who found the time to sit by my sick bed while my family were off celebrating Independence Day, I bequeath $500,000 in cash. To My son Andrew, who, for reasons known only to himself, goes by the nickname The Blade, adorns over a ...
10 Ways to get rid of an Annoying Co-Worker
Has the person sitting next to you at work yet to discover the word deodorant? Does your co-worker sing Abba songs aloud eight hours a day? Does your co-worker pick his nose, thinking no one is watching, our excavate his ears? Does your co-worker were micro mini-skirts even though she weighs over 90 kg and is almost 62? Does the guy sitting opposite you tap on his desk with an HB pencil, mistaking...
The Taite Guide to Gift Shops
Museums were first invented in Paris, France by Jean Paul Yurr Hedoff in 1789. Jean was employed by Doctor Joseph-Ignace Guillotin as a cleaner upper or as they called it in those days a nettoyeur de têtes. It was Jean's job to clean up the mess after a Guillotine. The poor man found that after a few weeks he had quite a collection of disembodied heads and blood stained clothing and a growing crowd of visitors who wa...
10 new work laws we'd like to see
"All work and no play" well I think it's time to put a n end to all that. Here are ten ways to do it: After a holiday or office party someone automatically brings a double dose of espresso to your desk and no sly remarks about a possible hangover are allowed. - If your boss pisses you off twice in one week you are granted an immediate, paid one day vacation - Coffee served at work must not taste like ...
40 more things to do when you're bored
O.K. so I know when I've got a good thing going. You loved my earlier blog 100 things to when you're bored. Here are 40 more ideas 1. Paint your monitor black. 2. Paint your monitor screen black. 3. Try to get the paint of your screen before your boss sees it and fires you. 4. Write a musical about four legged animals who sing songs based on a long dead poet. - Oh that one's been done. Sorry, there are...
The Internet Academy: An On-Line Syllabus for the Geeks of Tomorrow
Taumatawhakatangihangakoauauotamateaturipukakapikimaungahoronukupokaiakitnatahu is a real place. It is the name of an existing hill in New Zealand, or so the Internet claims.This comes from the same people who tell me that goldfish have a memory span of three seconds (how anyone measured that I don't know), and giraffes can't sing. The Internet is the basis for all our knowledge now. We have no choice but to believe...
Office Tennis: Game Set and Swat! Sometimes you have to act dirty
Some games are hard to win. Take Office Tennis for Instance. Game I got to work one morning Around a quarter to ten. I sipped my coffee, read my Inbox, And it was that then I could feel a funny itching From beneath my clothes. Then I realized a fly had squatted On my nose. I tried to swat it with my backhand, Blot it with my forehand Chase it to the door and Make my name. But i...
When NOT to Answer your Mobile Phone
Mobile phones have taken over our lives. They are cute, they are musical and they fit easily into the front pocket of your pants or that miniature leather handbag that you carry everywhere. Even so, sometimes it is downright stupid, impolite or dangerous to answer your ring-tone. In an attempt to promote world safety and invest some simple manners into you, here are my guidelines for when not to take that c...
40 more things to do when you're bored
O.K. so I know when I've got a good thing going. You loved my earlier blog 100 things to when you're bored. Here are 40 more ideas 1. Paint your monitor black. 2. Paint your monitor screen black. 3. Try to get the paint of your screen before your boss sees it and fires you. 4. Write a musical about four legged animals who sing songs based on a long dead poet. - Oh that one's been done. Sorry, there are...
The Taite Guide to Apple
Now that Steve Jobs has displayed the Ipad to the world, it remains to be seen which new devices he will conquer the world with in the years to come. Here, from our personal inside mole at a top secret Apple research lab, is a guide to a few of the new products Apple is secretly working on. 1. The Ipotty. Press for number one or number two as applicable 2. The Imobile. Tomorrows breakthrough in mobile...
The Taite Guide to Prisons for the Rich and Famous
Some Inmates have all the luck! "Gentlemen, I am warden Walter W. Felon III and I would like to welcome you all to the Beverly Hills Confinement Facility for the Rich and Famous. We don't like to think of it as a prison, more a home away from home with bars. We hope that your stay with us will be a happy and fulfilling one and promise to make every effort to meet your demands. To help do this I h...

The Great Twitter Novel: A Stab in the Dark

Over the years literature has shrunk. From novels bordering on a thousand pages, so popular up till the middle of the twentieth century (Homer and Dicken’s works come to mind), to 70 illustrated pages with large print (Jonathan Livingstone Seagull).
Now the age of the Twitter is here – obviously meant for twits of all ages.
So here is my first Twitter novel. Every word a gem. Soon to be released in hardcover for the bargain price of $14.99.

A Stab In the Dark

Late home, no lights, she looks in kitchen for candle.
A noise!
Taking a knife she nears the sound.
BOO cries b.friend
Enough is enough she sobs and stabs him to death.

Feel free to add your reviews or forward them to the New York Times Literature Supplement.